To think sex is overrated and not all that important?

[NoNoLabido]

I'm in my late 20's and as it stands I'd probably be happy not to bother with it ever again, or atleast for the fordeeable future.

I have young children and some health problems all of which I'm sure contribute to the loss of libido to an extent but even without those factors I can't wrap my head around just why some people are so obsessed with it. My husband falls into that category. He would gladly have it three times a day if he could. Obviously that's a problem.

I digress, AIBU to think sex just isn't as important as people make it out to be?

There is more to life than orgasms and more than one way to be intimate.

I'm sacrificing my own autonomy because apparently some people (him) can't live without it

I appreciate you are frustrated and yet this feels like it has a slight tone of disdain. As if he's an animal or something.

Yet once upon a time, admittedly before a complex situation with a child with needs, you also wanted it.

Do you think you're one of those people who are happy with sex as a "bonding" kind of glue in the initial stages when you're securing a partner, and yet once secured, you completely lose interest?

I agree with you, I’m 32, would happily never have sex again. I don’t dread it or hate it but it just doesn’t really do anything for me. It’s not a crime to have no/a low sex drive and there is a lot of societal pressure to be sexy and sexual - it would be good if we could acknowledge that not everyone feels the same.

you shouldn’t be having sex you don’t want, but on the flip side, if your H wants sex you can’t expect him to say in a sexless marriage. I wouldn’t remain in a relationship where someone wanted sex every day, for example, because I don’t want that and I would come to dread it, but if I told my partner I’m never having sex with him again I wouldn’t expect him to stay with me either.

Having a disabled child complicates things but you really shouldn’t need to put yourself through this - would an open marriage be a more practical solution?

That's awful OP. Have you considered/tried counselling? I have no idea if it would help in your situation but may be worth a shot? The fact that your partner is happy to have sex with you knowing that you don't want it is really disturbing.

There seems to be several things going on OP. You're exhausted from looking after your dc, your dh sounds like a bit of a dickhead, you're on anti-depressants and you sound totally ground down. I don't think anyone could blame you for not having sex with a dh who has cheated on you and who says things like "I'm coming after you tomorrow then" 🤢 He sounds like a total sex-pest.

Give yourself a break though, there was no excuse for him to cheat on you.
If you're insistent on staying with him I've no advice but I wonder at such a young age if you'd be happier alone and with the possibility of meeting someone else?

I don't think a relationship where one person wants sex all the time and the other never wants it is going to work out long term, or else there will be a lot of resentment both ways.

I could easily give up sex...but not orgasms

Do you You have a disabled child op, and you are full time carer? Does your dh help/share the load? Because if he doesn’t Tbh I can understand why sex is the last thing on your mind. You have no time to be you, to relax and feel like you have the time. Plus resentment. I may be off the mark, and sorry if I am

YANBU

I find it repulsive.
I'm disgusted by it.

It might not be important to you - and that’s fine.

But clearly it is a really big deal to many people, so YABU to make sweeping statements like ‘sex isn’t important’.

No it is definitely not a problem with you! Most people have times in their lives when their libido declines due to circumstances.

I don't know what the answer is OP. But it sounds like your DP isn't very supportive of you.

I’m not fussed about it. I’m single and there are things I miss about being with someone (but not many and not often). Sex isn’t one of them. I didn’t dislike it, .it was pleasant enough, but that’s all. Not mindblowing or every great. Just….nice, if you fancy it. I’ve never thought, hmm, really fancy a bit. But then, I’ve never, ever woken up and thought ‘lovely sleep, I don’t feel tired’ either. I think you need energy for libido, and I’m permanently in sleep and mental load debt. I’m sure you are, too. Once DD is launched on the world, maybe I’ll pursue about a relationship and I’m sure it will come up. I’ll probably be well past it by then, though - I’d really like some quality selfish time first!!

I don’t think I’ve even glanced at a man and thought they were attractive in the last seven years, until a couple of weeks ago when I drove past a PCSO coming out of a local shop and thought ‘bloody hell, wouldn’t my mind him arresting me! Bet they’re queuing up to park on the double yellows in <Town>’. And then laughed at myself in genuine surprise. I should probably get out more!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come across that way. I'm just feeling a bit resentful as I know he's expecting it and I just don't want to go through with it.

