Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

[MadeAMessOfParenting]

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

Also you do realise the chances of him finding somewhere to live is slim to none without a co sign he will never be able to get somewhere to live if you don't sign he will also not be able to afford such high rent down south, you also do not need to attend uni classes still atm for year 1 year 2 requires more attendance, sounds like you have it tough atm but also sound like all your energy and attention is on the twin who needs more care, while your son has went into the back ground and found his own way to cope though gaming,

I’d change the wifi password and would have done so a long time ago. I would then say a condition of being supported at home is a part time job and a contribution around the house, otherwise he can find his own place.

Gaming addiction is real and you need to treat it as such. He won’t just stop doing it. You need to engage a professional to help you navigate this but know that for it to really work, he needs to want to change too.

I sympathise deeply. When and how did it all start? What were your screen rules when he was younger? You said he has a twin with difficulties. How’s his relationship with his twin?

I'd just take the router to bed when you go

And don't talk about it, just shrug. It's your house 🤷‍♀️

You've talked to him til you're blue in the face and it makes no difference - save your energy for your other children

He has to be left to sort himself out

No discussion about anything til he gets a job

All those saying make him leave home -- errrr how? Change the locks and make him starve on the doorstep?
Start with your GP and see if you can get some proper advice and support.

I remember watching a news item where a teen had to have his bowel removed because he was so addicted he didn't take a shit.

I think you were wrong to cut the cable, you should have hidden it or changed the wifi code.

You need to sit down at a table at an arranged discussion in the first instance.

shouting stuff through bedroom doors in a situation like this, won't work.

By feeding him and washing his clothes you are enabling him. There has to be consequences for his actions and if he lives at home he doesn't get wifi back until he washes, washes his clothes and gets a job and has done this for six months at least. Even then it's limited.

This way he will either shape up or leave home. Either is acceptable.

Uni doesn’t keep people on who are failing
if he’s still got a place for this September,he must be doing ok and passing.
i understand,I’m in the same situation with one of mine ,but he’s autistic,and has PDA .
20 is very young still op
try to get him through his uni course ,he really won’t get far with no degree and, huge student loans to pay back.
if you could help him finish his degree he will have a much brighter future.

Could you scrape enough money together to have him privately assessed? I think that would be really important. If he’s neurodivergent or similar then the normal approach of just throwing him out the nest to see if he flies won’t work, he’ll need a lot of extra support and leeway. If it turns out that there’s no underlying conditions and he’s just being a lazy git then you can go from there.

This sounds incredibly frustrating. However, I don’t think you can expect your ds to just be an adult and do all of these things expected of him when his main life experience for x number of years is sitting in a gaming chair. For example, if he’s been doing that since 16, he’s still got the life knowledge, possibly the maturity of a 16 yo.

It therefore sounds as though he needs some help to navigate life. The first thing to ascertain is if he’s continuing with his course. From that point, you should try to work with him to sort his life out. Going to uni? Navigate the guarantor issue with him. Not going anymore? This will be harder. But perhaps giving him a deadline could help? Here’s information on a council tenancy deposit schemes and eligibility. This would be for if he isn’t continuing and sounds as though you’d have to throw him out.
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/rent_deposit_bond_and_guarantee_schemes

Does your disabled son have autism? I also have disabled child with autism, and I have realised since having her I have adhd, there are strong links between both, ur son who u r talking about seems he could also have adhd, struggles to have self care washing etc (executive functioning) addiction to gaming (needing extra dopamine) not being able to complete tasks , when I was at home my parents put a lot of effort into caring for my brother (undiagnosed autism ) and when I was struggling with my undiagnosed adhd struggling to complete tasks, struggling with self care I was basically told I was lazy , I now know as adult I also had something that effected my brain. He needs ur support equally as ur other child. Which I know as having one daughter with severe autism non verbal and significant learning disability and a younger daughter who I think has adhd I can totally relate, why he behaves the way he does needs investigating and not assuming he's lazy.

I mean I can relate because trying to meet both my girls needs if really difficult, I still struggle with how my parents treated us so differently, and I'm aware of this while I raise my girls.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it...

😂😂😂😂 Good for you.

Honestly I think I have a screen addiction and I could do with someone doing that for me - it appears I'm too weak-willed to do it for myself. It's not a gp situation; it's a get your act together or get out situation. He's 20. He's failing uni. And he can't mooch off his mum and dad forever.

