Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

[MadeAMessOfParenting]

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

Couldn't you just change your wifi password and refuse to give it him?

They will have details for a paid scheme for this. The student pays about £30-50 pm and a specialist company will guarantor. He can ask the uni housing office about this.

He hasn't managed to get himself a new Ethernet cable? Have I got that right? Because they're not expensive and a lot of people have spares so that means he hasn't even texted round his mates for assistance?
Or have I got the wrong end of the stick somehow?

Wow what a parent you are if he has got into the second year at uni he got the grades required, you should replace his cable as it was his cable you made him replace the bike same thing, all you do is change the WiFi password to turn Internet off at a set time ie 1am which you could have easily done without destroying his property he will never be able to pay for uni halls on a part time minimum wage job and pay all bills required, telling him to drop out of uni is also the shittest thing to do by all mean from next loan charge him half his loan or whatever and if he does not pay it he has to leave

@Fenella123 they can be as he would need a long one to reach think my dhs was £50 to help protect his pc

His life is a disaster and he won't change anything without tough love.

Some people are so harsh. He’s a 20 year old student with no life experience and no real friends by the sound of things.

We have just come through a socially isolating pandemic that has messed with our mental health and social skills. He has also not been given the opportunity to meet new people / live with his peers.

So many people will say oh but by the time I was 19 i had two kids and a full time job so no excuse….but this isn’t the case for your boy who sounds like a typical student….so seriously give him a break and stop assuming he’s going to end up a 40 year old screw up still living at home!!

Be kind, pay for his accommodation,
let him game, show him you’ll trust him
and be his guarantor ….worst that happens is you’re back at square one a few months down the line but maybe a gentle push in the right direction and showing him you trust and support him will help turn things around! Even if it takes a couple of years.

I would have the Wi-Fi cut off completely (unless you need it for work) and just get unlimited data on your phone package for your own use. It will feel harsh but he needs to start getting his life sorted before the gaming habit really takes hold. He'll thank you for it when he's mature enough to realise he could easily have ended up wasting his life. That's the only thing I can think of that might spark some action from him and open his eyes to the fact that he has to work for what he wants in life.

This must all have started to go wrong years ago op.

Why did he ever have a computer in his bedroom? What were the bed time/device rules at 12, 13, 14?
Who bought the gaming computer?
When did his social circle decrease?
When did his hygiene start to deteriorate?
Rather than cut the ethernet cable couldn't you have got someone to help disable the Internet gateway?

It sounds as though there may be some neuro-diversity going on and it would be helpful to persuade him to get some external help. There is something deeply worrying about the lack of enthusiasm to get a job of any sort and if you are in the SE, right now there are more jibs than people. Is he socially well adjusted?

Perhaps the best thing is if he does get kicked out of uni? I certainly don't think sending him to live in halls is the answer. I think he just has to sink to skint bottom - fed cheap food, no treats, until he gets his backside in gear, gets a job and has to discipline himself to keep regular hours.

OP this sounds a pattern of behaviour I recognise! There is hope.

My DS was becoming online dependent (and very loud). He was mostly nocturnal and usually irritable when seen in daylight. Chores were ignored. Applying for jobs - always tomorrow. Dropped out of uni. He wasn't happy - but nothing suggested would change things and turn his life around again.

My interventions were not the turning point but turn he did.

He read Jordan Peterson (the lobster guy) - not something I'd choose (which might have been one of its attractions) and really changed.

I am most obliged to this man even if I have to disagree with his theories !

The first sign was the arrival of a parcel of coat hangers ordered online. DS went through his things - ordered everything - shaved differently and stood taller. He applied for a job - got it -saved- worked out and ate well- and went back to uni (leaving his gaming computer behind for the first year because he thought it would be too distracting) - found an off-line girlfriend - took up a sporting hobby with her...

He (or the amazing lobster who took his place in our family) is graduating this summer and is back to the intelligent-funny-kind lad he always used to be.

YABU, why take your DS on holiday if he doesn’t want to be there, total waste of time and money, most 20 year olds aren’t interested in holidays with parents anymore. He sounds very lazy and immature, but I don’t think you should have cut his cable, can’t see how that is going to help the relationship with your DS.

