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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

289 replies

MadeAMessOfParenting · 03/07/2022 00:04

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Alarchbach · 03/07/2022 07:34

OP you totally did the right thing. Tough love is needed and I’d have done the exact same thing. I’ve no time for idleness. Ignore those saying uou shouldn’t have cut the cable. He’s taking the piss.

RampantIvy · 03/07/2022 07:39

This sounds so difficult for you @MadeAMessOfParenting. I think the university situation will resove itself because if he fails his first year he will either have to do resits or retake the year. You are doing the right thing by not paying for accommodation.

Can you change the Wi-Fi password and switch it off at night?
Apart from the addiction is there a possibility that he has ADHD or something else going on?

Skodacool · 03/07/2022 07:41

waveyourpompoms · 03/07/2022 00:19

He’s right, you shouldn’t be damaging his property. He’s an adult and destroying other peoples things isn’t acceptable.

You also say you made him to go on the holiday and then were annoyed he acted like he didn’t want to be there? It obviously wasn’t fabulous to him.

If you want him to move out fair enough, but the way you have behaved here is unacceptable.

Are you serious! He most certainly is not an adult. You do, however, need to stop enabling his behaviour.

stargirl1701 · 03/07/2022 07:42

It sounds exactly like brother who is still doing the same aged 43. My Dad is in his mid 70s.

Philisophigal · 03/07/2022 07:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

aSofaNearYou · 03/07/2022 07:44

I disagree that you shouldn't have cut his cable. If he wants to be bankrolled by you and take no steps towards independence then in return he should be treated like a child.

I think tough love is what he needs at this point OP. I feel for you, it sounds like a nightmare.

FlipFlops4Me · 03/07/2022 07:50

He is a total taker! Could you pack up his stuff and change your locks? He can go and stay with these mates of his who are so willing to pay for him?

And yes it sounds harsh but nothing short of a bomb is going to get this manchild out of mummy & daddy's comfy home. He needs to know that living costs. Eating costs. You've kept him, fed him, been insulted by him for a great many years. He's an adult, fully capable of holding down a job if he wants to.

Push him out of the nest for his own sake.

Imogensmumma · 03/07/2022 07:50

Work out how to turn your wifi off with a parental lock at say 1am and then keep moving it earlier so it’s not waking your DH

if he doesn’t like it well tough, he can always move out or go to uni. I think you are getting a lot of heat here for no reason you are trying to stop him being lazy his whole life so well done on intervening , otherwise known as parenting which it seems a lot on MN are scared to do…. Actually be the parent means sometimes being the ‘bad guy’

FlipFlops4Me · 03/07/2022 07:53

And to those saying 20 isn't an adult, I'm sure a lot of us got our first jobs and moved out of the family home a lot earlier than that. And a lot of us were working, living at home and paying our parents a proper rent.

This poor bloke is never going to grow up at this rate.

Quackpot · 03/07/2022 07:55

Change the WiFi password

MrsMontyD · 03/07/2022 07:58

Why do people keep mentioning covid? I can think of two friends with brothers in their 40s living at home in very similar situations, it's not that uncommon unfortunately and covid probably had much less impact on people who sleep all day and game all night than it did on the rest of us.

I'd echo the pp who said their brother ruined her parents retirement. I have a friend who's brother is doing the same, he contributes absolutely nothing and is a burden rather than a support to his elderly parents. In his mid 40s and never had a job or taken any qualifications beyond GCSE, no relationships. When his parents die he'll have no where to live and no income.

Penguinevere · 03/07/2022 08:01

It’s an addiction.

BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 · 03/07/2022 08:04

Everyone saying change the wifi password, it's clearly a WIRED connection straight into the router with a long Ethernet cable. Cutting the cable is the equivalent of changing the wifi password!

Newrunner29 · 03/07/2022 08:08

TigerRag · 03/07/2022 07:27

She's tried with the GP. But he can't be bothered.

