To think sex is overrated and not all that important?

[NoNoLabido]

I'm in my late 20's and as it stands I'd probably be happy not to bother with it ever again, or atleast for the fordeeable future.

I have young children and some health problems all of which I'm sure contribute to the loss of libido to an extent but even without those factors I can't wrap my head around just why some people are so obsessed with it. My husband falls into that category. He would gladly have it three times a day if he could. Obviously that's a problem.

I digress, AIBU to think sex just isn't as important as people make it out to be?

There is more to life than orgasms and more than one way to be intimate.

I think this when I hear about people killing themselves or getting into mad situations for sex. Like it's good but it's not that good. It's nice when it's there but I don't think I'd be risking life and limb for it. I can't imagine being that obsessed with it that I'd risk losing my family, my health or my life. Take all sorts I guess. 🤷‍♀️

RE antidepressants I'm on 25mg at the minute with a view to increase as they don't seem to be doing much if anything

Look. You don't want or need it. So having to do it is unpleasant for you.

He does need it and want it. So having to have sex with you unwilling must be quite wearing, and ultimately yes there is a risk he will just say f this and find someone who does like sex.

Similarly, if you weren't worried about being alone with the kids, you sound like you would have just stopped having sex with him and let nature take its course.

You're not unreasonable because this is how you feel. Nor is he unreasonable to have a sex drive and want sex with his partner. It's a monogamous relationship so he is committed to you.

Do you love him?

Sorry if someone has already asked this, but are you on the contraceptive pill?

I was on it from 17 to 21 and it totally killed my libido. Stopped taking it at 22 and was suddenly desperate for sex all the time.

I believe there is research which shows that women's sex drive goes down the longer they are with one partner, regardless of what happens in the relationship. (In other word, it's not anyone's fault. It's just the way women are built.) Whenever women get a new partner, sex drive comes back, then starts to decline with each year she remains in that relationship.

(The same is not true of men.)

(The statistic I remember, hopefully accurately, is that half of women over 30 who have been with a partner for at least ten years are no longer interested in sex with that partner. If they get a new partner, sex drive returns, but after another ten years, half will have lost interest again.)

Oh and for comparative purposes/to add to the general survey: sex is like fresh air, sunshine, rain, earth, sky, fields ... to me. It is everything real and good and I find it immensely comforting and happy-making. I love it. It's like breathing for me.

And you've mentioned liking physical intimacy but disliking or not needing 'the act' ... maybe it would help if you focused on that actual act. Consider how intimate it is. How close. What an act of love. Absolute vulnerability, but also strength and power. I get the impression your DH is sensitive and wants this to work. Maybe you could try a different mental approach and you might see more magic in it. I'm not saying you should or must - just a suggestion in case it helps.

So no, I would not be happy with it not being in my life. I would go bonkers.

OP I'm sorry you're under all this pressure. To answer your question, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I've never been too enthusiastic and think it's a little sad when people place so much importance on sex. There are so many other things in the universe to spend time doing.

Oddly, or perhaps not, as others have mentioned, I do want sex around ovulation time. In fact, I'd characterise myself as having acted like a bit of a sex pest previously. I say previously, because I realised what was driving it, realised it was unfair for me to expect a partner to feel as sexed up as me at exactly the same time so now don't act like a sex pest around ovulation. I think it may be harder for people with consistently high sex drives to understand lack of desire though.

Well, this won’t last will it?

Something has to change/be fixed and let’s face it, it’s not going to be his sex drive. He’s already cheated.

Is there any possibility of changing your antidepressant? Most of them affect your sex drive.

Are you only with him because of your disabled child? He can still help if you’re not together.

He will get fed up of sex with someone who isn’t into it anyway, so you may as well just not have it. The consequence will the same.

I love sex but I prefer women. I can find men attractive like appreciate their eyes and humour which can be confusing because when it comes down to the nitty gritty I absolutely hate willys and want them nowhere near me.
Like I said though it's confusing because superficially I can find guys attractive. It's like I almost forget they've got a dick! I'm all about personality though so that could be why.. .sorry I'm probably not much help 😂

I do love him yes, but I'm sure he feels that I don't regardless of how much I insist that I do.

I totally understand the fact he wants it, I'm just struggling to understand how that is an all encompassing need iyswim.

Crap comparison perhaps but I really want a different house, a car that isn't on its last legs, the ability to go on a holiday. I don't actually need those things though and certainly wouldn't want somebody to get upset in my pursuit of them. I most definitely wouldn't do anything to cause any disruption to my DC' lives in the pursuit of them. The thought doesn't bare thinking about.

Meanwhile his apparent need for sex is so all encompassing that he's prepared, as we have seen, to completely implode our lives to achieve it.

We are intimate in many ways, we embrace, kiss, hold hands. I'm his biggest supporter and have stuck by him through thick and thin. I have nursed him when he had a period of significant illness. I have done so much for his older children and loved them.

I guess I don't understand how a shag can be more meaningful and important than the kind of companionship and 'being a team' that we are in all ways except that.

