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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

289 replies

MadeAMessOfParenting · 03/07/2022 00:04

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mam0918 · 03/07/2022 13:01

He is right though... you have NO right to distroy his property.

You have TWO choice:

  1. continue as your are or
  2. throw him out and let him spread his wings (this is the one I personally think you should choose)

You have no option to commit criminal damage though and stamping your feet making demanads and ultimatums means nothing.

Tigertigertigertiger · 03/07/2022 13:01

OP , as things stand. , your son has not been able to game on his PC for - what , a day or so ? ( well done for disabling it )

how has he reacted to this ? Has he slept at night ? Has he transferred all his energy / attention to his phone ? You might need to remove that too.

I really feel for you.

ofwarren · 03/07/2022 13:03

Tigertigertigertiger · 03/07/2022 13:01

OP , as things stand. , your son has not been able to game on his PC for - what , a day or so ? ( well done for disabling it )

how has he reacted to this ? Has he slept at night ? Has he transferred all his energy / attention to his phone ? You might need to remove that too.

I really feel for you.

Remove his phone? At 20 years old?

Tigertigertigertiger · 03/07/2022 13:06

those of you insisting either ASD or ADHD , let’s say it did apply , if he got a diagnosis/help how would that make a difference to the current problem ?

genuine question , thanks

Tigertigertigertiger · 03/07/2022 13:07

ofwarren · 03/07/2022 13:03

Remove his phone? At 20 years old?

Show quote history

yes , if he has transferred his all night online addiction to his phone

Original poster
MadeAMessOfParenting · 03/07/2022 13:10

Christ, even if I had had him assessed (there was no grounds) earlier, I bet the responses would have been that he needed to be reassessed!

I’ve just told him to ask for an assessment and he said ‘no way, why would I’?’.

As for ‘significant difficulties’ being missed as all focus was on DS2, utter bullshit! DH especially spent a lot of time 1:1 with him so he didn’t feel left out. We made concerted efforts to make sure he was not forgotten. We’re not idiots. Well aware that being a twin and one having challenges made things more difficult for him.

Oldest DD managed with having twin brothers, one with a disability and behavioural issues when younger, and another younger brother. She could also have undiagnosed ASD or ADHD as she really struggled in school and college especially socially. She still went to Uni, held down a job and didn’t spend all day laying in bed.

OP posts:
Libre55 · 03/07/2022 13:11

Change Wi-Fi password, and also cancel his phone contract (that I presume you are paying for?)

SquirrelSoShiny · 03/07/2022 13:19

Tigertigertigertiger · 03/07/2022 13:06

those of you insisting either ASD or ADHD , let’s say it did apply , if he got a diagnosis/help how would that make a difference to the current problem ?

genuine question , thanks

It helps because there are effective strategies/ psychoeducation / therapy / coaching / medication all of which can significantly impact outcomes. They can also help ND people find strategies that actually work rather than trying to follow NT strategies then feeling like a massive failure all the time. This takes a real toll on self esteem over time which contributes to poorer mental health and addictive behaviours.

I often wonder how different my life might have been if I had been diagnosed at 20.

Onceuponatimethen · 03/07/2022 13:35

Medication also so so relevant op. My ds is still his wonderful self but so many of his difficulties have been resolved with medication.

Onceuponatimethen · 03/07/2022 13:35

ADHD meds.

It’s also very common for young adults with ASD not to want to be assessed.

MattoMatto · 03/07/2022 13:37

You have my sympathies, op. I’ve watched my parents struggle with my brother over the years (coming up to 40 now) and the various strategies they’ve tried. None have worked and I strongly believe the only thing they can control is whether he lives with them.

I’d bet my house that he has one of autism, depression, addiction, severe OCD, hoarding, ADHD, a personality disorder, and would be very surprised if it’s not more than one. However, he has refused to see a professional to access support or even put a name to his problems. Years ago he did see someone for a few sessions and lied about what was going on. This is what I find very hard to forgive.

