Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

sutrely your batch cooking needs some focus in the same way that if she needed to study for the morning, she could not do it if you were sat with her chatting away?

So just mention that Monday mornings (or whenever) is batch cooking day so youll need the kitchen free and empty for that process. My boyfriend does that when its BEER MAKING DAY - he needs to measre stuff etc - i can grab quick coffee but i wouldn't insist on chatting to him - just as i wouldn't if he was working or on a call.

'Only' four years?

Is there a length of time when you can consider it permanent?

Thinking of OP this morning. I'm going into hospital tomorrow for a minor procedure. So I've been cleaning, washin, hoovering etc because I'm not able to bend, lift for four weeks. I'm not supposed to sneeze or cough either

DS has a stinking cold and is wombling around coughing and sneezing while he makes a snack, clutters up the sitting room. He's moping because university is finished and he'll be parted from his partner until they both get proper jobs.

I'm trying not to snap at him but he's in the way that's for sure

So, would you be prepared to have your child home forever? If not, how long?
At what age do you think you can send them on their way?

I love my kids. They've all been back more than once. I accommodate them, make room for them, accept that they don't always do things my way.

But I'm bloody glad when they've gone!

It's my house. It's my home. They want homes of their own and after my DH and I being parents for 40+ years we deserve to have peace and quiet and do what we want when we want in our own house without considering anyone else.

This is a bit niche but there's a short story called The Unrest Cure by Saki, OP reminds me of the character in that.

I don't know how it is,'' he told his friend, I'm not much over forty, but I seem to have settled down into a deep groove of elderly middle-age. My sister shows the same tendency. We like everything to be exactly in its accustomed place; we like things to happen exactly at their appointed times; we like everything to be usual, orderly, punctual, methodical, to a hair's breadth, to a minute. It distresses and upsets us if it is not so. For instance, to take a very trifling matter, a thrush has built its nest year after year in the catkin-tree on the lawn; this year, for no obvious reason, it is building in the ivy on the garden wall. We have said very little about it, but I think we both feel that the change is unnecessary, and just a little irritating.''
Perhaps,'' said the friend, it is a different thrush.''
We have suspected that,'' said J. P. Huddle, and I think it gives us even more cause for annoyance. We don't feel that we want a change of thrush at our time of life; and yet, as I have said, we have scarcely reached an age when these things should make themselves seriously felt.''

Oh OP you have my sympathy.
DD1 came home a year ago after a 4 year course and it certainly has required some renegotiation. She isn't the same person she was 4/5 years ago and neither am I.
When she arrived she was in a pretty poor state and needed some care so in a way, that was easier, I could still 'mum' her a bit. But as she's grown in confidence and wellness we've probably had more fractious moments as she seeks to establish her independence and I've found it necessary to remind her that this comes with some responsibilities. There has been a lot of tongue biting on both sides I'm sure. What helped was:
1/ her getting a job. ANY job, initially. She has an excellent graduate program type role now, BUT took other work until it came through. It gave her financial freedom and got her out of the house. Good for both of us.
2/ Tell her the problem. 'Love, light of my life, beloved fruit of my loins etc etc, I love you more than I can say BUT Monday mornings? I need the kitchen to myself, UNINTERRUPTED, or no-ones getting fed'
3/This will pass.

Good luck. X

That's wonderful- thank you for sharing that.

I love Saki! "Romance at short notice was her specialty". That reminds me a bit of OP's DD as well.

That's brilliant I can see it in friends husband's more than the women I know, to be fair we're more able or expected to be flexible, not sure which though at times

@EnterACloud I've just bought the book for a friend's big birthday and a copy for myself. We shall both enjoy it. Thanks

@thing47

how long will you like it for?
when she’s 40 and she’s still living with you would you like it then?

@AnnieMill

oh here we go, that beloved mumsnet trope- you must bend over backwards for your adult offspring and do everything they want and put yourself completely on the back burner - if not , they will chuck you in a home in your old age!

BOLLOCKS!!

@TheDepthsOfDespair

op doesn’t need therapy

she doesn’t need to change

the onus is on her daughter to fit in and adjust to life at her parents home

op doesn’t need to change what she does - it’s her house

That's a fair question, and one I can't answer definitively for obvious reasons!

The answer is probably that I wouldn't mind, per se, but that I totally agree with you that part of raising DCs is to equip them to cope with the world on their own and with living independently.

I do agree with PPs that once DCs have lived away at university, the nature of the relationship on their return is subtly different, but as I know they are perfectly capable of doing their own cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning etc, I have no hesitation in communicating to them that they need to keep doing it.

Tough. You have to meet halfway somehow? She's adult, I think she will understand that you like your alone batch cooking time and you can have coffee and chat later on? I do get you have your own ways since your daughter moved out 4 years ago. With breakfast at 12PM, I think you have to compromise a bit too. You can't tell her to have porridge at 8AM, because you like kitchen clean. Just ask her to clean after herself. My mum is a bit like this. Everything has to be her way. You can't even lose a hair, because floor will be messy. Not a single drop can be on the kitchen counter. I really don't like visiting her and I do it very rarely.

*So are you saying a house is only the home of the person who pays the mortgage? Hmm, that's an interesting take.

So in the years when I was a stay-at-home mum looking after a young family and DH was paying the entire mortgage out of his salary, it wasn't actually my home? I would beg to differ on that one*

eugh ffs you are his wife so that's totally different to an adult child in that the house is half yours in every way both legally,logically and morally.You are clearly being obtuse in making a point like that.

