Was this a harsh thing to do to adult son?

[MadeAMessOfParenting]

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t. He fucked up his GCSEs due to it.

He has not worked apart from a few months part time on 2 occasions since he left school. Did 3 years at college, dropped out in first year of A Levels and changed courses to a BTEC which he scraped through and started at Uni last September. I wasn’t happy at knew he wouldn’t work hard and told him to defer for a few years but he promised he would. Lives at home as accommodation costs £1k a month! but is only just over an hour away. I had told him to get job over the summer before he started Uni to save for the accommodation but he didn’t. He hasn’t actually attended since last November. Says it’s OK to do it online.

His days consist of staying up all night talking shit to his mates while playing games, then going back to bed in morning for the whole day. Doesn’t wash regularly, breath stinks and only goes out if his mates arrange something on the odd occasion.

He actually wakes up DH who works very long hours due to how loud he talks and there has been major rows about it.

He apparently can’t get a job. Hasn’t had one since he had a Christmas temp one, as he’s not getting replies to applications although he’s actually missed interviews as been asleep!

He doesn’t pay rent although I took money off him from his first student loan payment as he lost his Dads bike and damaged a car by riding into it which we had to pay for. He told his mates we were exploiting him financially!

Found out he has spent all his last student loan which he got in April probably on online games and now has no money left at all! Not on drugs as he doesn’t go out to use them!

We took him on a fabulous holiday abroad last month, all inclusive, loads of activities, pool, beach, evening entertainment to try to liven him up but he spent most of it in his hotel room! He was furious we made him come too.

I had told him if he’s going to continue at Uni this year, he needs to move out into halls as I refuse to support him any longer but his maintenance loan won’t cover this so he needs to earn over the summer. Still no job and he spent the day in bed today AGAIN despite saying he wasn’t going to. I went out and found him there after asking him to cut the grass having asked him for 2 weeks now.

He needs us to be guarantors for his Uni halls but I’ve told him no as he’s not reliable to pay his rent and probably won’t get a part time job then either.

I asked him many times whats going on, could he be depressed, told him to go to GP, ask for blood tests, ask for counselling but he can’t be bothered. He’s quite happy when he’s online with his mates though.

He has a big gaming PC which needs an Ethernet cable for WiFi. I have cut it and he doesn’t have the cash to buy another one which I won’t let him connect anyway. He says I had no right to damage his property!

I’ve also told him as he can’t afford to live in halls, he has to quit Uni and get a full time job as we won’t support him any longer so he can pay rent or get out!

He’s always been lazy despite being highly intelligent. used to be lovely but now has rages if he’s asked to anything, no respect and very arrogant and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the plot many times telling him how disappointed I am that he’s doing this and what the hell is he doing but he can’t seem to sort himself out.

AIBU?

Op, I don’t have any advice but I can see why you cut the cable in frustration. Your son is at an age where he does not start to learn the big lessons he will end up staying with you forever. I myself would hate a stinking, lazy gamer being in the house and paying for them to live. You need to start the ground rules now, no internet, he wants it he gets it fitted and pays for it, ditto food and all the other things. Maybe not rent as he is at uni. Must wash, must see the doctor. But he is an adult so not like you can make him do anything and honestly I think the biggest sharpest shock would be him to moving into a shared house, as others have said the other occupants will not put up with anything.
His friends might fund him now, but in ten years they will see him for how he is, a lazy grifter and will have things they need to prioritise instead of a share of a gaming pc and paying for his share
of holidays.

Oh yeah completely get that. But sometimes it’s how you come at the problem ‘I’m sick to death of you, cuts up Ds lifeline, you need to speak to a dr you know!’ Or ‘this isn’t going to work for this family anymore, I’ve booked you an appointment with the Gp, I will put you on loudspeaker and with your permission tell the gp what’s going on with you, as if there is something underlying we can help you so you can do well at uni, get into good employment and be independent’
not saying OP hasn’t done the latter but enabling whatever it is that’s going on is going to take some serious assertive positive action from op

You can't compare other autistic people to your daughter. I know autistic people who will never be able to cook a meal for themselves and ones who really struggle to keel themselves clean. It's called a spectrum for a reason.

Where’s national service when you need it?! Send him to the army or something. He needs discipline and he needs to get a life.

