Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

My mum seemed very pissed off when I returned home after university. I always felt it was a two women, one kitchen problem. It’s kind of nice to have it confirmed that she probably did feel like that. Fry ups mid morning would not have happened in her kitchen!! Thankfully, not long after I met DH and moved out. It’s a good job I did move out as our relationship would have been seriously damaged had it gone on much longer.

You can say you need apace in a positive way.

I'm really want to chat and give you my full attention. I'm cooking at the moment but would love to catch you at X time for a coffee and a natter.

I agree with this!

I supoose the issue is, they are not going out? suddenly you have someone there 24/7?

Its the same when people retire and suddenly are at home all the time. Or when lockdown hit and everyone working from home. You have no time when its just you in your own home, able to potter about.

maybe she needs to commit to some regular routine? a voluntary job or something. or a class.

YABU.

Your home is her home. She wants to chat to her mum whilst she's at home and you're moaning about it.

I feel so sad for her reading your post, I really do.

I think 'returning children' are also a whole lot easier if you have a big house or a spare wing to park them in. Or even two loos/showers.

Yes but the OP said her daughter is lovely. She chats to her mum, distracting her from her batch cooking and cooks herself breakfast mid morning after the kitchen’s been cleaned. They seem to be the biggest bugbears so it’s not really comparable.

OP, may I gently suggest that you are behaving like a 80 year old. For goodness sake, enjoy your daughter being home after 4 years. You should be thrilled that she actually wants to sit and talk with you, rather than staring at her phone or doing all she can to avoid you.

I think YANBU about needing to find ways to adjust, but I agree with PP that the most important thing is time.

It’s also ok to set some boundaries: if your DD is leaving pots and pans unwashed after cooking, for example, just remind her calmly to sort them out. If it’s more about her being in your space at your routine cooking times you can either change your routine or ask her to change hers - or, even better, negotiate something that works for both of you.

I’ve had to adjust my routine several times since the beginning of the pandemic as my young adults moved in and out in different configurations with each lockdown. And four months ago my mother moved in with us. So I sympathise! But as long as you avoid resentment, and remember that your DD is not a mind reader, you can work things out.

Golly you are getting a hard time op. If you are happy to have your young adult kids back in your home that’s great, but it’s not for everyone (my mum was clear when I left for uni it was time to live elsewhere as she wanted her house back - I totally understood that - things are harder for young people now though, so I think it’s lovely if a parent has their kids back to stay, but it should not be expected or a given). I totally understand why you are finding it tough op (small house so you can hear noise, god that would drive me demented). I think you all need to sit down and have a talk. Set some ground rules. Maybe set a timeline. It won’t be for ever and hopefully you can enjoy the time she is back with you, with a few tweaks.

What about getting out of the house with her?

Routine disruption is actually good for one's mental health, but yes it can be difficult at first.

If you are outside, doing something completely different, would it be easier?

Apologies, I didn’t seem to read the last bit so my reply is nonsense. I feel for you, that must be terrible.

Dear OP - just felt I had to post because I want to tell you your problems could be a lot lot worse with DD returning home after 4 year uni - thank your lucky stars! Like there could be drugs, rock n' roll. despicable BF, pregnancy etc. all at once - or ever worse - she could be telling YOU what to do all the time!

@Superdoopas You have my sympathies. When I was young, I felt that I could step off a moving carousel and when I chose to rejoin, everything would be exactly as I left it - I would have changed, but everyone else would be just how I left them.
Your daughter has grown and developed, but I'm sure she feels that it's just a return to the sixth form status quo.
The change would have occurred anyway, but I wouldn't underestimate the effect of lockdown to make us all a bit more introverted and self-sufficient than we were pre-Covid.
Within a few years, she may be living far away and the opportunity for a chat and a coffee might be greatly reduced. Perhaps you could agree some specific face to face time when you can give her your full attention.
Good luck.

I hear you, OP.

My Y2 came home today and the house is in chaos. Y4 (final) is coming home in the week with the gf in tow for a week.? And all his gear.

They're obvs all welcome, as your DD is, but suddenly there will be too many Big People in our space!

We'll adapt, as will you, but I know I struggled a bit at Xmas. It doesn't mean we don't love them, it means our routines are thrown asunder. At the point where us parents are beginning to really reconnect with each other as adults, not 'mum and dad'.

I did wonder if you were ADHD or ASD. Is your DD aware or have you always coped by having strict routines to hide it?