I suppose thats the difference when somebody prioritises sex more highly than the other.

I can't be bothered with it, and I don't find that strange.

I can't be bothered to go skiing or ride a horse or eat cakes, and all sorts of other things that others find pleasure in.

It's how we are.

I love sex. I've gone without it for a couple of months when single but I couldn't cope without daily orgasms. You're fine to feel the way you feel though.

I'm not on any contraception at all no, he has had a vasectomy

By a husband who doesn't care if you want sex or not as long as you allow him to fuck you? And who doesn't even then listen to your needs, he just uses you how he wants? Yes, I'd imagine it could be triggering your earlier trauma.

I'm so sorry he's treating you like this op and that you feel you have to let him

YABU. Sex is the difference between a friendship and a relationship

I disagree. Two asexual people could be in a relationship together. Love each other the way they don't love friends, want to live together and be around each other, cuddle and kiss, without feeling a need for sex, they could marry. That's not a friendship

Over-rated is subjective on an individual level. But I do think our society puts an unreasonable amount of emphasis on sex, mainly to drive consumerism.

Not all that important is harder. In some ways it's really important, but maybe it's not always important to be having it. It can also be important to become ok with not having it, and that's not quite the same as just forgetting about it.

I think that you need to separate and try to find a good way of parenting your children between you. Neither of you are "wrong" but this sort of mismatch, especially when you are young, is not going to be OK medium to longer term.

Your update at 23:25 is spot-on. Is an individual person with their personality and shared history worth so little compared to that one act? Guys must have realised as well that there is a honeymoon sex phase, are they putting in the bin their entire relationship/family in pursuit of the possibility that they will find someone whose libido remains high beyond that honeymoon period?

I appreciate what people are saying about intimacy and closeness and think that the higher libido partner does end up feeling rejected in many cases. I feel like some self-reflection on their part might help them understand that they aren't being rejected, sex is being rejected.

OP, if your libido crashed after having kids I'd suggest that it might be hormonal and nothing at all to do with trauma. We tend to look for psychological explanations for stuff like this when our physical bodies can affect us just as much, right up to feeling grossed out and quite negative towards your partner in a way that feels personal.

I felt that way a lot when my kids were small, and I really only figured out how much of it was hormonal when it turned around in the space of a about three days when I got my period back after I weaned my youngest. In fact my libido became much higher than it had been before kids, I suspect due to peri-menopause.

You sound very sad and bland, resigned to having a crap life and depressed. You need to see a doctor who could possibly help you get some focus on your life.

I'm completely over sex too. Can't be bothered.

I understand your dred when he pesters for it and doesn't even listen when you tell him you don't want something. I hate that "insisting" you orgasm whether you want to or not attitude from men.

I admire your strength. I don't know if I could go on as I would probably run away. Maybe not. I took care of my late DH. I did get some respite care though.

Sex with ex was terrible. He was so selfish in bed, as well as in the rest of the relationship.

I've met someone recently and the sex is amazing. I don't know quite what it is.

You’re entitled to feel like that, however your DH wants to have sex, so you have a disconnect. Are you sure that you just aren’t attracted to your DH? I wasn’t fussed about having sex with previous DH, however can’t get enough of current DH! We’ve been together for years as well so it isn’t a case of being in a new relationship. Would marriage counselling help?

Crap comparison perhaps but I really want a different house, a car that isn't on its last legs, the ability to go on a holiday. I don't actually need those things though and certainly wouldn't want somebody to get upset in my pursuit of them. I most definitely wouldn't do anything to cause any disruption to my DC' lives in the pursuit of them. The thought doesn't bare thinking about

For me sex is like an itch that needs to be scratched. If I want it then it will be on my mind until I have it. I find it very frustrating to not have it when it's on my mind (happens a fair bit due to mine and dh's conflicting work schedules) and then I can't stop thinking about it. If I have been wanting sex all day but I finish work late and get home to dh fast asleep the frustration can actually keep me awake.

I would like to think I would never risk my family's happiness for the sake of sex but I really can't be 100% sure tbh, as awful as that sounds. Being horny is a very strong and overpowering feeling for me and it can take over my brain and cloud my judgement.

Wanting sex is a different kind of "want" to any other for me. It genuinely is more like a need than a want. Though obviously logically I know it's not a need.

I'm just trying to explain to you here what it's like to have a high sex drive. But I have to say that I think you are under an awful lot of pressure in your life, and add to that your past trauma and the fact that you're dh has cheated in the past and it's really no wonder you've lost interest in sex. There is nothing wrong with you and you are not wrong for feeling how you feel. It's a tough situation when a couple has very different sex drives but it is a very common situation.

I'm struggling to understand your motivation with that post. Bland?

I have seen a doctor but thank you for the suggestion. I'm on antidepressants and a long waiting list for counselling.

There's not much the doctor could do about my doubly incontinent profoundly disabled child who will never live independently though, or the fact I am committed out of both love and duty to meet their needs 24-7.

They can't do anything about sex obsessive husbands either.

So yes my life is bland, thanks.