To think sex is overrated and not all that important?

[NoNoLabido]

I'm in my late 20's and as it stands I'd probably be happy not to bother with it ever again, or atleast for the fordeeable future.

I have young children and some health problems all of which I'm sure contribute to the loss of libido to an extent but even without those factors I can't wrap my head around just why some people are so obsessed with it. My husband falls into that category. He would gladly have it three times a day if he could. Obviously that's a problem.

I digress, AIBU to think sex just isn't as important as people make it out to be?

There is more to life than orgasms and more than one way to be intimate.

You're not unreasonable for feeling the way you do but you're unreasonable for assuming that your husband should have to live the only life he ever lives in a relationship with no sex if it's important to him. That is a grim outlook if you're young, love sex, and want to feel alive and not dead at 20-30. I'm not saying you should force yourself to have sex with him or that it should be as important to you but as someone who has been in a 'dead bedroom' it is enough of a reason to leave and he is within his rights to. After all - physical intimacy is the thing that separates romantic love from plutonic. If he hasn't got that (and it's something he values) with you, what's the incentive to stay? Obligation? With love, I think you're being naive if you see a disabled child as the glue that will keep this relationship together. It's another huge stress and strain. Again, I'm not saying you should feel obliged to have sex with him, but I think you are incompatible and maybe some counselling would help?

Nope I wouldn't have stayed with him and had DC if I had known his infidelity is what broke up his last marriage. They appeared to get on and co-parent well. After she told me he had cheated (after I found out he did it to me) he actually told me that she was the one suspected of being unfaithful. Whether she was or not I don't know, I don't think she was she doesn't seem the type at all, but I know he is.

I do feel a bit scammed yes. I could have had a very different life. I'm now stuck and tied down.

Its funny you should mention escorts actually as I've just been reading a zombie thread from years ago where a poster goes into detail about how her DH sounds alot like mine and then she found out he was visiting prostitutes. I wouldn't put it past him but I think he would try and exhaust all other avenues first, like work colleagues.

I think this has nailed it, you can’t stay with someone when you have some opposite ideas of what a relationship is and it’s not fair on either parties to just be in a relationship because you are worried about support for the DC…both of you seem very unhappy and incompatible. Couple counselling would be my first step.

I've broached the idea of us going to couples counselling a few times. He uhms and ah's before saying it's not really something he would feel comfortable doing and then never mentions it again.

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to go to counselling. He’d need to address his cheating, heavy porn use, and sex pest behaviour towards his wife. He doesn’t wish to be held accountable and it’s convenient to frame the lack of sex as your ‘failure’ to give him what he ‘needs’.

But counselling for you, without him, could be very helpful and give you some space to work some things out for yourself.

I think the importance of sex waxes and wanes at different times in our lives and that's normal. Libido is also definitely hormonally mediated so hormonal changes can affect how important it is to us. But I'd agree that as a society we make too much of it, we see it as a 'right' which creates all kinds of problems. There are many more important things in life and lack of or incompatibilities within sex wouldn't be a reason for me to end a relationship.

Well I always thought sex was overrated and couldn't be bothered with it. Didn't really know why. Didn't particularly fancy men either - had to spend a long time developing an emotional connection before starting to fancy them. Had sex with a couple of blokes during my life, couple of long term relationships but there was always something "off" about it.
Turns out I'm gay.... mid 40s and had absolutely no idea.
But I've met a woman and everything has clicked into place.
Don't know how things will develop with her but I know that it feels right for me to be with a woman.

When I wrote my previous post I had missed the part about him cheating and pushing things against your will.

No wonder you don't want sex with him, you deserve better.

Sounds like its the husband who needs counselling to help him address his issues and behaviour at work.

He has also scammed the OP into having marriage and kids with him so that she feels trapped by lying about who he really is.

But its all about the OP having to pay for counselling to have more sex with an extremely undesirable man.

I think a healthy sex drive is an important indicator of overall health and well being too. Often it's a hormonal imbalance, or due to stress/trauma, or medication but unless you're asexual and always have been - you should have a desire for pleasure.

In you case, it's the result of anti depressants, and being a full time carer and also maybe - you're just not in love with your husband, never have been. You find him attractive but I do think some people need an emotional connection to enjoy sex, particularly women. For all you know, you may enjoy a no-strings fling more than sex with a man you don't love but have commitment with!

The biggest problem is your lack of financial independence and support network to help with caring for your child. So you marriage is just a transaction - you admit you need him for the support only. In all fairness, I don't know much else about him but I personally would greatly resent a partner who only stayed with me for financial/caring support and didn't enjoy sex with me. That isn't a relationship and if the cheating has upset you this much, it's much better that you leave him, or agree to an open marriage. But you can't hate him for cheating, dread sex and still insist on staying with him just for money/support - of course you won't be happy! And of course you don't enjoy sex and have a general malaise towards life. Being this dependent on someone also isn't good for your self esteem.

