Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

[MadeAMessOfParenting]

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

Often there is a reason for behaviour like this. I don’t think it’s just laziness. I don’t have the answer, but I imagine his self esteem is pretty low if all he does is stay in his room.

He read Jordan Peterson (the lobster guy) - not something I'd choose (which might have been one of its attractions) and really changed.

I am most obliged to this man even if I have to disagree with his theories

Before I RTFT, I had been going to mention Jordan Peterson, to my shame. Reading his books turned my ex gaming addict ASD son's life around...

Well done on putting your foot down and cutting the cable. Seems you might be best getting him to put the pc in the garage again as uni is out for the summer.

I don't think if he goes to halls he will work. So better he stays with you until he gets through a semester of going to uni. I think your relationship sounds pretty unsalvageable without professional help.

He needs therapy for gaming addiction.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Internet addiction is not a diagnostic criteria for autism. And diagnosis over the internet is ridiculous.

There are many young men with these behaviour patterns as this thread attests and they’re not all on the spectrum.

He’s never held down a job because he’s never needed to. Having to step up and go through the experiences of trying to hold them down a job is fundamental to his engaging with his own life. At the moment he is living in a world of make believe with zero consequences. Until he steps up uni will not even work for him.

He doesn’t have to go back to this course later on, he can choose another one and do it part time if necessary.

I think we're too quick to suggest he's presenting ADHD or autism. To me it seems he's presenting as a lazy freeloader! I sympathise with you OP.

OP, i presume you've purchased all his things? I would be tempted to be quite harsh. I'd do a massive deep clean taking away any luxuries, leaving him with no tech that he hasn't paid for himself, including wifi and any mobile phone contracts, and just clothing basics. He needs to erupt i think to find the motivation to thrive independently. He may not achieve it, but this current approach isn't working. His stance with what you've given him is that he's entitled to it, and that's unhelpful to him.

Sounds like a classic case of screen addition. If it is your wifi he is using you can restrict which devices can use it if you want to try a cold turkey approach without the need to 'cut cables'. Maybe put in 'parental controls' like you would for younger children on the TV.

With no access to wifi in your home it may encourage him to get his own. Once he gets a job and starts contributing he can have access back.

Has he passed his first year?

If he has then he’s obviously doing enough, even if it’s the bare minimum.

Tell him you love him, hate that he’s not becoming a functioning adult and therefore it’s going to be tough love from now on - purely because you love him too much to let this continue.

I’d start charging him rent, certainly from his next grant payment, maybe from now if you want him to work this summer. Tell him he has to do x chores. Give him a time limit to step up or he’ll have to move out. By not being a guarantor, tell him he’ll end up having to lodge somewhere and him waking people up through the night, won’t be tolerated. Give him a cable back but warn that if he doesn’t self limit, then you’ll do it for him again.

Write the time limits down. Make sure he knows you are serious this time. No shouting or cajoling. Just dead calm, seriousness that it’s come to this. Offer to look into getting help with his addiction.

I wouldn’t do the disappointment bit, as he probably feels bad about it anyway but can’t help himself. Knowing you are disappointed won’t help the vicious cycle. He needs understanding, him knowing that you know it’s going to be hard for him, but that there are strong boundaries. He needs to know that this is going to stop and you will help him, otherwise he’ll have to disrupt another household and suffer the consequences. Tell him you’d love to pay for halls, but it’s just not financially viable. The best option is for him to step up at home. Otherwise much as you love him, you cant continue to enable him to destruct his life, and he’ll have to do that elsewhere.

You may need to top his loan up to what you are supposed to, or use that as his “rent”. Anything else he funds himself.

So he's lazy, disrespectful, irresponsible? Kick him out honestly.

I never usually think this is the right thing to do but he needs to grow up and if he can't even offer basic common decency to not shout at night playing games or contribute to the household, he needs some very tough love.

i Know the tiredness is due to all night gaming but can you try him with some vitamins, if he’s not getting out he’s probably not getting much Vitamin D which won’t be making him feel great.
if you can get him to take Vit D with K2 (we use the better you brand that you just spray inside your cheek)

Could he have adhd or autism based on what we’re hearing? Working in this area, I think so.

so just like with anything else I’d be saying get it checked out first before listening to other internet diagnosis because it very well
could be. If it’s gaming addiction the same, her professional help. Not just kick him out.

if it’s addiction as your internet diagnosis would say, imagine op saying I used to let my teenage son drink the alcohol in the house, I’d keep buying and providing it so much so he’s addicted now. but now I’ve had enough and am saying move out, im not helping you, I won’t be a guarantor, quit uni get a job even though you won’t be able to keep it down?

Well done OP. So many young men's lives wasted by gaming addiction.

I have a brother who's spent the last 18 years up all night in a dark room, gaming. He's just been diagnosed with lung cancer. He's 37.

Of course. I missed that. Maybe remove the power cable to the router at night then.

So he's lazy, disrespectful, irresponsible? Kick him out honestly.

What do you honestly think would happen to him if he was kicked out of the house with no money and no means to support himself?

This really isn't the answer. It will just add to the homeless problem on the streets. He is clearly vulnerable, and no loving parent would really do this.

