Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

[MadeAMessOfParenting]

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

It's not projection ffs. Ofwarren is simply pointing out (as several of us have) that sometimes the more obvious difficulties of one child mean that the other's difficulties go completely unseen. This is actually common in families where several people have neurodiversity. The squeaky wheel gets the grease as the old saying goes.

Eg in my family one of my siblings had the classic disruptive impulsive ADHD behaviours. Drugs, abusive relationships, massive conflict at home. The other two of us were more inattentive with better channelled hyperactivity and hyperfocus so lots of extracurricular stuff and mad last minute exam cramming.

This was back before anyone really knew about adhd. If you had to label one person with adhd you would pick the disruptor. Actually, all three of us meet the diagnostic criteria which wasn't surprising given my dad does too.

So it is perfectly possible to miss the less obvious, more internalised presentation.

I think autistic people project a lot, they just don't easily pick themselves up on it.

She means that you are taking your own situation and assuming that this situation is the same.

Of course it might be, or might not be. But practically speaking it's not really something the OP can do much about at this point, her son is an adult and needs to take responsibility for himself including his medical care.

The scrambling to diagnose him as autistic is annoying too, as if he couldn't just be lazy and entitled.
Also, he is 20. It isn't up to OP to sort out his medical care - if he suspects he may have ASD or ADHD and actually WANTS a diagnosis, he can sort that k

I posted too soon - if he wants a diagnosis, he can sort one out himself by contacting his GP.

if he suspects he may have ASD or ADHD and actually WANTS a diagnosis, he can sort that

I suspect that many people who probably need a diagnosis of autism/ADHD/other condition aren't aware that they do.

I don't know enough of these conditions to know whether the OP's son has any of these or whether it is pure addiction or entitled laziness.

Just because I think people need to read the other thread too

Not read tft but has he ever been assessed for adhd OP?

Also some Internet providers can. Block Internet gaming. Sky definitely does if you log on in settings.
Stop doing anything for him.
Removed the pc

Not every behaviour is related to ASD or ADHD.
Screen addiction is a problem of its own, a very unrecognised one unfortunately.
Let him go cold turkey.
Far too many DC and adults are strung out on screen addiction.

Just because I think people need to read the other thread too.
Wow. There really is 3 sides to every story.
I take back the adhd comment.
The poor lad.

Having actually read all the op's posts on the other thread, I think the summary given by a pp above is actually a bit biased in its judgement.

The op hasn't at any point said that she or her husband have hurt, injured or been emotionally or verbally abusive to her son.

Her behaviour may have been far from ideal at times, but he doesn't seem to have come to any harm. Quite the opposite.

And as someone who is ND, as well as being someone who dealt with serious health issues throughout secondary schooling and with plenty of experience mental health issues too, I'm struggling to find much to excuse her son's behaviour.

@MadeAMessOfParenting the fact is, he's an adult now there's only so much he can do. At some point he needs to take responsibility for himself.

Re his degree - leave him to it. If he fails, he fails. At this point I think you've done everything you can.

He needs to start living with respect for everyone else in the house and that means keeping the noise down, joining for meals etc.

Once he's no longer in education - and during vacations - he must get a job. That's not being abusive, it's parenting. Kicking him out is extreme and I can't advocate it but inspite of his age, if you've paid for his gaming equipment then I think you're within your rights to remove it until he starts pulling his weight. Just don't keep it in the house.

He'll either move out or stay and get a job or return to education.

If he wants to move to halls to complete his degree, then fine - he'll have to live off his maintenance loan. He'll get a new installment in September, don't take any for living costs. It won't cover his whole year, they never do, so he'll have to get a job to help himself.

I don't think its bad parenting to do this. He's an adult, not 16. If you can't afford to supplement his loan then you can't afford to and he'll have to find his way through like the rest of us.

I don't blame the op for tipping water on him (as per the other thread). She should have squirted soap on him as well and given him a good scrub.

This needs tough love. I had a friend who finally had to drive her lazy, failing DS to a homeless hostel & leave him to it. That young man (some 6 years later) has finished a degree at a top uni & has an excellent job. That was his third attempt to finish a degree.
You are putting up with way too much. Let him sofa-surf with friends for awhile til he finds work. He is toxic living in your house.
These arm chair “diagnosis” are ridiculous. So what? He is able bodied & intelligent, he can work.