Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

[MadeAMessOfParenting]

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

If you can't change his behaviour you can certainly change your reaction to it. I would stop cooking, washing his clothes and providing any type of support. I suspect he'll fail his uni course due to his non attendance, if he does, don't try and help him. You've been too supportive with time and money, let him reach rock bottom.
It's the 40th anniversary of the Falklands War this year, I read an account of an 18 year old sailor who served on one of the bombed warships. The things he saw and dealt with at 18 made me cry. Your son can't even get out of bed.
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Let's hope he remembers all the good things his parents did for him and how badly he treated them. Such a silly thing to say.

That gaming pc would have been thrown in the nearest river by now op, no you were not harsh cutting the cable imo

He's needs to get a grip, the only reason he's not trying is because he knows you'll bail him out time and time again

You need to show him it stops now, it's like going back to toddler years and teaching consequences

I agree with the sentiment here.

You are responsible for this to a large degree OP. He won't have the life skills of a DC that has not been stuck in a darkened room in front of a screen for years.

Real life is alien to a section of society and this is as a result of others enabling that alienation.

I could have posted this@MadeAMessOfParenting and mine is now 23, having dropped out of Uni in third year. To add to my issues, I am a single woman maintaining him and my school aged daughter....as he has no income due to missing 'signing on' appointments. My son is filled with self-loathing at being a failure and has cut himself off from 'real life' people as he is so ashamed of himself. His only friends are online. I have no answers for you but understand completely your frustration and why you cut the ethernet cable! It's a hellish situation and I wonder if both my son and yours would benefit from counselling/medication for depression? Feel your frustration and worry!

The OP has mentioned caring for his twin disabled brother, it is not a jump to assume his twin brother could have autism or adhd and that means he could also and just presents differently!

I get what you are saying about the pandemic etc but gaming is an addiction and he won't improve without his parents disrupting his routine and making life uncomfortable for him until he starts taking some responsibility for himself.

There are students all over UK who had a terrible time starting uni during the pandemic. But they have emerged from the crisis, made friends, found jobs, joined societies and sports clubs. OP's DS could do any of these but he won't unless his existing lifestyle is made impossible for him to continue.

@Charlize43

and do what??

keep doing all his cooking and cleaning and washing and allow him to live with them forever rent-free loafing around their house being disrespectful and stinking the place out just in case he decides to be spiteful in their old age?!

Does cutting a sodding internet cable (which was done to try and help him) negate the fact that every single bloody day they feed him and provide him with a warm clean and safe home? That they don’t take any rent of him. If years down the line he remembers about the cable and forgets about all the stuff parents have done for him that says a lot more about him then it does them - that he is a nasty petty person

fuck that!

there really is a train of thought on mumsnet that you have to let your adult dc get away with bloody murder out of pure fear that they may treat you badly when you are old.

well if my DC were that way inclined frankly I wouldn’t want them in my life when I was old and vulnerable - I’d be ashamed of them.

There's always someone who will criticise the OP despite everything she's dealing with. Sort out your internalised misogyny.

Have you said all his directly to him?

Ask him how it feels to see his parents working their arses off for the family while he is bone idle, dirty and contributes nothing.

It is likely that the OP’s son is in some way neurodivergent but this doesn’t give him the right to behave as he has been doing.

OP, is clearly at the end of her tether and from an outsider it does all seem to be a giant mess.

The GP is a good place to start as is student welfare. It may be OP has to set the meetings up and accompany DS to make them happen but this really should be happening before next term of uni.

A PP suggested, having a talk which is neutral, not blaming, not arguing but laying out the problem with DS and getting him to face that this situation cannot go on needs to be done. See what solutions he has.

Finally, every poster saying 20 is so young really need to get a grip. At 20 you are an adult, can go to prison, drive a car, vote etc. etc. He is a man, not a boy, and needs to take ownership for his choices. All actions have consequences and I think part of the issue here is that the DS hasn’t really faced any.

FWIW, I think some tough love, some support and some advice from experts are needed here but this situation is untenable.

It sounds like you're still treating him like a child rather than an adult. It's not right of you to destroy his stuff, but you can limit his access to your stuff (ie WiFi). Just turn it off at night, or change the password.

Why are you taking him on holiday? Especially when he doesn't want to go? Next time leave him at home (he'd probably have quite a nice time on his own with unlimited WiFi).

Personally, I wouldn't kick him out; it sounds like he needs support and would flounder in his own, but I'd sit him down and explain that you're not going to fund him - you'll feed him the basics (ie exactly what you eat, no snacks etc) and maybe provide toiletries and basic clothes, but if he wants anything fancy he needs to get a job and earn it himself.

On another note - has he ever had counselling regarding his twin? I have a friend who was one of twins; her brother had been starved of oxygen at birth and was quite severely disabled. She always felt guilty that she was fine and he had so many difficulties. Might your son be feeling that way and just be a bit "stuck" in his feelings?