I would not have cut the cable. Waste of perfectly good expensive cable. Taken it and hidden it, possibly. Changed the WiFi password.

As pp said you could offer home accommodation without WiFi.

It sounds as though he has a very debilitating addiction and probably other mental health issues.

I appreciate that his problems are also debilitating for you and the rest of the family.

I wish I knew the answer. Sometimes I think you just have to kick them out, illness or no illness. I do feel bad for that generation though as the screen addiction thing is horrendous. So many adults struggle to manage their screen time that it is not surprising our children do too. He has grown up in historically the worst patch for this.

I only cut it today @Fenella123 . He has no money. I have told him if another appears I’ll cut it too. His mates would probably give him one. They all actually clubbed together to get him the PC (custom built, cost £900) 2 years ago. They all had jobs, he didn’t, I wouldn’t buy one for him so they took pity on him. I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t embarrassed! They’re not online mates, he’s known them since school. He went away with them for a few days recently and they paid for his food after he pissed away his Uni loan.

He had had a part time evening job (1st job) but was let go (by mutual agreement according to him) as he couldn’t get up so didn’t turn up. He started at 6pm! I had been waking him at first but stopped. He was supposed to be saving up for a PC from that but spent all his money online too.

He’s missed two driving theory tests as he was asleep. He also missed retaking his English GCSE as he was asleep. His first day of Uni, his Dad found him asleep in his gaming chair and he would have missed his train if he hadn’t checked why he hadn’t left!

We have other 3 DC at home including his disabled twin brother who through no fault of his own has no education or training provision and I’ve been fighting for a year to get him one. Been waiting for a SEND Tribunal since February which has just been postponed until December! Even he isn’t in bed all day, helps with chores, wants to be doing something.

DS1 has a place at the top Uni in the UK for his subject but can’t be bothered to go! Some of the students in his college class didn’t get a place there. Uni totally his choice. I didn’t want him to go as I knew he’d be like this but had to support him! Thought he might grow up in a few years and should go then.

We don’t have spare cash to pay his £1k a month London accommodation! We live an hour away. I have been DS2’s carer, had to give up my career, and only just started working again last year as managed to get a WFH job as need to to be around for him.

His Dad works 12-14 hour days in a physically demanding job in his mid 50’s. We have fit and able adult DS1 laying in bed all day and waking us up during the night when he’s swearing about being killed in a bloody game!

Fucking hell, some people on here would molly coddle their adult child and they would some day wake up to a 40yo still living at home. Your son needs a very harsh kick of reality. He's taking the absolute piss.

Learn how to Filter WiFi by device and then make him earn it /limit it. Everyone I know that parents teens uses this.

Sorry I haven't read the full thread op, but how much was his grant he got in April?
It made me laugh when you said you cut his cable. It's not the end of the world, he can replace it if he wants to.
Do you know what he spent his money on?

This sounds dreadfully difficult for you and your DH op. You are not alone as Covid has wreaked havoc with this generation of young adults.

I think I would be encouraging him in to halls and find some way of guaranteeing this. His peers will not tolerate his behaviour as much as loved ones will and he needs the corners knocked off a bit eg he needs to feel less comfortable and take responsibility for himself. Living at home makes this more difficult not less. And part of his problem is isolation. Living in shared accommodation will hopefully make it less easy to avoid social interaction and he will have to compare himself to others without you and your comfortable home to hide behind.

I totally understand why you took him on holiday as you thought that a change of location might jolt him in to action but it shows the strength of hold that this addiction has over him that being in a different country didn't make any difference. I feel really sorry for you that a trip of a lifetime was ruined by your sons behaviour.

I think, in the nicest possible way, you and your DH need to toughen up a bit for your son's sake and not feel guilty. I would tackle this from the angle of " I love you too much to allow you to wallow away in your bedroom, so this is stopping now.. I know that deep inside you know you can do better too and that you want to make more of yourself and I believe in you even if you don't currently". Don't engage in arguments, just draw a firm line in the sand. If at all possible I would try and fund say 12-20 sessions with a licensed psychologist or student counsellor and then make clear he is on his own. It's hell but you have to harden your heart at this stage for his own good.