You lost the moral high ground damaging his property. You need to buy him another. However, the payment of WI-FI is down to you so I'd change the password as he's not paying anything towards it. He's your son, you need to talk to him, get to the bottom of things.

I have a son like this but he lives at his dad’s. It’s very tricky because he does have Asperger’s and ADHD and his dad hasn’t acknowledged until recently it so I’m still (remotely) trying to sort out his assessment. His dad of course gets annoyed because he sometimes gets woken up. My son isn’t even at uni. I’m not sure how much of it is screen addiction (more reading books on screen with my son) or difficultly sleeping. He has mental health problems too but he won’t make the effort to do anything about it. I’ve had to ask the autism centre to send all correspondence to my address because he opens it and just throws it somewhere.

I'm autistic and I’d say that although it isn’t an excuse to become a hermit, it can make life very difficult and there have to be some allowances made or what the point of a diagnosis? I was undiagnosed for 42 years and tried to do what everyone else does and it’s left me very fragile health-wise. I don’t know how you get the balance right though and I was far more passive as a young person than my son is and always felt a moral duty to be doing something so even when I was doing course after course, I did all my parents’ cleaning without being asked.

There are loads and loads of kids like this. They can’t keep up with the competition and there’s no incentive for them to work because they know they won’t be able to buy a house. All my son thinks about is global warming and nuclear war and he can’t see a future.

I’ve only read the OP’s posts so sorry if it’s been covered - Why physically cut a cable when you can just change the WiFi password?

You're right to tackle this now. I can see so many similarities with my brother in law. My MIL didn't really take it seriously for many years, let him stay at home, facilitated his gaming by paying for everything, plated up meals and left them ready for when he got up etc . It got gradually worse over the years until it was like having an aggressive and unpredictable giant hamster in the house. With a lot of support from the rest of the family she eventually sold up and moved 300 miles away in order to dislodge him (he was 50!) . He now has a flat and a job and is probably as happy as he will ever be, but what a waste of 30 years .

YANBU at all. You are being both brave and loving, which he will see in time. I would do the same but I would make it 100% clear that my action was out of love not as a punishment.

I'd make a list for him of each of those individual things you have complained about and at the end of each item I'd add: this is not healthy adult behaviour. It won't help you lead a fulfilling life.

i would explain to him that he seems badly addicted to screens and you will help him break the addiction if he owns up to it but can't if he won't.

I would ask him to come up with a plan of things he is prepared to do to start growing up and that you will support him.

Try to keep the temperature very calm. Not worried or angry but absolutely practical and neutral, as if you were an outside observer or counsellor. IME, teen boys respond far better to this approach.
.

One day when you are old and incapacitated, maybe even on a life support machine... just hope that he doesn't remember that you cut his Ethernet cable.

I think maybe take a moment for reflection.

Sorry but 'aggressive and unpredicatable giant hampster' made me howl. I'm sure it's not funny living with it but brilliant description.

DS1 is 20 and there have been issues with screen addiction since he was a teen. We’ve tried many things to get him to regulate himself but he just won’t.

@MadeAMessOfParenting if this really is an addiction - and it definitely sounds like it! Then maybe you need to let go. If you were to approach your situation from the assumption that your DS is an addict, then that might change your perspective & help a little?

Of course, if his twin brother has a diagnosis of ASD, then it's quite likely your DS does as well. But there is very little you can do to control his behaviour (that control should probably have happened back when he was 12 or 13). But if your DS won't do anything about it, then you don't have much power/control, frankly.

So instead -- Have a look at the resources available for families of addicts offered by AA - I think the organisation for families (and those affected by others' addictions) is called Al-Anon.

A couple of friends of mine have found Al-Anon really helpful to them for coping with an addict. The emphasis in Al-Anon is not on the addict, but you. And teaches you that:
you didn't cause the addiction
you can't control it
you can't cure it.

All of that has to come from him. That's what is called "rock bottom" - when an addict realises what they have lost and decides for themselves to do something about it.

You need to seek advice for yourself (and your DH) about how to manage the situation. At what point will you throw him out of the family home? Because you may have to do that. At what point can you force a Social services intervention?

Good luck, OP. It sounds unbelievably difficult, and there is the impact on your other DC and your whole family.

