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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sex is overrated and not all that important?

214 replies

NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 20:59

I'm in my late 20's and as it stands I'd probably be happy not to bother with it ever again, or atleast for the fordeeable future.

I have young children and some health problems all of which I'm sure contribute to the loss of libido to an extent but even without those factors I can't wrap my head around just why some people are so obsessed with it. My husband falls into that category. He would gladly have it three times a day if he could. Obviously that's a problem.

I digress, AIBU to think sex just isn't as important as people make it out to be?

There is more to life than orgasms and more than one way to be intimate.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 04/07/2022 21:26

That's appalling that you dread it. I think that it's completely normal not to have much or any sex drive, but tbh it does sound like you have been forced into a position where you feel forced into intimacy you wouldn't otherwise have. That's horrible.

I have no answers. Sex is distressingly important to me now, even with antidepressants - I feel terrified at the prospect of doing without it. I haven't always felt that way, in my marriage with a disabled husband, being the breadwinner and with a young child I struggled to raise much enthusiasm and would happily have sworn off for life.

MinglingFlamingo · 04/07/2022 21:27

I agree op! I would not be that fussed if I didn't have sex again! I like foreplay and kissing and intimacy but actual nitty gritty sex nah

allgoodabc · 04/07/2022 21:29

@NoNoLabido makes sense given everything else that’s going on in your life. Can I ask what kind of age you are? I know many people maintain their sex drive for most of their lives but it seems normal that for many people there would be a natural drop off as fertility decreases.

Sparkles8912 · 04/07/2022 21:31

Could have written this myself. In fact almost did post something similar!

By the end of a long day I just cba. I feel like I would be this way no matter who my partner was.

He also wants it more than me. We’ve spoken a lot about it which helps but nothing really changes. I’m hoping it time when DC grow io things might change.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:31

NDandMe · 04/07/2022 21:25

I gave myself space to think about the possibility, for a start. I got together with my ex when I was very young, came from a religious background, life got busy with children, and I just didn't think about why I was so disinterested. As I got older I became more self confident and also made friends with some women who had been through similar life experiences. We talked a lot about it.

Show quote history

That is interesting to me as there has been a couple of occasions where I felt I might have a slight crush or attraction to two particular women. Not women in general though, just those particular women. It didn't go anywhere (I didn't tell them) and I sort of brushed it off as daft because it was so contrary to the fact I had always liked men. I really did always like men too, I had a string of flings in my late teens early 20's but it has just totally gone. I'm not at all interested.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 04/07/2022 21:31

As you say, OP, you need him around to help care for DC. I totally get you not wanting sex with him, fwiw and I think it's incredibly grim that he pesters you for sex when you are absolutely dreading it. I don't have any solutions, sorry. Maybe an open marriage - he is allowed to see other people for sex? I don't know if those sorts of arrangements ever work, tbh.

Anxiernie · 04/07/2022 21:32

Yep.

Generally, I feel I need to be sexual to bag a partner, but once I've got them, I'm perfectly happy to not have sex. It doesn't do much for me tbh, never has, and I've had sex with over 25 people. I actually prefer cuddles and just being physically intimate without sex the majority of the time. I rarely feel horny, unless I've been drinking. I just think it's very overrated and don't get the big deal. Felt the same when I lost my virginity - "is that it? What's the fuss about?"

garlicandsapphires · 04/07/2022 21:32

I hate sex. Actually no that’s exaggerating it but I’d happily never have it again.

Sparkles8912 · 04/07/2022 21:32

@PermanentTemporary Do you mind me asking what changed? I’m in a v similar position, disabled partner, breadwinner, young toddler. Could easily do without sex ever again but hoping it’s a temporary feeling.

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/07/2022 21:34

hmmm No 😁

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2022 21:35

You say you felt this way before so the reasons you had then are the reasons your DH and a lot of other people feel like it still.

Sex is a massive deal in my marriage but if DH ever cheated on me I wouldn’t be able to look at him never mind shag him again. I know you say you were going off it already by then but I think that’s a reason why even if you weren’t caring 24/7, didn’t have health issues etc it would be hard if not impossible to get into a more positive frame of mind about it.

You probably don’t trust him so he could be the best lover in the world and something would be missing.