You are doing your very best I know but you are too involved in the minutiae of his life at twenty. If he lies in bed and doesn't mow the lawn as promised that's his choice. It's not your role to go and chase him but he doesn't get to live at home and do nothing. Choices have consequences. He is sending you a message loud and clear: don't want to go on holiday with parents, don't want to work at uni, don't want to earn, don't want to manage my budget, don't want to seek treatment or help, don't want to take responsibility for self. And what is your reply going to be op?

This is going to sound harsh but if he is depressed or addicted or simply lazy... the upshot is the same ...he needs to take more responsibility for himself. Give him a September deadline then all funds will be cut off and he will need to move out, find his own shared accommodation and get a job. You will give him the support of a psych for a limited time, the deposit, and first month's costs, and after that, no more. Keep strong op. Stick to your guns.

Is he playing world of Warcraft op?

its incredibly addictive to the point I think someone died because they didn’t stop to sleep.

gaming addiction is awful.

I agree with this.

I lived on my own from the age of 18 and really struggled. I wasn't ready to 'adult' until my mid 20's but was forced into living alone with no family support. Sadly, people took advantage of me and I started taking drugs which left me with a criminal record which really restricted what I could do for a career.

Some of us take a bit longer to mature than others and need extra support. He's so young still.

Having just read your update op I understand you can't fund the accommodation.

The not being able to get up for a 6 pm job and being asleep in his gaming chair on first day of uni is quite extreme behaviour. This is making me think he may need specialist help for his gaming addiction.

These are just a few addresses that popped up after googling gaming addiction uk. ( I have no specialist knowledge in this area):

www.cnwl.nhs.uk/national-centre-gaming-disorders

www.ukat.co.uk/addiction/behavioural/gaming/

www.itv.com/thismorning/articles/gaming-addiction-helplines

And that's very interesting about his mates clubbing together to buy him gaming equipment. That means they value him which is a good sign. Perhaps they recognise he is in difficulty and want to help?

Or alternatively, could his gaming become his career do you think? Is he good at it? Could he switch uni courses?

Do you think this could all a massive rebellion on his part, perhaps an unconscious one perhaps, to get you and his dad to focus on him and worry about him for a while? Giving up all responsibility does have the consequence of you stepping in. This would not be an unheard of reaction in a young person growing up with a sibling with special needs? Maybe?

If you treat an adult like a child why are you expecting them to behave like an adult. Your behaviour is unreasonable you could inform him of a move out date if you cant manage living together but high criticism will not help.

We have other 3 DC at home including his disabled twin brother who through no fault of his own has no education or training provision and I’ve been fighting for a year to get him one.

You say you have fought for a year for your disabled son which must be an extremely hard thing to have to do. Perhaps his twin is subconsciously asking you to fight for him now too? He is almost "disabling himself" (if you will please excuse the term) by gaming so much.

This is all armchair pyschilogy on my part but maybe he needs somehow to go through this rebellion and you don't need to do anything for him except facilitate help with his addiction , support him, take notice of him, worry about him, be driven mad by him and by just "being there" and sticking with him op, he will come through the other side on his own?

I don't think suggestions he should carry on with university are very sensible. If they'd even keep him, he is just digging a hole and getting himself more into debt. He can't study when he is up all night gaming and sleeping all day, and there is zero indication he intends to do otherwise. At this point he's using it as an excuse not to work at a job.

He needs to get a job pronto and live someone else.

The idea is that parents make up the portion of the maintenance loan that the student isn't entitled to.
If you had done this and he had moved into halls at a uni, he would likely have made friends and engaged with the University experience. Living at home has kept him isolated from his new peers and new social opportunities. University gives most young people independence and the chance t o gly the nest.By refusing to act as guarantor ( which nearly every parent does) you are keeping him trapped
I think living at home with his parents and disabled sibling must be pretty grim fir a lad of 20, and the gaming is what keeps him going