Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

[MadeAMessOfParenting]

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

I know!

All these posters castigating OP for cutting his bloody cable!

That she deserves for him to chuck her into a shitty home when she’s younger really need to get a grip!

never mind the fact that he is relying on her to feed him and clothe him and put a roof over his head all for free - she cut up his cable, what terrible behaviour !! Wah wah

Lots of kids live in halls and just game all night and sleep all day there. I've seen more than one young man blow all his money and any chance at even moderate academic success that way. In some ways it's easier as no one will try and stop them.

OP this may be helpful to you: www.gamingaddictionrehab.co.uk/

It's clear from ur update even if ur son has undiagnosed adhd or asd u will not investigate , I'm nearly 40 and undiagnosed even thou I've struggled whole life including childhood , so UBVU and I actually feel for ur son

She says why in her post - they thought that being in his room all the time was affecting him and getting out somewhere different might get him out of his rut.

I think this is very unfair. She's lived with him for 20 years. She understands about ND symptoms from her other son and she says he's NT. His school think he's NT too. But obviously people who gave never met him know better than her or the school.

She's discussed him going to the gp on several occasions and he refuses. She can't make a 20yo man go. And even if she did drag him there, if he doesn't want to engage in the process, and he doesn't, then no diagnosis is ever going to be made.

Why would you feel sorry for a man who is mooching off his parents and his friends, and who thinks its OK to not wash or clean his teeth, to rage at other other family members and not leave the house unless it's enjoy himself with friends, but won't leave the house to get a job to pay for himself and his hobby? Were your parents happy when you behaved like that at 20?

Yes, this.

People don't seem to take gaming addiction seriously. It's essentially the same as gambling addiction - gambling where people spend away their life savings, lose their jobs and marriages, where you get people sitting at slot machines wearing adult diapers.

The addiction probably does mimic a lot of the symptoms of these other things, but also it changes the brain.

I've a friend whose son has struggled with this. He did ok for a while but has slipped back since covid kept him in. He's as non-functional as many alcoholics or opiate addicts.

I don't know any addicts who really recovered while being enabled. Supported, possibly, but not enabled. And the ones I know best who recovered did so because their spouses kicked them out and they realized they could not function. I'm talking about total and long term recovery from significant alcoholism.

My older brother is severely autistic and my mum never noticed high functioning autism in me. It happens.

Well she clearly doesn't understand adhd symptoms as she is blantently ignoring the obvious ones she says in her updates ! Adhd can completely present as lazy and uncaring , not cleaning teeth and washing is a ahdh symptom, poor executive functioning its literally what I struggle with, so u clearly don't know the symptoms either but can tell me I'm wrong! 🙄

I'm not telling you you're wrong, I'm saying that someone who has experience of special needs and has actually dealt with him might have a better idea of what going on than you. But even if he has got ADHD, if he won't go to the gp and engage, then there's not a lot the op can do.

Your son might just be a lazy selfish idiot but I'm reminded of someone I shared a house with at Uni who had some form of insomnia where he slept all day and was up all night... he failed his degree.

Even so he could get a night job. I think you're enabling him too much, you and DH need to draw up firm ground rules, he needs to get a job and start contributing. Ban the gaming, its your house or he moves out. I think going to uni would be a waste here as he isnt sufficiently self motivated.

My older brother is severely autistic and my mum never noticed high functioning autism in me. It happens.

But the op already has an autistic son, knows about autism, has spoken to the school about his behaviour, and neither her, his teachers who know about his brother nor her son believe he has autism.

To be entirely fair @MarshaMelrose dd became depressed and anxious at 15. Very high functioning, very well behaved. At its root was ADHD with autistic traits but not enough for a diagnosis. As soon as she was diagnosed it was like a light switching on as I looked back across her life. No teacher picked it up, CAMHS even laughed at me because 17 was too old for a diagnosis. We had to seek help for her through a private consultant psychiatrist.

It has been a long haul and she went far too down for an easy fix but at 24 has an Oxbridge degree and is teaching.

This thread is unbelievable. You can absolutely spot who is raising the abusive lazy men that will go from mummy to wife with staggering levels of entitlement.

Some of you should be ashamed of what you'll excuse. You wouldn't do it if OP had posted this about a daughter.

Easy.

get rid of the Internet WIFI whatever.

And watch

That's my exact point.
My mum already had an autistic son, knew about autism, had spoken to my school about my behaviour (selective mutism), and neither her, my teachers who knew about my brother believed I had autism.

Well it sounds like from the update the OP wouldn't even entertain the idea he could have adhd so won't be wanting to take him anyways wether he wold go or not

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4321200-I-want-to-kick-DS-out-TODAY-Totally-devastated-by-what-he-s-been-saying-about-us

Though this sounded familiar, you missed out the bit about poring water over him to wake him up and your husband assaulting him. You also seem to be reason he was unable to move out last year by not paying the parenial contributions (regardless of what you where doingat 18, this is an expectation and the finance availableto him takes this into accoun) AND taking half of his first maintenance loan, so to be honest I'm not surprised he's unhappy.

Whilst his life is clearly in a bad place right now, I can't help but feel he could have become an engaged happy student, if he'd been given the opportunity. I think he 100% does need to leave home, for his own sake as well as yours as the relationship between you sounds very toxic, but I think it's awful you're pressuring him to drop out, and unwilling be be a garentor on his halls.

He got a merit in his BTEC, so can't have dossed about as much as your suggesting, and if he wasn't doing uni work he wouldn't need pressuring to drop out, he would have failed his first year and been asked to leave by the uni. I don't know the particulars of his cause, but it is entirely possible they allow a large component of working online, especially in the wake of covid, so whats wrong with saving money and 2 hours on a train by streaming the lectures?

Oh my god 😳

I clicked YABU, because you actually rewarded all that laziness with an expensive holiday. At least he had the conviction to not enjoy it.

You should have put him out a long time ago, as all his parents seem to so is rant, with no actual consequences for his actions/inaction.

Just put him out, or you'll blink and there's still a 40yr old sponger making your lives miserable.

This ^
Youve given him lots of chances, you’ve tried to help. He’s an adult, time he stood on his own two feet. Give him notice to leave.

The link to the other thread is very illuminating. I actually feel upset for your son. I'm sure in your head you're doing your best. But my God.

I don't. I feel sorry for the rest of the family. It is obvious that the OP is at the end of her tether.

@ofwarren

stop projecting

What does that even mean?
You are talking to an autistic person. I've no fucking idea HOW to project!