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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

289 replies

MadeAMessOfParenting · 03/07/2022 00:04

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LoonyIdea · 03/07/2022 00:07

God what a ridiculous man child he is. I’m agog start the activity holiday! He needs a toe up his arse and experience the consequences of his behaviour.

Fere · 03/07/2022 00:07

How would you make it happen? Threats are all food but what next?

tunnocksreturns2019 · 03/07/2022 00:08

Is he doing any of his uni work? Sounds like he might be kicked off his course soon anyway. Sorry you are going through this.

CucumberCool · 03/07/2022 00:16

Sounds alot like my brother who is the same and living at home at the age of 39... nothing has changed in the last 20 years...

He ruined my parents retirement and I don't ever see him leaving.

He was diagnosed with aspergers many years ago and although 'high functioning' has always used it as an excuse.

I don't say this to worry you but I wish his cycle of 'no decent job, no money, no where to live, no confidence' would have been broken a long time ago for the good of everyone.

Can you stop him using the WiFi? Or maybe a way to turn it off at night? It can only be used during the day and while under your roof he has to stick to your rules and get a job and contribute?

waveyourpompoms · 03/07/2022 00:19

He’s right, you shouldn’t be damaging his property. He’s an adult and destroying other peoples things isn’t acceptable.

You also say you made him to go on the holiday and then were annoyed he acted like he didn’t want to be there? It obviously wasn’t fabulous to him.

If you want him to move out fair enough, but the way you have behaved here is unacceptable.

007DoubleOSeven · 03/07/2022 00:21

Yanbu and some may say you're not going far enough.

Sprogonthetyne · 03/07/2022 00:24

The bit about taking money from his student loan for the bike, and his friend telling him he was been exploited sounds familiar, did you post about it at ghe time?

5zeds · 03/07/2022 00:25

Don’t damage his property, but offer a room without WiFi. He will organise himself because gaming is what he likes.

MangyInseam · 03/07/2022 00:26

Gaming addiction is real and debilitating. You need to treat him like an addict, and that means not enabling him, it just allows him to keep doing what he is doing.

I would tell him he has three months and then he needs to leave.

He may not do what he needs to do but it is his choice.

UrricanesArdlyHeverAppen · 03/07/2022 00:27

Not harsh at all. He hasn’t had to deal with any consequences to his behaviour yet, so what incentive is there for him to change? It’s far better that he gets a very harsh shock now, while he’s still got a roof over his head, than in the future. God forbid, but what if something happened to you and your DH and you couldn’t take care of him? How would he have the skills to function by himself?

If you feed him, it’s beans on toast and a glass of water for every meal, which he needs to get out of his pit and prepare himself. If he doesn’t prepare it, he doesn’t eat it. Other than that, clear a shelf in the cupboard and a shelf in the fridge and tell him that he buys his own food now. Do not give him pocket money. Do not give him your WiFi password; he can have it once he starts paying his way. If he doesn’t start looking for a job then start bringing cardboard boxes home for him to pack his stuff in ready to move out. Put paint samples on the wall so he can see you’re planning on redecorating once he’s gone. Let him see you’re serious. Definitely do not take him on holiday.

User3568975431146 · 03/07/2022 00:31

Wow ain't you a charmer. Of course you shouldn't have cut his cable, it's his property. Well done on making a bad situation worse.

Original poster
MadeAMessOfParenting · 03/07/2022 00:38

Those saying I shouldn’t have cut his cable - what else do you suggest? He could just plug it back in again when we’re in bed and still stay up all night!

I’ve made him box up his PC and put it in the garage several times before but he’s used the excuse that he needed it for Uni work to get it back or he’s made an effort for a few days but it never lasts and he’s finished Uni for this year. Maybe seeing it sitting there but not being able to use it for gaming will focus his mind. He has a laptop but can’t use it for games.

Cable was plugged into my WiFi box which he doesn’t contribute to!

OP posts:
Eeksteek · 03/07/2022 00:40

On my router, I can limit wifi to devices on an individual basis. He definitely needs some incentives, and some help. But you can’t help an addict unless they want you to. Gaming makes people really disconnected, and there’s huge industry making it addictive, so I feel for him. But then, I don’t live with him. if he has no internet, he can’t game and you may start to see improvements. Can you get any advice by-proxy for him anywhere? Or support for you?

Choopi · 03/07/2022 00:42

Are you really going to throw him out on the street if he doesn't get a job?

Noonereallyinteresing · 03/07/2022 00:50

Well done for actually taking action.
You must be at such a loss.
I want to suggest paying for therapy to but you can't make him participate. Nothing to add except that you're doing a good job parenting and even opening yourself up to the trolls on here in order to help him.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 03/07/2022 00:52

Of course YANBU. FFS. IDIOT posters saying you shouldn't have cut his cable. He'll have to get off his lazy arse and get a job to buy a new cable, won't he? I imagine it was your money that bought the first one? It sounds like you've done as much else as you can short of chucking him out on the street. He's 20, not 15!