Sorry but no, I’ve had friends like this at uni who were babied by their parents and they just had no concept of real life at all! It actually ended up causing our house problems and arguments so I have really little sympathy. I graduated uni during the pandemic (my final year was when it all started) and honestly, yes it was hard but equally my parents babying me wasn’t going to help?

I worked all the time I was at uni - my parents helped me and my brother with a set amount and then the rest was on us 🤷‍♀️ by 2nd and 3rd year I was working full time hours alongside studying and graduated with a 1st. The job was remote from home though and we chose our own hours, which is the only reason why I was able to do that.

in fact one of the friends who just had their mum and dad sort everything for them told me I couldn’t have a little moan about being taxed in my payslip because I used the NHS and roads! I asked her what she was doing to contribute and of course she had very little to say.

I have minimal sympathy for people like this and I think his friends will probably start to feel the same when they realise how much they’re paying for him!

To be honest OP, i think you need to think about how it got to this point and you and your DH might have to look in the mirror and realise your own roles in this. It didn’t happen overnight 🤔

Yabu to damage his property.

Replace the cable. Apologise and Admit to him that it was the wrong thing to do.

Then change the WiFi password.
Change it regularly. No access until he starts paying.

As an interim possibly give him a weekly budget to go out and buy his own food and prepare his own food.
Tell him this is a weekly allowance for 4 weeks and then it will be stopped (giving him 4 weeks to sort out a job). Make him go out and get the food himself. Get him taking responsibility for his own care.

It might sound extreme but...fridge lock and cupboard locks for your own stuff.

I'd actually think buy a small separate fridge for him and one cupboard solely for him. If you're gonna do this you need to do it in a way he has no access to steal your stuff and has to become independent

I have DS15 who is on exactly the same path as your son. Against my wishes DP bought him an all singing and dancing gaming PC and since then he’s on it all day. Some weekends he’s on there all day, with the minimal time in homework.

He is absolutely obsessive and even though he’s doing his GCSEs next year, he doesn’t seem to care and his gaming is his priority.

It’s impossible to keep track of if he’s gaming or doing homework, so I bought him a low level chromebook for homework, as he’s unable to play his games on there.

However, my son is still at an age that I have some level of control, but it’s still really hard, but I make sure his laptop is not allowed in his bedroom and I also take his phone at night, but your son is 20, those options are not open to you.

Five, ten years from now your son will most likely realise just how much he’s screwed-up his education for something so trivial as online gaming.

Right now, like any addict, his gaming will be the most important thing in his life, nothing you can do or say will make any difference, the solution needs to come from him. I would suggest that he contacts his Uni to get some help and counselling.

Could he have adhd or autism based on what we’re hearing? Working in this area, I think so.
So just like with anything else I’d be saying get it checked out first.

But the ops already tried that and he won't go. You can't make a 20yo go to the gp if he's raging at you. And anyway, at 20, autism or not, he has to want to be involved in, or at the least cooperate with, these processes or nothing will be resolved.

Hope he gets a lady friend and then encourage him to move in with her like a lot of cocklodger’s parents do.

Good luck

@LiesDoNotBecomeUs
@KathyWilliams
Please could you tell me which Jordan Peterson book to start with? I'm watching this thread with interest as my DS21 is similar but perhaps not quite so bad. I might have to bribe him to read the book though......

I’ve not voted as I can’t say YABU when it sounds like you’ve tried many things before.

However this sounds more than just a screen addiction.
Many addicts still hold down jobs or go out with their mates.

He sounds like he has bad anxiety/self image issues and maybe depression which is why he’s hiding away in his room.

When someone has these issues it’s very difficult to get them to go out and do stuff.
Going to uni or getting a new job must literally be torture.

I don’t think he’ll listen if you say about seeing a gp or dealing with his anxiety so I probably wouldn’t mention it and just start small and try and tackle one or two things at a time.

It sounds like you’re wanting a lot of things to change and so he’s pushing back.
Starting smaller may give you more success.
He needs to know you’re treating him as a mature adult and not a child (even though he’s acting like one).

Does his mates come round to the house?
Could you encourage him to start inviting them around and game at his EOW?
They can get a pizza and hang out in his room.

I would be putting my foot down about him waking his dad up - that would be my first rule that I work on.
Tell him that one the weekends we can stay up talking but week days he needs to turn the headset off - he can still game until late.

What is he doing at uni?
Have you spoken to him about if he’s enjoying it or if he wants to change?
Maybe he could do a gaming course or something?

You can tell him to take a year or 2 and work but my concern would be what if he doesn’t turn up for work!

Sorry I just see that the cable does not require password as its direct connection.

So...as I said above replace cable. Apologise for damaging his property.
Then remove the outlet in his room.
The wall its on and the room its in is your property so you can decide to not allow permission of that.
If he paid for the actual fixtures ensure its removed undamaged and box it up.

You seem to know what to do and I suggest you follow it through, for his sake as well as yours. Well done for cutting his cables, thats was a great move. Dont give him access to your wi fi, change the pass word. Stop giving him full stop. He needs some harsh reality. Life isn't free, and he needs to stop sponging on parents.

That’s something I would do. Sounds like a good compromise.

It sounds as if he’s scared or anxious about adulting but that’s not an excuse.

Awful situation for you.