Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

Is she pulling her weight as an adult or has she reverted to childhood behaviours?

Totally get that it is a transition, must be hard. What did she do in lockdown? Did she not come back to you then?

I agree with pps who say get a bit of a grip. One day you won't have her and you'll be desperate for a chat

This was me my dss came home due to covid and uni being online. He was a nightmare! He used to cook a full English for lunch, when the kitchen was just cleaned. He would order massive asda deliveries that would come on a Friday night when everyone was chilling, trays and trays of ingredients for his next cooking concoction. Endless deliveroo deliveries which he wouldn't hear the door

My dd returned from uni, deferent set of problems...2 hour evening baths, hair dryer on for about an hour.. the washer never of.

You have my sympathies x

A rota for when activities are permissible ? Or a schedule for who's in charge of x

Your daughter probably isn't goint to be around for that long. I'm not sure how long you think it will take her to get a job but I doubt it will take long. In no time at all she will be moving out. Make the most of this time.

Please nurture your relationship with your daughter. This is one thing that my Mum never did. She gave me little to no attention while I was at university and during my 20s and 30s. Now she is in her 80s she really needs me but I really struggle because she just doesn't know or value me as a person. She never really wanted to spend time with me when I was younger and I get constant comments about other people's daughters ringing and visiting every day. It's truly draining.

You’ve got too set in your ways, you sound like an elderly pensioner, which I’m assuming you’re not? Look at it like your daughter has brought some energy and life back into a family home (which sounds more like a retirement home). You say she’s lovely so it’s not as if you’ve got some miserable layabout there. Enjoy your daughter’s company and put your rigid cleaning and reading schedule on hold for a bit.

I've had this happen, and can understand that you change once it's just the two of you, but you have to change again once they return. You acknowledge that you have a lovely daughter, a blessing when you read some stories of dealing with adult children on MN. I think all you can do is count your blessings, and accept it'd going to take a while to adapt back to being a 3 again.

This.
It's exceptionally frustrating doing your routine cleaning, getting the kitchen sorted for the rest of the day, only to have it ruined by someone who cooks brunch and doesn't tidy or clean to the same standards.

Make sure she understands she's expected to pull her weight.

The batch cooking - I'd try and meet her on that one- it's nice that she wants to chat and she probably sees it as a good time. It is a good time for most people.

I remember my mum going mental at me doing very normal things like leaving my coat on the back of a chair rather than hanging it up. Even though she’s far from a tidy person herself, she’d got very USED to her mess/noise/ways alone and found me an irritation.

it’s good that you don’t want to feel like this. I’d suggest you and your husband (her dad?) have taken to talking about her as if it’s her against the pair of you, that’s not very healthy. She’s not home to annoy you. So I’d try to change the way you bitch talk about her. Then I’d get out of the house more. How about a day out doing a long walk together, or shopping/lunch? What do you like about her? What activities would bring that side of her out.

if it’s likely to be quite a wee while (months) til she can find work, how about you encourage her to find part time work nearby, most pubs and cafes are still crying out for staff. That’ll give you some quiet time at home.

I wonder if you have some anxiety over control and hygiene around the house ie are things a bit deeper?

"Will you miss your daughter when she finds a job?" - I suspect not.

I can't believe people are supporting the OP and no its not the same as a DH coming back from military etc - this is your OWN CHILD. If you don't like your DD she'll soon realise, maybe fuck off and you'll never have to put up with her again. What in god's name are you going to be like when you have grandchildren?! Or are you planning to move with no forwarding address? My eldest has just come home finished uni too - she's managing to put up with me and I'm bloody grateful for it. Batch cooking taking precedent over your daughter. Jesus.

How on earth are you making so much mess that you need to clean the kitchen every time you cook? I cleaned the kitchen this morning. Oh has just made a roast and the kitchen is still sparkling? All I need to do is wash a few pans…

God, I would be so thankful if my DD wanted to talk to me at that age.

Batch cooking for the two of you. I can’t see that taking very long or needing silence to manage it.

can you plan something nice to do together? Have you anything in common?