Show quote history

I'd like to point out my adhd assessment questionnaire is at doctors and I haven't been able to get it to do, I really struggle with procrastination and it's all part of adhd so it may not be just that he can't be bothered. If someone was depressed and not going to doctors because they were struggling would u also assume they cannot be bothered?!

IrisVersicolor · 03/07/2022 08:09

The addiction will only be tackled when he’s ready to do so, addicts can’t be forced to address their behaviour and it doesn’t sound like he’s ready.

OP is right that the only thing that will get DS to engage with his own life at the moment is to leave uni and get a job. In the long run he can go back to uni when he’s more understanding of its advantages.

hatinacat · 03/07/2022 08:19

What a nightmare.

If it were me, I would make him move out and into halls (or private accommodation). I would act as guarantor but would give him ONE CHANCE only. If he fucks up, he's on his own and I would make that very clear from the outset. I would give him no further money and would not allow him to come home. He would need to stand on his own two feet. So far he has very much taken you for granted. This can't continue.

My friend's son sounds similar and he went away for uni. He is still lazy/games all night but is better than he was and has grown up quite a bit. He's just finished his degree course so has just started to look for a job. I hope he does well but so far has wasted a lot of his potential.

I read threads like these and I'm glad I don't have kids!

Georgeskitchen · 03/07/2022 08:20

Stope enabling his behaviour. Put a lock on the kitchen door, change the WiFi password and tell him to get a job

MrsR87 · 03/07/2022 08:23

YANBU

I wish my mum had done things like this with my brother when his similar problems started emerging! He was also very intelligent but got addicted to gaming, staying in his room and generally being very lazy. He messed up his A levels, got a part time job that lasted about 9 months and has done nothing since! He’s now 27.

Since then he has developed a whole host of mental health issues, never leaves his room let alone the house (lives with mum), despite not having a job does nothing around the house to help, has very low personal hygiene standards and just stays on his computer all night and sleeps all day.

He refuses to access and help! I wish it had nipper in the bud earlier or at least attempted!

My advice from personal experience is to to what you can now!

DragonflyNights · 03/07/2022 08:27

Has he ever had any support for his gaming addiction? Or for the fact his twin has such different needs to him?

While I can understand your frustration there’s clearly something going on, he’s got into a top uni and has friends who sound nice, but he’s avoiding life. Sounds like an extreme version of failure to launch and that he needs professional help.

Hadtochangeitforthis · 03/07/2022 08:27

IrisVersicolor · 03/07/2022 08:09

The addiction will only be tackled when he’s ready to do so, addicts can’t be forced to address their behaviour and it doesn’t sound like he’s ready.

OP is right that the only thing that will get DS to engage with his own life at the moment is to leave uni and get a job. In the long run he can go back to uni when he’s more understanding of its advantages.

How is that the only thing to do, he hasn’t been able to hold down a job previously and not getting/looking for any now.

in the long run, he can’t just go back to uni. OP mentioned something about it being a hard to course to get on.

to me, it’s sounding like DS has autism/adhd/both and given this has been going on for so many years, this is his norm, this is him and it surprises me how many people think that it’s so easy to ‘snap’ someone out of it. No the wire shouldn’t have been cut, because it won’t achieve anything, it will get replaced and OP won’t keep cutting up because I’m sure she knows it isn’t the solution to this problem.

if you can somehow turn this around to that ‘ I can see your struggling and this is how I want to help’ situation rather than I’m fed up of you, you could try and get to a gp. This site can be full of such poor advice, the poster above saying ‘this isn’t a gp problem’ of course it is and I’ve recently discovered that Psychiatry UK are able to accept referral from GP’s for Autism (ASD/ASC) it’s just launched so the wait list is likely to increase quite fast, but the most recent figure for this waiting list is 2 months so I would discuss this with DS as this Could open up huge support from medication, therapy, uni support and allowances, potential financial support.

and if there is a diagnosis you will need to flip the current outlook to that of other DS as in I need to get you the help you need as this DS has gone 20 years without.

pp are correct if he isn’t receding full amount of loan then this is supposed to be subsidised by parents. But….I know this isn’t doable for all, it was the same for me, I got the bare minimum but my parents weren’t rich they had huge outgoings and struggled to get by so I didn’t get a penny from them (never expected or asked either) but I lived at home until I was 24 rent free which I just assumed was normal but now really appreciate it. Please don’t try and force your son into a position of being kicked out of uni and in serious debts from getting him to move out.

