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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

311 replies

Superdoopas · 03/07/2022 17:24

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

OP posts:
ElizaJones · 03/07/2022 17:26

Im sorry but I think you’re being ridiculous. You’re annoyed because your dd want to chat with you?

Original poster
Superdoopas · 03/07/2022 17:27

Ie things we can say to ourselves to help us adapt. We really want to support her and stop the feeling that we want our house back . Its not a big house and there isnt much privacy , we can hear each other all the time etc .

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/07/2022 17:27

I think you need to get over yourself a bit tbh. YABU.

Original poster
Superdoopas · 03/07/2022 17:28

Well ok .. how ?

OP posts:
ElizaJones · 03/07/2022 17:29

You want your house back? Isn’t it her home too?

girlmom21 · 03/07/2022 17:30

I think you should get out of your comfort zone a little bit.
Mix the day up.
You can't need to clean the kitchen or batch cook every day.

Attictroll · 03/07/2022 17:30

I thought you were going to write about late nights, loud music- not chatting to you whilst you cook. It's nice she wants to do that...don't you want a relationship with her

GoldPig · 03/07/2022 17:30

Imagine each attempt to chat might be the last?

eldora · 03/07/2022 17:30

Oh dear, sorry you’re getting shitty responses already, OP.

Of course it’s going to be tough adjusting to someone else being in your home after 4 years.

It’s good dd is lovely, but you need to set some boundaries.

After she cooks a fry up, does she clean the kitchen?

When you’re cooking and she starts chatting, do you tell her that you’re busy but will chat to her once you’re done cooking?

Does dd do her chores, wash clothes, dishes etc?

Tillsforthrills · 03/07/2022 17:31

This time could be precious for you before your daughter moves out, starts here career and gets married to start her own family.

Id be heartbroken if my mum ever felt like this and felt that batch cooking in solitude was better than spending time with me.

SafelySoftly · 03/07/2022 17:33

I’d be heartbroken if my mum was

Original poster
Superdoopas · 03/07/2022 17:33

Look am admitting I have got set in my ways. I am actually saying i am wrong and looking for pointers.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 03/07/2022 17:33

God, you sound like you've willingly settled into (very) old age and are narked at being jerked back out of it.
Would you really prefer a quiet empty house just so the kitchen stays clean?!

SafelySoftly · 03/07/2022 17:33

I’d be heartbroken if my mum was posting messages like this on a public forum. I’d never let my daughter feel like a stranger in her home.

Stichintime · 03/07/2022 17:34

Shes your daughter, surely you can adapt to having her home? You adapted when she was born, and you had to adapt as she grew.
Maybe she would like parents who weren't so stuck in their ways and is being a bit more dynamic?

kerkyra · 03/07/2022 17:34

I get you. We have our own way of doing things and it's difficult to adjust,mixed in with menapause and feelings of claustrophobia and annoyance, we just have to smile and try and be nice and sweet.
I think some people with much younger children can not imagine but it doesn't mean we don't love them.

riesenrad · 03/07/2022 17:34

I am not sure why you need to clean your kitchen every day, especially if you batch cook.

But presumably she cleans the kitchen after a fry-up - and anyway, how messy can it be? One frying pan? A dish she uses to grill things? It doesn't sound like much to me.

Prezperez · 03/07/2022 17:34

Sorry you're getting a hard time OP

I understand (well, I have insight). DH came home after 4 years living apart while he was in the military (first time we lived together) - I love the bones of the man but bloody hell it was hard to begin with.

You have your own routine and it doesn't matter how much it shouldn't matter that someone else affects them - it's tough!

If it's any consolation, it will get easier. There's nothing you can do, it just takes time. Perhaps see if you can find any common ground to find new routines you can do together without your teeth itching 🤣

In the meantime - it's completely ok to feel how you do, regardless of what other posters are saying.

Crankley · 03/07/2022 17:35

I entireloy understand OP. You will all need to readjust. Maybe you need to set some house rules to make it easier for everyone.

Paq · 03/07/2022 17:36

How old are you? If your daughter is just uni finishing age you sound a bit young to be settling into such a limited routine. What about travel? Adventure? Learning new things? Having new experiences?

rainbowunicorn · 03/07/2022 17:37

What age are you OP? You sound like you have settled into old age but I get the impression that you are not even at proper retirement age yet.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2022 17:37

Superdoopas · 03/07/2022 17:33

Look am admitting I have got set in my ways. I am actually saying i am wrong and looking for pointers.

Would she cook with you?
When she comes in can you suggest going out for a coffee or a walk together after her breakfast?
Just get used to being in each other's company again but make it fun. She's at an age where you can behave at friends rather than mom and daughter. It might be just what you didn't know you needed.

HensInTheSkirtingBoard · 03/07/2022 17:37

Id be heartbroken if my mum ever felt like this and felt that batch cooking in solitude was better than spending time with me.

This. My ds has been away for 10 days and I'm so looking forward to see him again this evening. I can't imagine ever feeling any other way.

You and Dh sound as if you've become incredibly set in your ways, and that you're resentful of your dd's presence in her own home.

Never mind, she will probably soon get the message and move out, leaving you both to your 'solitude'.

HensInTheSkirtingBoard · 03/07/2022 17:39

Crankley · 03/07/2022 17:35

I entireloy understand OP. You will all need to readjust. Maybe you need to set some house rules to make it easier for everyone.

What, like 'don't talk to me when I'm batch cooking'?

beautyisthefaceisee · 03/07/2022 17:39

Yep, been there with a DM that resented my presence.

Roll on 10 years and she can't understand why both of her adult children have moved away and visit intermitently.

Don't make the same mistake.

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