Fortunately the last page of posts seem to have a bit more awareness of the issues that having adult children at home can bring. One of them is that you can't really tell them what to do. You can ask them and hope that they are reasonable. Otherwise you have to just suck up their untidiness or noisiness or being in your kitchen or bathroom or watching the TV when you've previously had freedom to use it when you choose

im 36 and my parents have no bother telling me to do x y and z. I despise living at home, my mum can be an impossible cunt and it's a nightmare situation but I'm ill and not working so can't afford otherwise.

I am always shocked at the tiptoeing parents do around their offspring on mn-if they are adults and fucking around in your house get them out and if they are teens and won't do as you say then do your job and parent them.

@justasking111

he really needs to be coughing or sneezing into the crook of his arm not all over food others will eat, how gross

I suggested it because OP said that she wanted to change how she felt about it. How she could manage it. She didn’t say she wanted her daughter to change.

personally I think it should be a joint effort with both sides trying to adapt and compromise.

@thing47

well that’s completely different isn’t it. Husband and wife versus parent and adult child. Your name will have been on the marriage and there are legal elements too.

op’s home does not belong to her daughter. It’s is OP’s home and her her husbands but not her daughters. End of.

I’ve gone slightly against the grain here and voted yanbu

Reason being as you’ve said, she is looking for a job currently. Literally every business locally to me is crying out for staff atm, whilst it may not be a job relevant to her degree or what she wants to do particularly, she should quickly be in work which will

a) get her out of the house for a period of time each day, giving the relationship some space
b) give her more financial independence to both socialise and save for her own place- thus point A as above

I think you need to be a bit more tolerant in the meantime, and less faffy about your routine. However, with the jobs market being as it is at the moment, I personally wouldn’t be impressed with an adult child being at home all day either. There is loads of work out there at the moment.

Ohhhh OP, I'm sorry that you're finding this transition hard.

Usually, when like our routines, they provide us with a sense of safety. The world and life is chaotic and our little ways help us to feel more in control, a bit of order.

Not everyone struggles or has reactions to life changing shape, but there are many reasons that contribute to why someone might find change hard.

Have you considered a little bit of talking therapy where you can collect some new tools, ones that work for you as an individual, to help you meet life with more ease when life changes shape? I know that I've had to do this and it made all the difference to my quality of life.

You already know that your daughter just wants to be close to you and spend time with you, you already get that, but it's more about finding ways to ease into not having that independent control and moving into more interdependent living. That kind of layering can take some time, so don't beat yourself up about initially finding it hard. It's not about how much you love your kids, but about how you meet life.

A bit of CBT or counselling might really help you meet these changes. And if you get support now for those little things, like what's going on in your home, it will kit you out for when the big, unexpected life changes come (the kinds that happen for everyone at some point or other) and that can only be a great thing?

I think you need to think about your relationship with your dd in the longer term, and also try and see things from her pov a bit. That might help you to adjust your behaviour. You do sound rather stuck in a rut, how old are you?

My dd is back from Uni atm. The house is constantly full of her and her boyfriend, old school friends, uni friends. It drives me mental on one level because every time they cook (which they seem to need to do every 10 seconds) they strew the kitchen floor with food and touch every handle in the kitchen, seemingly with a mixture of honey and butter. They do 'clear up' but it's their version, not mine. However, the joy I get from having them around and being able to talk to them all about what they are up to is so worth it, so I bite my tongue (unless they don't 'clear up' in which case I rip them a new one) and just clean it all up when they are gone. It usually takes about 5 mins, so I wipe down the handles, get the little kitchen stick hoover thingy out and hoover up all the bits, rewash things like frying pans/baking trays which have been washed up (haha) but are smeared in grease.

I am able to say for eg tonight we need some peace and quiet so bugger off upstairs or go out or to someone else's house. Our house is where they all like to be though because they feel welcome here and not like they are impinging.

Take me and my dh. My parents always welcomed me and my friends/boyfriends with open arms, weren't fussed about mess (and would clear up I'm sure!) and we could all stay as long as we wanted.

DH's parents were very much of the we were there on their terms types. They were welcoming, but we felt like guests, not family members. Things were very much on their terms.

My old friends and even boyfriends still go and see my parents, dd's friends come and see us if they are home, sometimes stay for dinner, we have wine and chat, it's just lovely.

This does not happen with dh's family. We never stay over there as we feel like we are in the way. We stay with my parents, we go on holiday with them, they are great fun and welcoming and we want to be around them!

So I guess if you can work out what you want in the longer term that would help. Are you happy in your situation? Or do you feel that your horizons have shrunk a little bit too far, and dd being home is making you realise this? Do you go out and have fun with her ever? Maybe you could have a girls' night out and try and connect with her a bit more?

when I came back from uni, I struggled to adapt and so did my parents. I had changed and liked things a certain way and so had they. This is normal when it comes to growing up. It would be the same if you moved in with anyone.
There are some things you can adapt like cleaning the kitchen later so she can cook, other things talk to her about like being unable to follow a recipe whilst talking but maybe suggest doing something after like going for coffee.

Think this more common than people realise. The daughter probably feels the same. Can anyone imagine living again with their parents no matter how much they love them? My advice is some honesty with each other and then do things outside the household routine with each other that you will enjoy more. Genuinely not sure I believe everyone enjoys this golden last opportunity time with adult children, the dynamics are completely different they are adults