Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

You sound old before your time. Take this as a push to shake things up a bit.

Now that she’s older you could chat with her about what things you find difficult and what things you find helpful and, at the same time reassure her that you are loving having her home again.
These interludes when our adult children return are the last times we will live with our children, before you know it, they’ve gone.
Be very clear in your own mind what you need to make this situation work and then have a chat with her. She’ll be used to house sharing and other people’s quirks, so it doesn’t need to be a big thing.
People don’t really understand ADHD unless they’ve lived with it; ignore all the outrage, it’s useless noise.

I think it's lovely that your dd wants to talk and spend time with you. How old are you? When my dd finishes uni I'll be 51 so hardly near retirement age!

We're in the same boat as you DS is home after three years. With all the detritus that he'd collected along the way. He went on holiday with friends. I put all his clothing away and bed linen. The office is a tip I've shut the door on that.

He's sent off CVS nothing yet

He starts work tomorrow two part time jobs. Because he's going to need when he gets a job. Deposit on flat, furniture etc. I suggest your daughter gets working. Employers like it when their interviewees have used their initiative between university and their first step on the career ladder.

There'll be no mid morning mess and it's good for her to be working and saving

I think you would have got more useful responses if you had mentioned your ADHD in the initial post.

I think YABU to find your daughter's presence irritating that you don't want to talk to her in her own home. If I thought my parents thought this of me I'd be so hurt.

I understand however the difficulty. I currently have ds 1 home from uni, ds 2 finished gcse's and home all summer. DS 1 has interviews for jobs and DS2 is gigging with his band so hopefully they will leave me in peace a couple of days a week. The constant plates, bowls, food and washing though.

I also work at home.

From end July - DH will be finished at school so that's 3 of them in the house. I may end up going back to the office just for some peace.

However when DS1 goes back to uni I will miss him immensely until I get used to it again. So I sort of understand a little but not to actively dislike my child talking to me. I love both of their presence in our home. Small irritations won't change that.

Trouble is op is that most of the women on this thread have younger children and can’t imagine ever feeling like this. Instead of empathising with you, they’re empathising with your daughter. Which is odd because on other threads the general consensus would be that your daughter is an adult blah blah. I wonder if it would be different if you had a son. You could probably re-frame most of the OPs on here and the general consensus would change. See it as a psychology lesson and don’t take it personally! Or just don’t throw yourself to the wolves!

It’s not that you don’t enjoy her company but it’s difficult having someone around all the time if you’re in a very small space. I’d spend more time doing things with her out of the house because then when you need quiet for your cooking, she won’t feel so rejected.

I think you may have got some more sympathetic replies if you had posted under the thread topic for adult children .

My mum was like you when I finished Uni, felt like I was an inconvenience. It really affected our relationship and we are still not close 34 years down the line. In fact I have limited contact with her. It’s a tough time finishing uni and applying for jobs.

There is always worse in the world, doesn't mean nothing bothers you.

This

Op I'm sure it's been said a 100 times but just because you're in a routine or like xny and z doesn't mean it's good for you.
To keep fresh it's important to keep changing.
This won't be forever and you can settle back into your routine when she's gone.
Keep thinking how this is keeping you young and fresh, and probably staving off dementia.

For her also try new activities.
Ask her to help cook. Suggest doing something totally new for both of you.

Nope, am menopausal with older DC and live in a small London flat. I don't care much about clean kitchens though, especially in summer. I appreciate that the OP has ADHD, so my suggestion would be to spend some time outside with her DD and then have quiet reading time when they return.

Agree with violet

To @MRSAHILL please start a thread, maybe in the adoption boards or in the adult children (op probably worth you doing that as well) you will get help and support and somewhere to vent

I mean this with kindness Op, but try not to get too set in your ways too young.

It happened to 2 of my elderly relatives and they became absolutely miserable to be around if they didn’t get their tea (specific sort of tea) at a specific time with their specific granola etc etc. They didn’t like noise so didn’t like the grand kids being around.
They would miss out on family gatherings If they clashed with ‘the day they saw a friend’ ‘the bridge club’.

I would work on being flexible, kind and compassionate at a younger age, or this could be your future! Your daughter sounds lovely.

My 22 has moved back, so has her boyfriend. My younger one also has her boyfriend living here. I think- think yourself lucky!

How do I cope? By choosing my battles. I could get hung up on things but the way I see it is that from 70-85 I will probably miss the energy of them and long for the days the house was full.

You can be quiet when yer dead!

You're not being unreasonable to feel like this. It is a big upheaval after your peaceful 4 years. You recognise all of this and will be able to think of ways of getting you all settled again. I don't know why people are being nasty to you, you are a mum but you're also only human!

I feel so sad for her. She can come and chat to me while I'm cooking anytime

Our daughter came home in autumn 2019 with the plan of working until spring then would work at camp in America then travel in Australia in autumn - well covid obviously stopped that - the good news was her temporary job got made full time - sadly for her for next 2 years she was stuck at home with her parents with all wfh - we survived it by her doing her own cooking when we went to walk the dogs ( she’s veggie so it made sense to cook separately) and we put a telly in her room so she could escape her annoying parents - we also did stuff together - did the Marvel marathon twice and week and worked as a team on family zoom quiz night - we survived 2 years of it and I am delighted that she is now traveling- it’s ok to feel a bit out of sorts when you are used to being empty nesters - give yourself space - agree a kitchen and bathroom timetable if you need to - but also schedule some joint activities

Does DD know about your ADHD?

If not, it might be time to explain to her.
If she does, remind her.
FWIW, I can't cook with someone in the kitchen watching me.

If you need silence to concentrate on cooking maybe you could just say something like "Darling I just need to concentrate for the next 30 minutes, would you like to sit down and have a cup of tea together when I've finished?" It's not unreasonable to need space at certain times. BTW you might get more helpful/supportive comments on the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters board as you've mentioned having ADHD.

You sound old before your time. Take this as a push to shake things up a bit

This...you asked how to cope. Acceptance and managing your emotions. Remember you love her and think of this as a small window of opportunity to spend time with her before she launches into the world. She is a different person to the one who left for Uni. Take time to talk and get to know her.

Accept you have become fixed and developed a tendency to be irritated easily - and that's isn't good for you. See it as a blessing.

And mentioned that she has ADHD which makes it extra difficult for her to deal with doing something (cooking) and chatting. That would have been helpful to know at the start.

I have found it quite hard when my - now adult - children have had unstructured time at home.

One daughter's gap year was rather chaotic - she did various bits of temporary work but her au pairing/travel plans didn't work out and she returned home depressed and gloomy. Another was with us for a while after university. A lot of her friends had moved away and sending out job applications/going for interviews was stressful. At such times they swing between regressing to childhood or asserting their grown-upness. And as a parent you don't know quite when to mother them and when to have adult conversations about chores, contributing to rent etc.

None of this means we don't love our children and value time spent with them. But it's a transition time and I think sometimes conversations need to be had about how best to manage.