Page 9 | To think sex is overrated and not all that important?

NoNoLabido · 2022-07-04T19:59:47+00:00

I'm in my late 20's and as it stands I'd probably be happy not to bother with it ever again, or atleast for the fordeeable future. I have young children and some health problems all of which I'm sure contribute to the loss of libido to an extent *but* even without those factors I can't wrap my head around just why some people are so obsessed with it. My husband falls into that category. He would gladly have it three times a day if he could. Obviously that's a problem. I digress, AIBU to think sex just isn't as important as people make it out to be? There is more to life than orgasms and more than one way to be intimate.

LooseGoose22 · 05/07/2022 20:53

I think you mentioned you are depressed, op (?)

If so, that's naturally going to damage your libido.

Likewise if you take antidepressants, they'll often wreck libido too.

I'm not surprised you're depressed at discovering you're with a serial cheat (who also sounds sex obsessed and sex pest-y) and feeling trapped due to financial and child care issues.

An affair is a massive betrayal; instead of being able to process it, youve feit you have to stay, and just tried to carry on. You've a high caring load/pressure too with a child/children with special needs too.

You also now know it's serial behaviour from him.

Then there's the weird, sex/walking obsessed behaviour, even permeating his working hours.

It must be hard to like or respect him now, little wonder you don't have desire for sex with him.

It would be v sad if a previous rapist and this sex obsessed cheater to put you off sex for life.
There are peolle not like them.out there.

LooseGoose22 · 05/07/2022 20:54

*wanking obsessed

girlfriend44 · 05/07/2022 21:24

MrsClarkandPercy · 04/07/2022 23:06

Oh and for comparative purposes/to add to the general survey: sex is like fresh air, sunshine, rain, earth, sky, fields ... to me. It is everything real and good and I find it immensely comforting and happy-making. I love it. It's like breathing for me.

And you've mentioned liking physical intimacy but disliking or not needing 'the act' ... maybe it would help if you focused on that actual act. Consider how intimate it is. How close. What an act of love. Absolute vulnerability, but also strength and power. I get the impression your DH is sensitive and wants this to work. Maybe you could try a different mental approach and you might see more magic in it. I'm not saying you should or must - just a suggestion in case it helps.

So no, I would not be happy with it not being in my life. I would go bonkers.

No you wouldn't. Nobody ever went bonkers or died cos they couldn't have sex.

jacks11 · 05/07/2022 21:37

OP

your subsequent posts highlight the issue is that you are not staying in this marriage because you feel you have no other choice. Despite your protestations to the contrary, I don’t think you like or love your husband- your contempt for him is clear and drips from your posts. And he has earned some of that with his behaviour and infidelity.I wonder, though, if perhaps your behaviour also may have contributed to where you are now? You belittle the fact he needs/wants sex and trivialise the importance of sex because it’s not important to you. You want him to stay because he is useful to you, and for no other reason. You are using him to meet your needs, which is not totally dissimilar to what you feel he is doing to you with regards to sex. That’s not a good relationship for either of you. It’s toxic and unfair to you both.

Do you really want to spend the next few decades with someone you dislike, resent, possibly even despise? Someone you feel is coercive/abusive? And if you do genuinely believe that your husband is abusive or coercive, then surely you should leave? As others have said, nothing good is going to come out of a situation where there is such deep unhappiness and mutual resentment. And if he is abusive, then this is even less likely to work out well for you. There is also little point in couples counselling if he is abusive, it’s not recommended.

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 05/07/2022 22:04

Is your name Allison by any chance?

allgoodabc · 09/07/2022 23:31

jacks11 · 05/07/2022 21:37

OP

your subsequent posts highlight the issue is that you are not staying in this marriage because you feel you have no other choice. Despite your protestations to the contrary, I don’t think you like or love your husband- your contempt for him is clear and drips from your posts. And he has earned some of that with his behaviour and infidelity.I wonder, though, if perhaps your behaviour also may have contributed to where you are now? You belittle the fact he needs/wants sex and trivialise the importance of sex because it’s not important to you. You want him to stay because he is useful to you, and for no other reason. You are using him to meet your needs, which is not totally dissimilar to what you feel he is doing to you with regards to sex. That’s not a good relationship for either of you. It’s toxic and unfair to you both.