Because he doesn't use wifi. He uses an ethernet cable.

DS15 is on this path although we limit access to devices and push for chores to be completed. He needs to be micro managed though! He’s full of big ideas about what he’ll do without following through eg drew up a CV for weekend work but then didn’t go to more than 3 high street stores with it. Have ordered Jordan Peterson 12 Rules in hope …

You shouldn't damage his property. You pay for the Internet so set parental controls on it and limit the times it work. When my bother was bumming around my mum used to wake him up at 7 and put him out the house. He wasn't allowed back in until 6. Working hours. She told him she would do that until he got a job and she did.

Failure to launch. There are quite a few resources for parents with young adult children who failed to launch from adolescence into young adulthood. How was he prior to 3 years ago? Did he struggle socially? Academically? Emotionally?

www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/failure-to-launch-syndrome/
www.scientificamerican.com/article/failure-to-launch-syndrome/

I have no idea what you can do about it, but I'm pretty much in the same situation with my partner's son. He spends all his time online, sleeps most of the day, isn't interested in anything else. Says he's looking for a job but won't (or can't!) show us any evidence of this, as it shows we don't trust him (we absolutely don't). He does sod all around the house, hordes dishes and cutlery upstairs and every so often plonks them by the sink for us to wash.

Every so often we will have a go at him, things will change for about an hour where he'll put the hoover round or something, and then straight back to normal.

I do not know what to do, but it's killing us.

I wouldn’t have cut the cable, I would have just changed the settings on the router or even removed the cable.

However, he really ought to be able to fix an Ethernet cable. You can attach the plug to the cut end. Although I would probably have to Google the instructions(!)

Can you contact student support services at his Uni? If he's doing alright despite his terrible timekeeping it would be a shame to force him to drop out.

It sounds like he has mental health issues at the very least and it would probably be a good idea to get him assessed for adhd and autism.

When one of your siblings has special needs it can be really easy to get the message that your struggles aren't important and to just not bother telling your parents about anything because they have enough on their plate. Some counselling could potentially help him regardless of what diagnosis he does or doesn't get.

His gaming PC almost definitely has WiFi capabilities, so cutting his cable hasn't stopped him gaming online, it's just less stable and his ping has increased.

Try and talk to him from the perspective that you love him and want more for him, he may have gotten the impression that he's less important to you than his brother.

I wouldn't have cut the cable but I would have stopped him having access to the internet.

Are you cooking and cleaning for him?

Can you turn the electricity off at night.

How does he pay for his mobile?

@waveyourpompoms

there is always one on here that likes to blame the parents no matter how bad the behaviour of the offsprings

You say - They shouldn’t have cut his internet cable as he is an adult.

Well, he is an adult you’re absolutely right - so he can bloody move out and get a job can’t he??

I would sit him down and speak to him as an adult. Explain the situation he is in, the impact on his life and future if he fails uni and the impact his behaviour is having on the household. Make an agreement with him to take the following steps

Get a job - and take responsibility for getting up and getting himself there
Wash daily
Do laundry and chores to contribute to the household

If he demonstrates that he can do these things without intervention and nudging from you he can
Have his internet restored subject to daily limits and a curfew
You will consider becoming a guarantor for him to move to uni halls.

Turn off the WiFi
Keep it turned off
Provide basic food and bed and nothing else
No money, no Loans - until he gets a job/starts working on uni course then he won’t be doing anything
research local support for gaming addiction and offer to help/support him

Tough love is all that is going to work here
He will thank you one day

I would have chopped it into tiny bits. In what way is the cable the property of a big idle kid who has no money of his own? Even the student loan seems to be got by deception as he appears to do no work for uni.

OP you were right. Stick to your guns. It is not fair on you and will be better for him in the long term too.

Change that Wifi password. Do it weekly. Stick to your guns about him going into halls too or you'll be nagged into giving the wifi password for uni online. If he gets up and works then gets the password if not no-go. Who pays for his phone too? Do not give him pocket money.

There is no way he can't get a student-type holiday or weekend job. There is a labour shortage for low skilled work.

I think you were fine to cut the cable. I'd be smashing the PC. You should change the password on the wifi too.

He is an addict. He must seek treatment.

Spending loan money on online games is appalling.

Tell him he must be out by September 1.