Btw she may well continue to bounce back home on occasion in future years in case of job change, relationship breakdown, maternity leave etc. Laying the groundwork for being able to unclench and remember how precious she is to you and how precious you are to her NOW will help you each time. Don’t be the parent who loses perspective and thinks making that curry or whatever now is way more important than getting to know your child and making sure she knows you as you both grow and change. She’s an adult now, it’s a good time for you to share family stories for example with her.

I hear you OP. My last child left home 3 years ago. I love it when they come home for the occasional night or weekend, but I wouldn't want to live with them full time again. They came on holiday last year with us for 2 weeks. We stayed in a villa. By the end of the two weeks we were all starting to get on each other's nerves. I was in my mid 30s when my first child was born and dh was late 40s. Maybe being older parents makes a difference?

Maybe at least temporarily you need to let go of your routines and find some new ones. Get out for a walk or shopping in the mornings, for example, and tell DD to leave the kitchen clean after she's had her fry-up!

I think moderation and communication are the keys for you.
You will have to lower your expectations even in your own house. Communicate well with your DD. Tell her your plans for the day…like…I am getting up at 9am and will be using the kitchen by myself until 12 but would you like to have lunch out together at 12.30 or cook lunch for us both? Or perhaps I can cook us both lunch if you would be able to clean up afterwards tomorrow?
It will be a challenging time. There is no two ways about that.

Our home will always be home for my adult children.
I was asked to leave at 18, and it was made clear I wasn't welcome back.
As long as I am able I will be a safety net and a loving home to my children if they need it.

I’ve been on the other side of this in your DD’s position. It never got better to be honest. I came home from uni and it was clear that DM struggled having me in what she clearly then considered ‘her’ space. We had always been very close and it made it affected our relationship, so I went out a lot and moved out asap.

So maybe time is what you need to adapt, or help her with deposit/rent if you can and it’s worth it to you.

If your set in your ways and have to do
things at certain times try to work out why. Was it like this while she was growing up?

Are you more anxious? Having to clean the kitchen at a certain time every day isn’t normal behaviour. Wanting to clean the kitchen but having flexibility it could be 8am vs 1pm is more normal.

Maybe look into CBT if it is anxiety.

My mum is like this and it is quite hurtful. Are you able to support your DD into her own place? Can she get temporary work whilst she applies for something permanent?

Are you able to talk with your DD about how you feel? In our case at least our parents make it clear how they feel.

I'm giving you a handhold here OP. Mine is sixteen going on seventeen and we've had our moments though I love her to bits I do notice the amount of washing, washing up there is when she is at home studying and there has been a lot of that because the college that was supposed to be full time - didn't turn out to be full time because of the recruitment crisis/Covid etc.

Its no wonder that you've got into a bit of a routine, or even rut whilst she has been away, and it is an adjustment, no doubt about that.

In various lockdowns I've clung on to my household routines for dear life sometimes, realising probably I need to branch out but also needing that routine in a way I didnt seem to when I was younger.

Perhaps look at it a bit like dancing? This is a different dance now you are at different stages of life. There is an element of loss perhaps when a uni course ends and a fear of uncertainty perhaps also, given the world as it is.

Perhaps she thinks she is not wanted there, a simple 'I love you' called from the other room works wonders.

I was just about to say the same, I don't even live with her, it's even just when I stay for a 'holiday' with them. They don't understand why myself and my DCs don't stay often!
It's hilarious 'come and stay, it's cheap and it will be great to see you, upu can do what you want'
Then when we're there 'why aren't you up/fed/out the house, why haven't you washed up 20 times today. Why are the DC so selfish, why aren't you all doing the cooking and washing up'

OP your DD will know exactly how you feel about her being there.

I need to wipe down, clean the sink, empty and load the dishwasher which seems to be on at least twice a day. Floor needs doing once a day as the kitchen leads on to the garden and we're in and out all day. With 3 of us at home all day the kitchen gets used a lot.