To answer your question I'm just not sure. That wasn't the case back in the day, it may be now though. I just don't know as i cant picture me wanting it at all. We've been together 6 years and I haven't been with anybody else in that time.

I genuinely think some peoples bits are more connected to their brain.
I've had great sex, have great sex, use sex toys ect.
But I don't think it's something to make a massive song and dance about and revolve my life around it or think about it all the time and do it at every opportunity like others too.

You can only prioritise somethings in your life. At the moment you have young children , one with special needs , 24/7 caring, all the other things in life (house/jobs/unfaithful husband) so yeah SOMETHING has to give and rightly so. Your 'something' is sex. Other things are more important at the moment for to our energy so there's no desire .

Does your husband help with the children?

Do you get any 'self care' time? and I mean proper self care without any responsibilities at all, just yourself?

If not I'd suggest to your husband that is possibly the root of the issue. A lot of men complain after children come along that their DP doesn't show any care towards them, doesn't make an effort etc and that's still because most care/organisation falls on the woman and their priorities and available time changes massively.

An open marriage - I haven't really thought about it as what he did before kind of traumatised me in a way but then that was coupled with so much deceit and not done out in the open iykwim. I could give it some thought looking at it through a different lense.

Thats a common side effect of antidepressants.

Other than that, if you want your relationship to work out, and your husband not to bugger off with someone else, then you need to meet in the middle somewhere.

Though tbh if he's fucked around before he will do again. So maybe just get your ducks in a row and be prepared to walk at some point.

Disabled DC yes, I do the majority of care as he works FT but he's very very hands on when he's at home and I would be royally buggered without his input as its so full on and exhausting.

I obviously don't know him so can't answer fully, but often in these situations, he will think you're not having sex with him because you don't love him. Once he's decided that this is the case, nothing you say will change his mind, he will emotionally shut down to you (you may have already noticed him being colder, speaking with a harsher tone, not hugging you/touching you non sexually, etc) and you won't get your relationship back. Sorry to be so harsh but I'd prepare to separate

OP I’m with you, I can’t be bothered either. Someone always seems to need something from me so by the time the kids are in bed and the jobs are done, all I want to do is read my book and go to sleep. I don’t think I’d be particularly bothered if I never had sex again.

I also think the infidelity is having more of an effect than you think. Have you both been to counselling?

You just sound really, really tired to me OP.

I’ve recently had a baby (18 wks old) and I have absolutely zero interest right now in sex. I was up for it every single day until about 37 weeks pregnant…
that’s tiredness for you+breastfeeding= lack of libido. My other kids are 5&8, so I know this phase doesn’t last thankfully.

Are your kids very young?

My DH would have it 3 times a day. I can’t be bothered with it . Feels like a chore . Feels like I have to do it . I try to show I want to and do twice a week to keep all sweet but I’d rather not . Have felt the same in every relationship. I’d much rather watch a film , go shopping , have a sleep !!!

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I know you say you need him there to help with the DC -
but eventually he will either have an affair
or leave
or have an affair and leave for the affair partner

very few young men ( assuming he’s under 35 -40 ) will stay in a sexless marriage for ever
eventually he will get tired of asking you and look elsewhere

Ohmy! i feel the same way! I dont care about sex which makes it super hard when I find someone! Do you enjoy umm solo pleasures? It could be a sex drive issue.

He's almost 40. I think that's what scares me the most about an affair or open marriage, the potential for him to up and leave for the OW.

When he had an affair before he left for a week to be with her as she forced his hand and I just crumbled under the weight of juggling DC needs with my own health problems. I didnt eat, cojksnt sleep. I was prepared to forgive him so long as he didn't leave us and leave it all to me again.

Now here we are a few years down the line and I'm on tender hooks incase he goes again and forcing myself to have sex I don't want to try and prevent it happening 😔

Once in a blue moon, but I don't have an overwhelming urge iykwim? More a case of "I have the place to myself for half an hour, why not"

I don't get that inclination about sex though.