Do you really want to spend the next few decades with someone you dislike, resent, possibly even despise? Someone you feel is coercive/abusive? And if you do genuinely believe that your husband is abusive or coercive, then surely you should leave? As others have said, nothing good is going to come out of a situation where there is such deep unhappiness and mutual resentment. And if he is abusive, then this is even less likely to work out well for you. There is also little point in couples counselling if he is abusive, it’s not recommended.

to be fair @jacks11 you make some points but you are talking about @NoNoLabido putting her and her children’s well-being at risk because her husband isn’t mature enough to stop his issues from being her problem. Her and their children’s needs are more important than his need for an orgasm, which is really is trivial by comparison. It’s not her fault at all, he is the serial cheater, he is the one that makes their relationship feel fundamentally unsafe, and you need safety for true intimacy.

OP mentioned she doesn’t have financial means or a support network to lean on to leave him, she could potentially wind up being poorer and even less supported if she went ahead with it, so it’s not a decision to take lightly just because she can’t “give” him his best sexy life. He wasn’t upfront about his infidelity in his previous marriage so it’s all on him really, OP didn’t have all the information, if she had it before- she would not have married him.

@NoNoLabido it’s not you, it is him, it’s not your fault and it’s not unusual to not want much sex, especially in your situation. Also, there are plenty of happy people who are asexual or Demi sexual. It’s a tough situation, especially because of DCs, but stay calm, you will find the best path forward soon. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job of keeping it all together under a long period of very trying circumstances. You will figure this out 💐

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/07/2022 23:41

SquirrelSoShiny · 04/07/2022 21:03

You're entitled to feel that way but you must understand that this is going to put huge pressure on your marriage if you both have such a huge incompatibility of needs. Did you always feel that way? It's common with young children to feel like you're already having too many demands for touch and attention so time and medical advice might improve things.

Medical advice?....like neutering for him. Its libidinous men who are the problem not her. She doesn't need pills, counselling, "treatment". She just doesn't feel like sex. Women aren't the problem, it's men watching too much porn and having ridiculous expectations that women are told they must meet or else.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/07/2022 23:41

Bromide would solve the problem all round ff's.

AchatAVendre · 11/07/2022 00:02

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/07/2022 23:41

Medical advice?....like neutering for him. Its libidinous men who are the problem not her. She doesn't need pills, counselling, "treatment". She just doesn't feel like sex. Women aren't the problem, it's men watching too much porn and having ridiculous expectations that women are told they must meet or else.

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I know; all this advice to have counselling and therapy, as if the OP is going to feel like wanting more sex with this really quite off putting man after spending money on counselling to listen to someone droning on about putting candles at the side of the bath to get her more in the mood...

I think its amazing that there are actually so many women out there prepared to marry and put up with these men.

skinnylov · 11/07/2022 00:09

I'm 30 and could go without it too. I feel like I'm all shagged out. However I'm single so it's not affecting anyone else.

PermanentTemporary · 11/07/2022 17:22

I was suggesting therapy so that she can actually say she doesn't want sex and get some support with coping with the pressure from her partner. Therapy isn't supposed to be about making you do what you don't want to do.

rushrushflat · 11/07/2022 17:53

girlfriend44 · 05/07/2022 21:24

No you wouldn't. Nobody ever went bonkers or died cos they couldn't have sex.

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Actually yes they did and they do quite frequently.

www.medicaldaily.com/tufts-paper-assesses-effect-episodic-sexualphysical-activity-cardiac-events-236685

🤗

AdamRyan · 11/07/2022 18:10

That analysis shows people are more at risk of death when they have sex?

This research concluded that episodic physical activity and sexual activity are associated with an increase in the risk of heart attacks for a short window of time during and shortly after the activity

Anxiernie · 11/07/2022 18:22

Actually yes they did and they do quite frequently.

That's about physical activity in general. So if you don't do any physical activity, but then partake in an episode of strenuous activity, you are more likely to have a heart attack etc. This isn't just about sex, it's just that sex is a physical activity that gets the heart pumping. It's not actually the lack of sex that's the issue, it's the lack of any regular physical activity. You could stop this happening by just exercising more regularly.

You won't die from lack of sex. You could die from not being physically active and then engaging in a burst of strenuous physical activity. This could be just going to hard at the gym, or running too much.

It doesn't actually support the idea that no sex = death.