Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

My ds is currently home for the summer holidays. He is 22 and has been on and off at uni since 19, meaning he's only just completed the first year. Dh (who is disabled) and I are retired due to his ill health and I'm his full time carer and we, too, are in a bit of a routine with just the two of us. However, Ds gets up late afternoon, cooks using every pan in the kitchen and never washes up. He vapes inside the house, even though I've begged him not to. He then goes out late at night and buys and smokes weed. I wake up in the early hours and the house stinks of weed. He comes and goes all through the night, banging the front door shut. He orders takeaways and eats all meals in his room, never bringing plates or rubbish down. He can easily eat his way through a six pack of crisis in one sitting. He just throws all his clothes on the floor and we have to pick them up. He is in a terrible financial mess, owes us money and doesn't pay anything towards his keep. He leaves lights on all day and all night and when he showers he is in there for ages. He has terrible mood swings and at 6ft 4 we are scared of him. I can't wait for him to go back to uni. We adopted him aged 4, he'd had a terrible life previously and has always been very headstrong, whilst we are quiet people. I've thought about changing the locks but he'd have no where else to go. I understand that a young person coming back home changes the dynamics a bit, but I'd give anything to have the kind of son/daughter who just wanted to chat.

I sit and read a lot but if my DD/DS were home, I would do something with them instead of sitting there with my "little routines" and ways. I just had a lovely day out with my DS 18, lunch followed by a walk and sit in a park with icecream. Honestly, why would you give that up for batch cooking and cleaning your kitchen twice a day? I figure I have plenty of time for that when I am 70.

how did you cope before she left?!

I’m 60 and I love my son coming back from uni. Ok it’s only two months during summer (plus other breaks) but there’s clothes everywhere, piles of washing, used plates in the kitchen, electric guitar playing, friends over etc and I love it! The day cleaning the kitchen, cooking or reading a book in silence is more important than the energy my son brings to the house is the day they can cart me off to a home!

I know where you are coming from, my son and daughter are both at uni so it was only my DH, 2 youngest (16&17) and myself at home. They at last had their own rooms and all was calm and peaceful. The dd dropped out of uni for a few reasons which is totally understandable and we are being supportive but oh my the dynamics of the house have changed and it feels so stressful all the time now.

we love them but it’s so hard to change our ways.

She’s your daughter? She sounds like a lovely person, not an inconvenience. You could have a daughter that doesn’t want anything to do with you.

Change can be very difficult for some people and she has been gone for 4 years.

Is she an only child?

It's ok to feel this, but with every bit of strength you have, try and keep it to yourself.

If your daughter gets wind of this, she won't forget it.

Returning from Uni can be a real downer as she too has had her routine.

Bite your tongue and give some thought to middle ground.

Above all, don't act in haste so that you bitterly regret your actions.

Think of the type of relationship you want with her when she leaves again.

Focus on that.

Good luck.

There are no pointers to give you. You just need to change your perspective.

Sorry that people aren’t offering you real suggestions. It sounds perfectly normal - me and my husband had to live apart from a couple of years and whenever he was home we’d have to adjust to each other again. Time will help. If you need some space pop to the shops, see if she can pick up any hobbies to give you some time apart. Support as much as you can with applications etc. If she doesn’t have a TV in her room that will be a good purchase so she can spend some time on her own in the evenings. She’s probably really struggling with being home too, missing her freedom and her friends. I don’t think it’s that strange to feel this way but I wouldn’t tell your daughter as it can be hard to articulate and may come across in the wrong way.

OP when you say ‘we’ does your husband feel exactly the same? The atmosphere must be awful!

Our son is home from uni at the moment and I understand some aspects about readjustment (intimacy, sorry!).

I think you’ve had some harsh replies but I get where you’re coming from. We’ve got dd aged 19 home from university this summer and yeah being honest it’s like readjusting all over again - I was so sad when she went off to university though! It’s funny isn’t it. I think we can all get set in our ways. She’s cooking at odd times, making a huge mess with every pan she can find, dyeing her hair in the bathroom and stinking the house out with dye and making a mess, deciding to paint her nails last thing at night when I want to smell my nice fragranced candles etc but all these things are small things in the grand scheme of things. I just smile and nod and try to enjoy her company - I love her and want her to feel at home.