You're far too young to waste away like this. Can you really not find a way to support your child on your own (with child care provisions from him)? Plenty of women manage it, so could you. Because the current arrangement is just a breeding ground for resentment, contempt and infidelity and honestly poisonous for all of you. Nothing good blooms in such a toxic environment. If counselling isn't an option - a trial separation and co-parenting arranegement could be something you try. But spending 60+ years never enjoying sex is a really terrible way to live. Orgasms have other benefits - endorphins, blood flow, oxytocin etc - they are a beautiful, natural part of the human experience and you shouldn't be sacrificing your best years not having it.

There will be very little by way of childcare provisions from him. He works shifts which change every week.

It's all well and good people suggesting divorce but unless the woman has a strong support network (I don't) is financially independent (I'm not) and is in a good place where she is able to sacrifice the additional help being married provides (I'm not - I have rubbish health) then there is nothing to be gained. I would be making my life so much harder.

There is nothing to be gained by separating, except perhaps for him, but where does that leave me and DC? Up shits creek. That's ok though so long as he gets to have sex.

After she told me he had cheated (after I found out he did it to me) he actually told me that she was the one suspected of being unfaithful. Whether she was or not I don't know, I don't think she was she doesn't seem the type at all, but I know he is.

That's either projection (cheats always think everyone is cheating or trying to cheat too) or it's a son story/excuse line that I've heard cheating men say before "she was cheating, I suspected she was cheating" ... with certain men it's blatant lies, but it makes them feel better and they convince themselves; its a good line fir the next woman (and everyone else he wants to look good for).

You sounded so casual and stoical about his infidelity op ... even the thread title/subject omitted it entirely and focused on libido.

Now om.comimg to understand... you feel trapped, and so youve just put his infidelity (and relayed sex pest etc behaviour) to the side. But it's naturally coming out in your sex life.

He's a creepy, sex obsessed, ptobanly porn addled, entitled, disloyal cheater .... no wonder you don't feel like shagging him.

Reading back by posts certainly sparks some introspection. I appear to have lumped it all into one thing, a general dislike of sex, when really there's likely a handful of things that have culminated in that.

I suppose it is general in a way, as the only sex on the table is with him, and I don't want it so sex = no thanks.

I genuinely can't see me wanting it with anybody in the future either though, probably because sex has been weaponised too much in my life. I've had it taken from me without my consent many years ago pre DH, and now DH has shown me that if I don't have a ton of sex he implodes our lives and fucks off with whoever will have him.

I'm really happy for those of you here who have a healthy sex life though. Long may it continue.

Oh of course he doesn't want to go to counselling. You've reached the point of crying at the thought of having sex with him but he can't possibly do something that would make him feel 'uncomfortable'.

I read about a counselling course in the Guardian once and the leaders of the course said that typically the men thought that any problems would be fixed once the woman wanted to have sex, but had never noticed that the women had stopped wanting to have sex because of all the problems in the relationship.

No interest in sex here whatsoever and so grateful I’m single and don’t have to perform in any way.
Imagine a dystopian situation a la The Handmaid’s Tale where men could have sex whenever, wherever and with whomever, whether women consented or not. Nightmare.

OP, I am pretty big on marriage being a vow that is basically permanent, and contrary to what a lot of people think I believe sex has to be something that a couple decides on together and can involve making choices for the well-being of the other person sometimes.

But I think your husband has a serious sex problem, and unless he recognizes it and wants to change it, he won't get better.

You could just tell him to have sex elsewhere, but I have real doubts about how that would work long term. I think maybe you would be better off to start looking seriously at how you might arrange things to get along alone.

I'm mid 20s and I hate it. I've been in an on and off 'situationship' for 7 years and it's honestly been a miserable experience. I'm now on stupidly strong antidepressants and have lost the feeling of everything down there which makes it even more miserable. I don't feel any emotional connection anymore during, and a lot of the time I cry afterwards because I feel used.

Op, the not wanting sex thing could be worked on, if you wanted to. It doesn't have to be the end of your relationship.

Bit you're ignoring the main problem which is that your oh is an abusive cheat.

That has to be addressed. You can't keep ignoring it.

Yanbu. I have great sex with DH but I still sometimes feel like i can't be bothered with it... I just think some people make too big a deal out of it

🙈 I worry that I find women much more attractive than my DH

OP, you need to separate. Can you see a solicitor to see what you might be entitled to? Also, if you weren’t with him, would you be eligible for some sort of care/ respite support through your council? Surely you would? Wouldn’t you also be entitled to more benefits? Please ar least look into this, staying with him long term really isn’t an option. I really feel for you, you sound so ground down it’s heartbreaking.

This comes up all the time on here.

You don't like sex, others love it.

To some people orgasms and sexual intimacy is important.

Leave them to it.

Eh?

You need to stop watching The Handmaid's Tale.

You shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. But he shouldn't be in a sellers relationship if he wants sex. I understand that you need him around for the kids but it's not going to work. One of you will be miserable. Either you need to have counseling to try and help the issue, split up and sort out the best way to raise the kids, or I think an open marriage might work but I don't know how you feel about it.