Cutting a cable is nothing, and I suspect posters picking you up on this have no experience of this in the family. My brother has made my parents scared in their own at times and also made it smell so awful that I won’t stay any longer. He’s trashed everything he’s been given in attempts to help or improve his quality of life, which reminded me of your holiday. I’m very sorry, and my advice to you is the same as to my own parents - if he can’t behave, he’ll need to leave.

justfiveminutes · 03/07/2022 13:42

"I’ve just told him to ask for an assessment and he said ‘no way, why would I’?’"

Because he's either ND and needs support and adjustments to help him succeed, or he's a lazy charmless waster who's spectacularly burning bridges and self-sabotaging his own life.

My friend has just been through this with her own son, flagged at university. She made the appointment for the assessment for him and went with him.

IrisVersicolor · 03/07/2022 13:43

Given the special needs of the other twin I think I think it’s unlikely to have been missed in DS. Even in the unlikely circumstance that it was he is now 20 so the road towards diagnosis is up to him.

I don’t think some posters realise how common this behaviour is now: is fairly standard gaming addiction + entitlement.

TigerRag · 03/07/2022 13:44

SquirrelSoShiny · 03/07/2022 13:19

It helps because there are effective strategies/ psychoeducation / therapy / coaching / medication all of which can significantly impact outcomes. They can also help ND people find strategies that actually work rather than trying to follow NT strategies then feeling like a massive failure all the time. This takes a real toll on self esteem over time which contributes to poorer mental health and addictive behaviours.

I often wonder how different my life might have been if I had been diagnosed at 20.

Show quote history

You're assuming that he wants help. It doesn't sound like it

Bollindger · 03/07/2022 13:45

It is very easy to lo. on to your Wifi router and block anyone, even just one item of tech. Youtube will talk you through how to do this, you can even block it for certain times, this way even if he gets a new cable, it's won't work.

IrisVersicolor · 03/07/2022 13:45

SquirrelSoShiny · 03/07/2022 13:19

It helps because there are effective strategies/ psychoeducation / therapy / coaching / medication all of which can significantly impact outcomes. They can also help ND people find strategies that actually work rather than trying to follow NT strategies then feeling like a massive failure all the time. This takes a real toll on self esteem over time which contributes to poorer mental health and addictive behaviours.

I often wonder how different my life might have been if I had been diagnosed at 20.

Show quote history

Only effective if people engage with them, and cost a lot of money.

BogRollBOGOF · 03/07/2022 13:53

I rocked up to the GP and got referred due to suspecting my DS1 was neurodiverse, and he was. School don't see it because he masks and it's unleashed at home or in unusual places.

It is very likely from his family background and behaviour that he could be neurodiverse and assessment would be worthwhile. Universities also tend to have good learning/ mental support services so that's another approach to take. It's also insurance if he does struggle to keep up with the course and there are underlying mitigating reasons.

Being neurodiverse isn't a free pass to behave in this way, but struggling to understand how you fit in society is a reason why people blunder down this path and struggle to find a way out.

DS is a lot younger, and getting his diagnosis at 9 has helped in understanding his motivation, understanding what triggers him to be overwhelmed. Diagnosis doesn't solve our issues, but it helps us to pick an appropriate path and work out motivations.

Ultimately at 20, he needs to consent to any kinds of referal/ investigation/ support, but if you can have sensible conversations about the possibility that this is a stress response and not morally weak, malicious behaviour, he may possibly find that a relief. Understanding the root of the behaviour makes it easier to avoid reverting back to it too.

Not that any of that is an immediate solution anyway.

You need to meet his needs, and draw up boundaries distinguishing his wants from those needs. Letting this situation limp on is not helping anyone involved and it's clearly stressful to all.

Hadtochangeitforthis · 03/07/2022 13:57

Tigertigertigertiger · 03/07/2022 13:06

those of you insisting either ASD or ADHD , let’s say it did apply , if he got a diagnosis/help how would that make a difference to the current problem ?

genuine question , thanks

Oh all sorts, Medication can help, for sleep also, lots of comorbidities to explore, tailored therapy to help with day to day life, support groups to access, allowances made at uni for exams, submissions etc. also research shows increase in gaming addiction for those with adhd so simply cutting ones wire might not be appropriate and lastly, some understanding from his mother…

IrisVersicolor · 03/07/2022 13:58

BogRollBOGOF · 03/07/2022 13:53

I rocked up to the GP and got referred due to suspecting my DS1 was neurodiverse, and he was. School don't see it because he masks and it's unleashed at home or in unusual places.