😂😂

Really?? OP clearly has tried lots of ways to sort him out and cutting the cable was a last resort although I suppose she could just sit back and take her son treating the place as a free hotel

If I was @MadeAMessOfParenting I'd be in a screaming rage at him, and I don't think cutting his Ethernet cable would have been the only thing I'd have done! If he doesn't like it, he can leave home and start paying for his own stuff.

I'm going through similar with my 19DS. He is super intelligent but has been kicked out of first year of university for non-attendance and no work.

He is unable to "adult" - he is at rock bottom. He has so much potential but seems to fuck it up every time. Gaming through the night in halls almost certainly was a factor. Procrastination, unable to see consequences of inaction, lack of awareness. Will buy this book too and see if it helps.

Having your son at home and not in halls probably was a big factor in why your son passed first year so well done to you. It's so frustrating isn't it. My son is lovely, polite, popular, funny and talented but completely useless unless someone pushes him constantly or holds his hand through every process. Unfortunately he hides his problems until they are too far along to pull back from. He's lost his uni place, his girlfriend, didn't fill in a simple form to withdraw from halls and give key back which has added another £2,200 to his debts and is being chased by debt recovery people from halls and SLC. He's overwhelmed daily and I'm always trying to fix things but too late.

He's genuinely bewildered by the world and mostly in a state of anxiety all the time. Am trying to get GP help (again) but what can they do. I got him a job which he enjoys and is probably saving his mental health currently - can you apply for jobs on his behalf? I know it's a bit weird but I rang a few local tourist type bars and just kind of offered his services and said he was rubbish on phone. We wrote his CV and I physically took him to the bars and waited outside for him. They took him on and he is doing well. He wanted a job - but just couldn't get it independently. I wish you well.

Other posters have mentioned aspergers and adhd. He does, have traits and behaviours that indicate he may be on the spectrum somewhere.

For those saying he's a lazy toerag, yes he is. But there may be a reason beyond his control.

Please, as frustrating and soul destroying as it is, seek an assessment ASAP. My 45 Yr old cousin started like this at 13. He's not left the house since, and rarely in fact leaves his bedroom. It's no life for any of you.

I’m no psychologist but I have DCs w MH issues and there are a lot of issues here.
Do you think there’s neurodiversity because I had no idea that my DD was not neurotypical until she told me how she’d been masking all these years.

He prob is addicted to gaming, it could be a distraction from ‘real life’ and a way to interact w friends without having to go out. If you cut his cable then it’s his ‘lifeline’ cut, whatever you think of gaming (and yes the loudness is v annoying but you need to agree on some boundaries here together).

Not washing/day sleeping is also a signal to me he’s prob depressed or anxious. It’s a real red flag. He prob doesn’t want to admit it as MH can still be taboo.

My DD has also found it hard to get a uni job, it’s often through contacts as even though they say places are crying out for staff, they want experience or someone who has been recommended.

Can you sit down with him and talk like equals and come to some type of agreement? You don’t want him living like this and he probably doesn’t either but it’s the easy way out for him to not assume any responsibility.

That sounds difficult for you and your family. That's great that your son is doing ok at his job and I don't blame you for trying to help him out. Hopefully he will get better soon. Becoming an adult is scary, teens are bombarded with pressure and it's not surprising it's too much for some.

It was Petersons: '12 Rules for Life'

I didn't bribe DS to read it... almost forbade it in fact (for JP's anti-feminism).

Banned books always sell well :) and this was so much better than the ICEL stuff he had found online. He was certainly looking for something about being a man.

Sounds exactly like my relative who has autism.
I think there’s more going on with your son than laziness

When you said "He was furious we made him come too" is does rather sound like you are reaping the rewwards of infantalising him. Who on earth forces their 16 year old to go on holiday with them, let alone their 20 year old?

BUt yeah, he needs to stand on his own to feet, he is not going to benefit from further infantilisation.

So many people here who do not know the difference between wired and WiFi connections.
WiFi usually has a password, wired does not.
HTH.

Some routers can block devices - and only allow devices on a network. Regardless of wired or non wired.

Reading this with interest as relevant to DS.

Kick him out OP.
Tell him to leave and not come back.

Fuck me this is disgustingly disablist - why would living at home with parents and disabled sibling be any worse than living at home with a sibling without disabilities? Particularly as OP has said sibling actually contributes more to the family and is more pleasant to spend time around than DC1! Disabled people aren't a puunishment to their family you know!

All those saying if DC1 had been supported to live in halls he would be more socially engaged are ridiculous - I knew people who never came out of their rooms in uni and that was 15 years ago! Plus it's completely normal for people to live at home and go to uni nowadays - I know loads of people who did so. If DC is this unsociable now, with his family and friends he's grown up with within easy distance, why would he suddenly buck up and engage with random strangers? All living in halls would achieve is him accruing an extra 15 grand plus worth of debt over 3 years, plus OP losing money that could be much better spent on the rest of the family. Would you like to work all week just to throw your money down the drain?

I can see the point of the posters saying he probably has some sort of gaming addiction but OP can only help with that if he agrees he does, and agrees to engage in support to stop it. Otherwise the sharp shock of MAKING him leave home and get a job is probably the only thing that will get him off his computer.