Seems very sad that you don’t want your daughter around and don’t even want to chat with her. One day you might feel lonely and miss having your daughter there. Presumably she would be happy to get moving out asap once she’s sorted out a job.

She's obviously a resourceful and sociable young woman. This may be the last time you have her at home OP. Tell yourself that. The last chance to share her life so closely. Lucky you.
This too will pass. Be careful what you wish for. There'll be many mornings to come when you'll the shiny kitchen all to yourself.
Find things you can share with her, adult to adult.

I don't really have any advice, because you feel what you feel, but it will be obvious to your dd, and have an impact on her. Maybe you could start by trying to figure out why you feel like this. How were your parents with you? It almost sounds like you've completely detached from her. Has there always been a distance between you?

I've had friends tell me they felt almost like interlopers in their parents' relationship and that it was made very clear that the spouse was more important than the children. This is so far from my own experience with my parents that I find it difficult to comprehend, I suppose. I have always enjoyed the company of my dc and I know that, much as I love him, if I had to make a choice, my dc would always come first before dh, and I would expect the same from him.

I thought you were going to be saying she's loafing around not showering, eating everything in sight and shouting at the Xbox until 3am (like my ds at that age!)

I think, difficult though it may be, you need to remind yourself it's for the short term and she is your child who needs a bit of support until she finds a job.

I wish my dc's chatted to me more - it's like getting blood from a stone sometimes!

Have you just got the one child? I think you're getting a hard time here. The OP has only said she's finding it hard to adapt, not that she hates her daughter. And the dynamic is different from before she left for university because the daughter will have changed.

Has she got friends locally that she sees? Can she get a p/t job in the meantime? Are you her only source or company?

You have to batch cook all day every day? How many batches are you cooking?

She sounds very unwelcome in your home. I went through something similar, and believe me, I have never forgiven my Mother for making me feel like such a spare wheel.

This.
until you’ve had a young adult leave, and then return after a few years, you really have no idea what this is like, and we have young children too…everything changes, the whole family dynamic, and it s not easy.

I found gin helps 💐

I think you need to enjoy it while it lasts. Its temporary. All change is hard to start. I imagine you'll miss her when she is gone. It might be worth having a plan so when it gets to much you can sit and read somewhere quiet like the park or better still jest tell her I'm reading at the moment but I'll be all yours in 20 minutes.

God Almighty. 🙄

You're getting a really hard time here OP and I'm not sure why - I think it's something to do with introverts being judged by extroverts.

Of course once you're in a routine it would be hard having someone cook a full english mid morning and presumably leave the spattered hob and crumbs on the counter.

I too like cooking alone and find it irritating when DH and DS come in and interrupt me.

I think you could introduce some rules - like if she chooses to cook herself a breakfast after you've cleaned up she needs to tidy up after herself properly. Or say between 4-5 kitchen is only to be inhabited by you. If you had a few boundaries you'd maybe enjoy the chat at other times a bit more.

Thank you all that hear me , and that I want to adapt.
I have adhd and really struggle when out of routine. I burn pans on a good day , without distraction..The batch cooking is to reduce the amount of cooking and I cannot talk and cook at the same time at all. When she was little I cooked when she was napping or in bed.

My parents (dad especially) was a bit like this when I had to move back home temporarily after a break-up.

It was definitely "his house" and I was just a guest/inconvenience. I never felt like I could fully relax or leave my stuff downstairs as he really made me feel like I was encroaching on "his" space and home. It wasn't a nice way to feel and we don't really have much to do with each other nowadays - we've not seen each other for a couple of years even though I see my mum weekly.

I totally get that you've settled into your routines and like your alone time, but you need to make the effort to make your DD feel welcome too. So instead of you taking over the kitchen alone, why not offer to take her out to breakfast, or make it together? I mean, surely you can't do that much batch-cooking when there are only three of you at home.

Instead of sitting in silence - go out together. Go for lunch, to see a film or go for a walk - or if you prefer staying home, watch a show or movie together, bake a cake, involve her in the cooking...

Don't push her out and make her feel like an unwelcome intruder - trust me when I say you'll mess your relationship with her up for life.

I have four daughters and reading this has made me feel really sad.
I really hope you haven't given off any of these vibes to her 😢 I haven't got any advice. I just really hope you settle back to life with her back in her own home again quickly so you can enjoy her for the last precious few years before she will leave for good

Carry on as you are, it won't take long for her to get the hint and move on from you.