It is very likely from his family background and behaviour that he could be neurodiverse and assessment would be worthwhile. Universities also tend to have good learning/ mental support services so that's another approach to take. It's also insurance if he does struggle to keep up with the course and there are underlying mitigating reasons.

Being neurodiverse isn't a free pass to behave in this way, but struggling to understand how you fit in society is a reason why people blunder down this path and struggle to find a way out.

DS is a lot younger, and getting his diagnosis at 9 has helped in understanding his motivation, understanding what triggers him to be overwhelmed. Diagnosis doesn't solve our issues, but it helps us to pick an appropriate path and work out motivations.

Ultimately at 20, he needs to consent to any kinds of referal/ investigation/ support, but if you can have sensible conversations about the possibility that this is a stress response and not morally weak, malicious behaviour, he may possibly find that a relief. Understanding the root of the behaviour makes it easier to avoid reverting back to it too.

Not that any of that is an immediate solution anyway.

You need to meet his needs, and draw up boundaries distinguishing his wants from those needs. Letting this situation limp on is not helping anyone involved and it's clearly stressful to all.

Alternatively, my sister had one of her sons tested because she thought he could be neurodiverse. She did psychology at uni and was well versed in the diagnostic criteria, in addition she read up very thoroughly. He’s not though - while he has key traits that could be ASD, he’s just very, very sensitive and rather temperamental.

WonderingWanda · 03/07/2022 14:16

Op if you couldn't fix it when he was 16 and doing his gcses then you're not going to fix it now.

I don't think you are unreasonable to refuse to act as guarantor. It must be very hard to see your child on a self desteuct path like this.

All you can do is have a long hard think about what your boundaries are (pay rent, do chores, not make noise after x hours) and if your son can't manage to start meeting some of those basic expectations then it might be best to kick him out. This would force the issue one way or the other, he sounds addicted and depressed to me but some others have suggested it could be some sort of neurodiversity, it could be a personality disorder, other mental health issue. It could be all sorts really but it sounds like it's more than usual laziness. By letting him stay and putting up with it you are not forcing him to acknowledge that he is unable to function in society. If he has to go it alone it is likely whatever problems he is encountering will escalate and that will be hard to watch, could result in debt, being kicked off his course and so on but you can't supporting him fixing his problems it until he figures it out.

goldfinchonthelawn · 03/07/2022 14:22

Tigertigertigertiger · 03/07/2022 13:06

those of you insisting either ASD or ADHD , let’s say it did apply , if he got a diagnosis/help how would that make a difference to the current problem ?

genuine question , thanks

One thing that ADHD medicine can do is help with impulsive/compulsive behaviour, so he might find it easier to stay off the gaming in order to get uni work done. He might find it easier to focus. He might have fewer tantrums.

If he's found to have ASD, then OP might need an entirely different approach with him. DS2 has ASD. He is adorable, easy going, loving but wow is he sure his way is the only way, his attitude is correct and doesn't need to be considered in light of alternative suggestions etc/ Amd he is super sensitive to criticism. All the defenses go up. I do have to think about how I tackle any issue with him, rather than speak as I would to DS1.

lljkk · 03/07/2022 14:23

MEGA YADNBU.
He needs to move out to have a chance to restore your relationship. I'd go with that line like religion, in interactions with him. If his buddies crowd-funded to get his computer, then they will find a sofa he can camp on.

Sorry you're going thru this.
We all make a mess of parenting, btw!

Littleorangeflowers · 03/07/2022 14:29

Bravo for cutting the wire.

He can have access to WiFi, I'd even buy him a new wire, when he starts paying his way and stops slobbing about all night playing video games and talking shit with his mates.

Nip this in the bud now. Yanbu.

Becclescake · 03/07/2022 14:46

StepAwayFromGoogling · 03/07/2022 00:52

Of course YANBU. FFS. IDIOT posters saying you shouldn't have cut his cable. He'll have to get off his lazy arse and get a job to buy a new cable, won't he? I imagine it was your money that bought the first one? It sounds like you've done as much else as you can short of chucking him out on the street. He's 20, not 15!

100% this!

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