You sound really unreasonable. I didn't charge my kids rent while they were at uni. They had their loan and I gave them money for food (they lived out.) they did both get jobs as they wanted more money but it was their choice. He's an adult if he wants to play games he can and yes lectures are usually online to do can study from home. I agree with making him paying the for damage for the bike but suggest you pay him now for the damage to his property. If you don't want him to live at home it seems harsh but fair enough , support him to move in to accommodation. But currently you are treating him like a child but expecting him to behave like an adult. If he's an adult then he gets to makes his own choices.

Cut the power to his room, change the locks and throw him out.

I’m sorry you are going through this . I’m just coming out of the other side of this hopefully. My teenage son felt it was ok to spend all his time gaming or getting drunk then threatening me. I called the police the last time it happened . I did discover that there were other issues going on in his life which were affecting his behaviour. Could he be depressed ?

I am a teacher and the pupils who present like your son are almost always neurodivergent. You describe characteristics of both ASC and ADHD in your post.

You managed to make him go on holiday, so now make him go to the GP to start the ball rolling with an assessment, and to discuss mental health issues such as depression.

Make an appointment to speak with the relevant person at university and go with him (welfare office, personal tutor). My decision on whether I'd support him to stay would depend on how he is doing. If he's at a top university, as you say, and passed the first year, then I wouldn't want to be responsible for taking away that opportunity.

If he doesn't get the full maintenance loan then you are supposed to top that up. If you can't, and he won't work to top it up himself, then would he rather move to a uni with cheaper accommodation than continue living at home?

If he is ND then the support Uni can put in place for him, to support organisation and so on, could make a big difference.

I absolutely understand your frustration. You have tried to help him for many years without success. I am not someone tutting that you cut his cable. But to me he sounds like someone who still, unfortunately, needs your help and may do for several years yet.

She doesn't charge him rent.

Op I do wonder if there’s more going on here than laziness.

Some of his behaviour sounds like it could be very high functioning ASD to me. He sounds like he wants to avoid social contact, also very rigid.

He also sounds to me like he could have ADHD - the incident with the bike eg.

My DS would easily have gone down this route, he spent nights gaming and sleeping daytime, only just passed a couple of GCSE’s. Never really bothered as he always said he wanted to work with my DH doing plumbing. Well that didn’t work, he couldn’t be bothered to learn, go to college, but basically thought he’d get paid for doing next to nothing. After a few massive rows, he had to himself a full time job. He’s 26 now, still at home, still gaming, but much less. We have a rule in our house midnight is cut off time in the week. I’ve told both my DS’s if they don’t like it, they can leave. I have unplugged the router a few times and changed password. Have you made next year’s application for student loan, I wouldn’t do it until things change at home. He just thinks he can manage on student loan, do a bit of studying and game all night.

It's not unacceptable

This is out of desperation and you have condemned without any suggested solution .

Why should this adult son freeload indefinitely. Will he still be gaming through the night in his childhood bedroom at 43 ? The line has to be drawn somewhere and his lifestyle is not healthy .

I think you need an intervention. You and DH need to get him out of his room and ask him some pertinent questions, then listen to his answers, without any interruptions. Explain calmly your concerns giving him an opportunity to respond. It sounds like he’s been infantilised by you and no boundaries were put in place earlier so you need some rules. For example set some chores, can he cook a meal, iron clothes, wash and tidy up after dinner? If he does the job/s then he can have the WiFi or a new cable. Maybe he needs to hear something other than negativity from you. He needs to know the consequences of his actions but without crushing his spirit. If he’s in education I wouldn’t expect any housekeeping money but if he’s not in education I would expect a contribution to the household finances. Of course you need to address this but do you ever just talk to him about anything other than what he’s doing wrong? He’s probably thinking ‘oh here we go again’ whenever you want to speak to him.

Your son sounds like a lot of autistic young adults I know. (I work in mental health, predominantly with autistic & ADHD adults). Has he had an assessment?

She's tried with the GP. But he can't be bothered.

This goes back beyond Covid. He's an adult, he's old enough to know what he's doing and has no respect or care for his parents.

"Let him came, show him you'll trust him" what do you think they've been doing before they got to this point?
Pay for his accommodation, be his guarantor? You've got to be joking! (Even if they could afford to pay for his accommodation). Parents - make yourselves financially vulnerable to support a man-child who couldn't give a stuff about supporting you.

"She's tried with the GP. But he can't be bothered."

Just telling him to go to the GP won't be enough but she managed to get him on a holiday he didn't want to go on so I think it will be possible.

OP, being honest, when you drew lines in the sand in the past (regarding computer use, getting a job etc) did you follow through with the consequences when he stepped over them? if so, he has learnt that you don't really mean it, and this will feel like a big adjustment.