If you’d rather never do it again but don’t feel you split up because of your child could you tell him you’d like to take it off the table and won’t mind turning a blind eye to him going elsewhere? That might hurt but it might not if part of you has already detached from him due to his previous cheating.

SavoirFlair · 04/07/2022 21:35

Would you be happier @NoNoLabido being single? Is that what you're hoping to engineer?

Anxiernie · 04/07/2022 21:35

But I wouldn't entertain an open marriage because I'd be insanely jealous.

I want him to only have sex with me and I want him to be sexually attracted to me and desire me. I want him to have sex with me because I know it matters to him, and I do want to be sexy in his eyes. So I just have sex even if I'm not that into it. It's like I want him to have sex with me because I want to be wanted and I want him to be satisfied, but I could take it or leave it personally as far as the actual act goes.

Topgub · 04/07/2022 21:35

Sounds like you've got bigger issues

You're not being unreasonable to feel like you do but you can't apply your feelings to others and other relationships.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:36

PermanentTemporary · 04/07/2022 21:26

That's appalling that you dread it. I think that it's completely normal not to have much or any sex drive, but tbh it does sound like you have been forced into a position where you feel forced into intimacy you wouldn't otherwise have. That's horrible.

I have no answers. Sex is distressingly important to me now, even with antidepressants - I feel terrified at the prospect of doing without it. I haven't always felt that way, in my marriage with a disabled husband, being the breadwinner and with a young child I struggled to raise much enthusiasm and would happily have sworn off for life.

Dread is exactly how I feel yes.

He asked me yesterday and I managed to get out of it as DC wasn't sleeping. I told him "tomorrow" just to kick the can down the road a bit to which he said, and I quote "OK OK don't complain when I come and get you tomorrow then" with a wink.

He tried tempting me again before I went to sleep.

I don't feel I can avoid it any longer he's expecting it tonight for definite. I can feel myself getting anxious and irritable.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:36

allgoodabc · 04/07/2022 21:29

@NoNoLabido makes sense given everything else that’s going on in your life. Can I ask what kind of age you are? I know many people maintain their sex drive for most of their lives but it seems normal that for many people there would be a natural drop off as fertility decreases.

I'm 28.5

OP posts:
Topgub · 04/07/2022 21:38

Please stop having sex you don't want.

Does your oh know you dread having sex with him?

Who wants sex with someone they know doesn't want to the point of dread?

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 04/07/2022 21:39

YANBU to feel how you feel, but a LOT of people will disagree. Well, people, your age anyway. Ask people (women especially) who are 50+ and many will agree with you. But I can't think of a single person under 40 who ever said sex was boring/underrated/unimportant etc...

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 04/07/2022 21:40

@NoNoLabido If you are not into it and HE is, you have big problems, and are not suited. Him 'threatening' you with sex whether you like it or not is fucking grim.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:40

SavoirFlair · 04/07/2022 21:35

Would you be happier @NoNoLabido being single? Is that what you're hoping to engineer?

I wouldn't be happier single no, because then I would be left with 100% of the caring responsibilities of our joint child.

It's easy for people to say 50/50 care but that would never be possible due to his work. I need him here.

I'm not trying to engineer anything though I've basically resigned myself to having sex I don't want when it gets to the point I can't avoid it any longer. I'm sacrificing my own autonomy because apparently some people (him) can't live without it. Its the price I pay so that me and DC aren't left.

OP posts:
Psychgrad · 04/07/2022 21:41

Wow no I disagree with you. I’ve always been very sexual, I can’t seem to get enough of it.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:44

Topgub · 04/07/2022 21:38

Please stop having sex you don't want.

Does your oh know you dread having sex with him?

Who wants sex with someone they know doesn't want to the point of dread?

He knows how I feel about sex yes ive told him, but I think the fact I relent and sleep with him gives him mixed messages.

I have said in the past that I feel obliged and that I know if I don't do it he will leave us to which he insists that he wouldn't but he absolutely would.

OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 04/07/2022 21:46

Your relationship isn't sustainable. He'll leave eventually.

Original poster
NoNoLabido · 04/07/2022 21:47

Pyewhacket · 04/07/2022 21:46

Your relationship isn't sustainable. He'll leave eventually.

I don't doubt it.

OP posts:
Topgub · 04/07/2022 21:48

You need to stop having sex with him.

At best it's awful sex at worst it's rape.