EmmiJay · 03/07/2022 00:56

Grief. He sounds like my uncle. He stayed in my nana's house until he became her carer, then until she died. Because she lived in an assisted flat set up, he couldn't stay and had to go stand on his own two feet. Only took him until he was 46yrs old to do it😐 (hint hint) and now he has his own flat, has a full time job and even gifts money on occasion. Still a bit grungy but y'know. Don't let your son start his life at 46! You've done everything you can but he needs the boot to do it himself. Cut him off!

EmmaH2022 · 03/07/2022 00:57

This is a really tough situation and seems quite common sadly. Mum has her friends in their 80s with adults living there in 40s and 50s and not even cooking or cleaning.

I understand why you cut the cable. It's your property isn't it, rather than his?

Why did you make him go on holiday - couldn't trust him alone in the house I'm guessing.

Agree with everything others say re he has to do his own cooking etc.

I know someone who dislodged their adult at 25, only by paying for a flatshare. Being out of the family home had to happen for them to see real life, even a paid for version was better than nothing, and they are adulting properly now.

If you can afford it, I wonder if it's worth paying for halls and ordering his food each week. Everything else, he has to fund.

Vikinga · 03/07/2022 00:58

Could he have something like adhd?

UrsulaBursula · 03/07/2022 00:59

YANBU

Your absolutely right to cut the cable. He sounds like a big baby and he needs to grow up!

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/07/2022 01:01

You should have kicked the useless lummox out years ago.

UrsulaBursula · 03/07/2022 01:03

It’s not even the fact that his still at home as like you have indicated; that’s not the problem. It’s that he is so embarrassing lazy and has no desire to do something with his life and grow up. YANBU

If things don’t change, I would tell him to start selling his gaming stuff to find money to save for a deposit on a flat/ flat share.

Hunderland · 03/07/2022 01:06

Some of your messages to him are inconsistent and that needs to change for him to take you seriously.

For example, you say he needs to move to halls but that you won't be a guarantor which he needs to move in there.

Agree with all the other PPs who say you need to take drastic action otherwise nothing will change.

Pumpkinjam · 03/07/2022 01:15

i don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I feel sorry for him because of covid etc and expensive accommodation he sounds like he’s missed out on the proper uni experience and hasn’t got many social skills so is living quite a lonely life playing games with friends online.

He wont grow up until he moves out and I think your expectations of him are high. When I was his age my parents paid my uni fees and accommodation and my student loan was for having fun. Granted I did work over the summer but it was again for fun spends….this was also the case for my peers.

Parents were also blissfully unaware of how much drinking, slacking off and skipping lectures that occurred.

He is missing out on all of that so I’d get him into halls asap or if he’s antisocial then perhaps a flatshare with an online buddy? Pay for him on proviso that he passes his uni courses….if not then it’s game over and he comes home and you treat him as a rent paying lodger.

Things are different now with more expensive fees so he should be getting some kind of job over summer and while he’s at home gentle encouragement about becoming an adult by doing own washing, cooking and cleaning up after himself.

I wouldn’t cut him off from gaming though as it’ll just turn him against you and make it harder for you to get through to him….plus it’s not really your business what he does as long as he’s passing his courses….as I say you would be none the wiser if he was in halls.

Id just aim to get him setup with living with some peers asap.

Marty13 · 03/07/2022 01:16

My brother is a carbon copy of your son. He's turning 30 this year. Still staying with our parents, never paid for anything - he has no money and can't be arsed to even get benefits, too much effort.

I think you're doing the right thing. In fact I think you should kick him out. It's what my parents should have done a long time ago.

By "kick him out" I don't necessarily mean leave him on the street and wash your hands of him. You can help him look for a flatshare within his means (I'm not in the UK but he may be entitled to minimal benefits ? If not give him a date by which he needs to leave and if he hasn't found a job by then make it really clear he'll be out in the street. And then follow through if you have to).

It's really hard when it's someone you love but being firm on this is the most loving thing you can do. My brother is wasting away his life online. My older brother and myself both have kids now, our own places, etc. But our younger brother has nothing to his name. When our parents die it'll be a harsh wake up call but by then he'll have finished to make himself utterly unemployable.

I recommand you do not let him stay at yours even if he pays rent. This safety net is just too easy for him to exploit as he doesn't need to pay his bills, wash his dishes, cook his own food, and he'll just pretend to look for a job for a few days until you're placated and go right back to his old habits. He needs to learn to take responsibility and to find out first hand what happens when he doesn't pay his bills on time. If he doesn't buy the food and budget appropriately he'll be hungry. If he doesn't pay his bills his internet will be cut off. If he doesn't wash his clothes he'll have to stink.

Sorry this is long, I'm just so frustrated and worried about my brother's situation. I've told my parents I won't have him at my place after they die. I refuse to enable him to game away the rest of his life, and I am just not washing his clothes and washing his dishes and paying for his cigarettes and food and everything else. The money I'd spend on him, I intend to spend on my children. He can get himself a job, or if his mental health won't allow then he can get some effing help rather than just let life happen without him.