This guy sounds like he needed proper help a long time ago but even so, positive changes can all start now.

Nothappyatwork · 03/07/2022 08:28

The trouble is times have changed and it’s all very well everybody saying he’s an adult at 20 yes he is but he won’t be entitled to any benefits to live independently because this government expects parents to bankroll them until I believe it’s 25 maybe even 30 before they can get their own place and become somebody else’s problem so it’s a very tricky situation the OP would find herself in.

personally I wouldn’t be buying food for him don’t do any washing don’t remind him to have a bath literally withdraw all labour that may mean that you and your husband need to eat out or eat at work for a bit so that he doesn’t eat your supplies.

but it’s amazing how quickly they do sort themselves out under those circumstances when you literally all you are providing is a roof.

Nothappyatwork · 03/07/2022 08:31

I also don’t think that autism ASD card cuts that my daughter had crippling autism depression etc but she does live independently she does her own washing she cleans a self she looks after her animals, she makes my dinner when she’s at uni on holiday.

nannybeach · 03/07/2022 08:32

Almost my situation to the letter. Lost my house and contents, (Ex H tried to kill me, had taken out huge mortgages, by forging my signature, house re-possessed) Boss sacked me, didnt want me working there when this hit the papers. Given emergency accomodation, for myself and 2 young DSs. Oldest DD, left home at 16 to work at stables, 21 she was sacked, her own fault. Came to live in emergency accom with us, the 2 DSs share a room, I had a sofa in single room, she had sofa in living room, an uncastrated cat who ped on sofas,beds, attacked us. We didnt even have a phone, she walked to the call box with my youngest DSs and dog, was telling her mates not to worry she would get money from me. (She had a sports car, I had a push bike) she wanted money for tampons, or fuel, I gave her tampons, fueled her car, gave her no money, she dossed on sofa all day, out all night clubbing. No effort to find a job,. Got no benefits, I was really scraping, gave her a week to find a job, she didnt even bother looking, chucked her out, she had plenty of friends in the town she could have stayed with, gave me the emotional blackmail, "I didnt care, she would end up on the streets,on drugs,pregnant" She did actually do all these things, after living in her car in London for a coup[le of weeks. I was expected to bail her out, every time she got into debt, while buying expensive brand clothes for her,my Gs, her boyfriend. Fast forward a few years, she went into Banking, got to the top.Worked for some big people some big organisations, with a team of 300 under her. Still wastes money, I am now retired state pension, dont bail her out, shes now over 50.My 2 sons were mentally disabled, youngest has Rapid cycly bi-polar,autismn,severe anxiety,depression, oldest the latter 2.

Hadtochangeitforthis · 03/07/2022 08:34

Nothappyatwork · 03/07/2022 08:31

I also don’t think that autism ASD card cuts that my daughter had crippling autism depression etc but she does live independently she does her own washing she cleans a self she looks after her animals, she makes my dinner when she’s at uni on holiday.

You do understand there’s a huge spectrum….and every individuals experience is different therefore OP or anyone else shouldn’t base it on what your daughter can do, is this for real?
I could give you a ton of experiences of people with autism, depression other mental health difficulties who can’t do xyz!!!

Summerfun54321 · 03/07/2022 08:35

You’re enabled a gaming addiction by providing continuous WiFi through the night and devices in his bedroom for years and years. Yes he’s 20 and an adult but you should have put an end to this years ago when he was doing his GCSEs. If you don’t help him find a solution now, you’ve enabled this addiction then just washed your hands of him. The time to have acted on this and got strict was years ago but it’s still not too late. Calm down and think together if uni or work if the best thing for him and get him help for his addiction.