How long is she likely to be at home and does she have a job lined up? It must be as difficult for her as it is for you, as she has just lost the freedom of her university years and is moving into the next phase of her life. Please try hard not to make her feel unwelcome as she sounds as though she is feeling as discombobulated as you.

Draw up a list of things you do which are red, amber or green. The red ones are the ones you need to protect, such as your time in the kitchen cooking. Amber should be your kitchen cleaning time, as you could move the time you do it and slot something else in before you begin to create a new routine. Green are the things you enjoy doing in her company. Explain that you are finding it hard to adjust to having her around again, but it will always be her home. Find out if she has her own red and amber activities. Then compromise.

My mother is like you. We haven't spoken in more than a year. Before that, we had 20 years of "tolerating" each other. At least you are aware of your differences and asking here about what you can do. My mother was unable to do this during our 20-year period of my very occasional visits. The only solutions are to relax your standards and/or change your routine while letting her know that you are really very happy to have your home your way (you're allowed!) and she needs to make changes. Your house, your rules!

How old are you, op?

I don’t think there’s any thing wrong with explaining you find it hard to cook and chat. Maybe suggest another time for a chat or something else you can do together?

Adjustments are hard but you are in a wonderful position during a difficult time. You and DH have made a good life for yourselves, through your own efforts but also because you were young when such a thing was possible. You were born at a good time. Today is very much harder for young people.

So how about telling yourself...

Aren't we lucky our lovely daughter wants to spend time in our company.
Aren't we lucky that our lovely daughter is trying to find her way in the world.
Aren't we lucky to be able to support our young adult daughter.

Aren't we lucky that our daughter isn't infirm or in a dangerous situation, isn't estranged from us, is alive and well.

Finally remind yourselves that this time is precious. One day she will be gone, quite possibly living a long way from you. And then perhaps you will miss those opportunities to chat.

Things could be so much worse. Take my word for it and count your blessings. Think what you might be able to do together and try to make it happen. Make this a happy empowering time for her, not a time she will look back on and feel bad about. You and DH are empowered. Do your very best to make sure your daughter feels the same.

This is just so unfair. There is such a difference when an adult child moves home. It's not possible to understand it when they are living with you but it is an adjustment when they return.

I still have younger children at home and I'm not a routine or quiet person and I still found it hard to readjust when DC2 came home at 25. We all had to adjust, it probably took 6months to feel normal again. He stayed for 18 months and when he left we really missed him and had to readjust again.
Of course my children will always be welcome back but I don't want them back, I want them to be independent adults and have their own life.

Some of these replies are really mean.

I’d also be heartbroken if this was my mum. However objectively she is a person in her own right. People do get into habits and set in their ways. OP is conscious of this and is asking for advice on how to deal with the situation….she isn’t shunning her daughter or about to spill the fact she preferred her own company to spite her! Your feelings are completely valid OP. I am a mum now and also quite fond of my own company and I know my mum is too….but I am 30 now and it’s something I’ve grown to know about her, not something she’s ever made me “feel”.

I think it will be a hard adjustment period for you but you might need to relearn to just sit back and allow your daughter to fit back into life at home too. Let the little things go and find joy in the moments of time you can spend together

I was wondering how old you are too OP. Because saying you like to do the same things in a certain way at the same time every day makes me think you're in your 70's. If not my advice is to just go with the flow. It doesn't matter if you don't clean the kitchen every day at the same time. Just have a chat. You might enjoy it.

Why don’t you try pretending you’re on holiday and you don’t need to do the things you usually do. Ask your daughter if she wants to help you make a cake and have a chat while you do that and then do your batch cooking, if needed. Accept an untidy kitchen until after lunch.
It must be difficult if you’re set in your ways, but she’s still your daughter and presumably you enjoy/like being with her and it won’t be for long. Once she finds a job and moves out again you may not see her very often and wish you had spent that time with her.

@BeBellePeppa Thanks, it's my own fault for going on too much, no wonder you got confused. It's the first time I've ever told anyone what he's really like and I feel like a massive weights off my chest, although I was dreading people having a go at me on here. If I told any other members of our very small family they'd tell me to throw him out, but I can't. I can appreciate that the op and her dh have had their routine disrupted and their peace has been interrupted a bit but their daughter sounds a nice girl who obviously loves spending time with her parents. Apart from her not washing up after cooking, she sounds great.