Page 13 | Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

Superdoopas · 2022-07-03T16:24:15+00:00

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays. We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven. Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt. For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative. Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat. She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day. Little routines that I love. She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled. She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt. Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

silverboggle · 06/07/2022 09:07

Sounds to me as though your daughter is probably lonely after leaving uni, missing constant company, and relying on you to fill the void- and that you’re not up to the job constantly. Why not help her to find more social outlets? Visiting uni friends for a day or two at a time. Catching up with old school friends. Joining gym/dance classes. Learning a new skill or hobby. Volunteering. Full or part time work. Once she has more places to go you and your dh will get your quiet space back for defined periods- and can catch up on all those things you’re missing out on currently 😉

Original poster

Superdoopas · 06/07/2022 09:28

Have just read the whole thread.
Some brilliant advice here as well of understanding that to quite a few people this would possibly be an adjustment, but more so for me as adhd means that routine is very very important so that i function and remember things.

I think i had hit a panic combined with an awareness that this is a challenge.
The house is now really really messy as I have gone out of routine as i just cant focus when people talk to me.ive spoke to dd and told her about my executive function problems .. she is really understanding but finds it hard to live with and i know she wd prefer a laid back mum not one who struggles and I feel ashamed of that. This is what makes it hard for me to ask for my needs met, because i am not neuro typical and i know in my heart that people around me wish I was , as do I.
So , knowing this ,i just have to work harder on myself.
I want dd to feel at home and loved.
I need to tame this mind !
I am.compiling a little note book and am going to write down the wonderful advice some of you have given me( you know who you are. Thankyou !) I will read it daily and try to do some acceptance and cbt type stuff.
Thank you so much .

OP posts:

Original poster

Superdoopas · 06/07/2022 09:29

.. it will help me to help dd .

OP posts:

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/07/2022 10:25

@Superdoopas

but likewise your DD should also be helping you 😊

impossible · 06/07/2022 10:28

Good luck with this OP. Don't be hard on yourself. I'm sure all us have DCs who find us annoying and vice versa.

The notebook sounds a very good idea. Your ADHD must make things very much harder so having written prompts will be useful.

You've clearly been a great DM to have a lovely daughter who wants to spend time with you. Good luck with the next chapter!

Original poster

Superdoopas · 06/07/2022 10:32

Thank you. !

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 06/07/2022 10:54

maryleboneym · 04/07/2022 09:22

I have one DD and she's still really young but im dreading the day she leaves us

Cherish these days before she moves out forever

As you say, she's still really young.

When she's a teenager or grown adult you may well feel differently.

And whether you do or not, neither is wrong

Nanny0gg · 06/07/2022 10:57

AnnieMill · 04/07/2022 10:08

I’m really not sure how else to interpret OP’s attitude at the inconvenience of having her home for a while. I know not all parents love their children and want to support them until they’re properly on their feet, but it baffles me why people who want to be left alone have kids at all.

Still, I can assure OP and any parent like them that their children will soon get the message and stop bothering them! I know I did, and it’s not something you soon forget.

You may get by on duty, but love is a relationship that must be maintained. A well loved child will check in on you in your old age regularly and do all they can to maintain your quality of life, because you’ve taught them to express love as care. A child who felt like an unwelcome burden will one day treat you the same. Expect an email link to the local care home and not much else.

You can love your adult children and still not want to live with them!

Some of us actually like our own company

Nanny0gg · 06/07/2022 10:59

Superdoopas · 06/07/2022 09:28

Have just read the whole thread.
Some brilliant advice here as well of understanding that to quite a few people this would possibly be an adjustment, but more so for me as adhd means that routine is very very important so that i function and remember things.

I think i had hit a panic combined with an awareness that this is a challenge.
The house is now really really messy as I have gone out of routine as i just cant focus when people talk to me.ive spoke to dd and told her about my executive function problems .. she is really understanding but finds it hard to live with and i know she wd prefer a laid back mum not one who struggles and I feel ashamed of that. This is what makes it hard for me to ask for my needs met, because i am not neuro typical and i know in my heart that people around me wish I was , as do I.
So , knowing this ,i just have to work harder on myself.
I want dd to feel at home and loved.
I need to tame this mind !
I am.compiling a little note book and am going to write down the wonderful advice some of you have given me( you know who you are. Thankyou !) I will read it daily and try to do some acceptance and cbt type stuff.
Thank you so much .

Many children would prefer that their parents were different to the way they are.
Many parents feel the same about their children!

Please don't feel you're in the wrong, whether you're NT or not.
You have nothing to be ashamed of!

Nanny0gg · 06/07/2022 11:00

Oh, and if your house is messier now, how about those that create the mess clear it up? I'm sure it's not all down to you.

Original poster

Superdoopas · 06/07/2022 14:01

I have also messaged to say that she is very welcome and very loved . And that my need for alone time does not affect that.

OP posts: