Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

Its hardly a big deal, is it? Not being able to follow recipes while chatting.

It sounds like you've become very unsocialised.

But this is your own daughter, who was living with you all the time until only 4 years ago!

Ie things we can say to ourselves to help us adapt. We really want to support her and stop the feeling that we want our house back . Its not a big house and there isnt much privacy , we can hear each other all the time etc

Well, its up to the pair of you. You are choosing to behave the way you do and make this seem all dramatic and all about the pair of you. Maybe you could consider changing your routine and go out for a walk instead of cooking all morning?

It's normal to struggle with having a person in and out of a household. Many parents day that they feel this with a partner who works away or is in the military. But I agree with previous posters that your routines sound quite inflexible and solitary given that your DD wanted to chat (lovely that she enjoyed your company and wanted to share). Are you relatively older parents? It's unusual for a couple to be retired or even semi retired with a child still in an undergraduate degree. I would remind yourself that it's your DD's home as well and she brings a different but lovely dynamic. Presumably you have many years of retirement in front of you and your DD could be up and away in a few months. This is a time to enjoy the lovely adult-adult child relationship before you're needed for support during bigger life changes - like babysitting!

Maybe try and suggest things that you'll do together each days that you are happy to share like dinner out, or a BBQ at home or cup of coffee /.drinks. I'd you chat and enjoy each other's company at that time then you both might be ready for more solitary actives after. This might give you the alone time you need while still connecting with her. If that doesn't work then you could also get the feel of her schedule and plan your solitary activities early in there morning if she's a later sleeper, while she's our with friends or later at night.

First of all address the batch cooking thing, sit down and tell her that you love the fact she wants to talk to you, but ypu get a bit lost trying to cook, follow the recipe and hold a conversation. So going forward if she can have the recipe you are following and give you directions as needed, then you can focus on just the cooking and the conversation and she can chat to you and tell you what you need to do next as you need the information.
For example, you and your DD are chatting and then you can say oh hold on DD what do I need to do now, she can then say you need to do xyz, you say thank you amd continue the conversation.
The clean kitchen thing you may need to get over a bit, unless she doesn't do her pots then tell her you don't mind doing the dishes all together, but if she cooks in a clean kitchen can she please clean her pots after her.
You need to adapt the routine you have gotten stuck in to accommodate her, but she will also need to adapt hers a little too.
Also as a previous pp has said remember that it may be the last time and that she could move out soon.

Why don't you sit down with her and plans meals and some activities together? That way you can cook together and then go to the gym/walks/cinema/shopping etc together. This might be your last chance of ever having her to yourself.

I think you should suggest that you set aside 2 days a week to have the kitchen to yourself to potter and cook with little interruption. I'm an introvert and definitely need some time in my home on my own.

The rest of the days if focus on enjoying her company and making sure that full English was followed by her cleaning up.

Could she be I charge of cooking one day a week?

Very sad.
Sad that you don;t enjoy her company, sad that you are not willing to change your schedule to find positive ways to relate to your DD.

You've got used to your routines, that's OK but now you need to create new routines.

When your dd comes to chat while you're cooking, why not get her involved- even if you just ask her to read the next recipe step. Teach her some of your best dishes - she'll really treasure that in years to come.

If she's after company, do things together. Mother-daughter time and father-daughter time. If these are things you can do out of the house then the parent not going can have the house to themselves for a bit.

Cleaning is also a flash point for tensions. Is she not cleaning up after herself when she's cooked breakfast or is it more that you object to the kitchen being used after you've cleaned it?

If it's the latter, you need to get over it, you've being deeply unreasonable. If it's the former, you need to communicate with each other better.

Moving home after uni is a really lonely time tbh. Your life completely changes and you're left trying to establish yourself and even if you know what you want to do, it can feel directionless. On top of that, you're doing all this at your family home where old family roles reassert themselves you all struggle with adjusting expectations of each other.

She's been used to running her own home in many ways, your way probably feels quite restrictive.

I really hope she's not picked up on how you both feel, she'll be devastated.

The way to look at it is as a pp said: you'll never have this time with her again. She'll never be this person again - full of hope and excitement for the future, unjaded by adult responsibilities. She has more time on her hands now than she'll ever have again, you have a wonderful opportunity to create some really special memories and forge a new bond as you get to know her as a young adult.

Another thought and please don't be offended but given her age, could you be menopausal? If so your tolerance for others may be unusually low right now.

Surely it’s not long since your whole house was a bombsite because of her as a kid? And you adapted then. I don’t want to sound rude as you are recognizing a problem but you just adapt surely? Do batch cooking when she’s gone out, it’s not hard. You sound like you’ve got set in your ways and a bit selfish, it might do you good (meant nicely but sounds harsh I know!)

Imagine you're on holiday, so ground rules/habits can change while dd is with you? You will have all the time in the world to bake after she has left home.

Set ground rules for her re cleaning, cooking etc so she fits in with your timetable.

What do you both enjoy doing? Arrange to do that! Get out of the house and go to a country park, into London for cocktails, to a museum etc., and just enjoy being together.

And think that you may never have this time again. Dd will have left home again before you know it and you may never live under the same roof as her again.

How old are you OP? Your routine sounds like it could use some shaking up tbh, you can't batch cook every day surely?

I get you OP, especially the kitchen thing. I keep reminding myself it's ds's home too and he needs to feel like it is.

I'm shocked at the kitchen doesn't need cleaning comments, surely you need to clean the kitchen after every meal?

I get you OP. It's hard when they leave and hard when they come back! I'm fed up of piles of stuff everywhere, soaking wet bathmats and dirty plates in bedrooms. And eye rolls when I ask for clean ups like I'm being uncool/suburban. I just try to enjoy their company, don't go in their rooms and remind myself what a slob I was at that age. It's not for ever

What, like don't cook for yourself or don't chat yo me? Those are the things OP is complaining about.

For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative

How many meals are you batch cooking for you/DH and DD, two days a week should be enough for the three of you.

From your OP it seems she lived there before she went to uni and you haven't downsized? If so what was it like before? Surely the things you resent now were an issue when she was 18/19 or is it that your life has changed since then?

Your poor DD!

This. I’m a domiciliary carer and about 95% of my users live alone and have no visitors. What they’d give to have a little bit of company or to have their children under their feet again :/ I get that it’s annoying having someone in your house, but this is your daughter, not a guest, and she’s only there temporarily. It’s so sad your solitary cooking and strict kitchen cleaning schedule is more important than spending time with your daughter.

My parents resented me coming home too. Now I barely go over.. I don’t know what else to say other than try harder.

I think the batch cooking in silence, assuming it is not seven days a week, seems a starting point. You are only asking for silence for a limited time, and there is an understandable reason for wanting this.

Awkward when it's a functional room like a kitchen though? The DD needs to be able to cook too.

Only if you’re literally throwing food all over.
I prep on chopping board etc, my food’s in a pan/oven tray/instant pot. All the surfaces need are a quick wipe.

Also what do you mean by every meal? Surely making a sandwich doesn’t need any post cleaning

OP is entitled to her feelings.

Your mum may also have had some reservations after an afult dc moves in after 4 years.

The guilt tripping of women on this site is terrible,

It is tough, but it does get better, and I enjoy having ds at home, although he could help more than he does.

Eventually, he will get a job away from where we live, and I will miss him. He has a different outlook on life and current affairs, which is always interesting and makes me reexamine my views.

This could be just the push you need, op. Can you try to see this as a real positive ... here you are, sliding into the life of the elderly and yet only ...60? ....65? Only so much active life left before you really are going to be needing more rests, routine etc
What could you do with your daughter to break these routines and get back to a more active life?
Go out for brunch together? Go on a long walk together? Go to a museum? An art gallery?
Set up some joint goals that get you all out and about, mixing up the routine.

Remind yourself that this is the last summer your daughter will be home for such a prolonged period of time. These chats that the timing of don’t suit you are very near coming to a complete standstill.

Will you miss your daughter when she finds a job, how often do you expect to see her going forward ?