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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 02/07/2022 09:15

Surely the hobby provides the best excuse then?

“I’m going with DD to my parents this morning while your at hobby with dss. We will be back for about x time fancy a takeaway and film later” or similar.

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:17

Sirzy · 02/07/2022 09:15

Surely the hobby provides the best excuse then?

“I’m going with DD to my parents this morning while your at hobby with dss. We will be back for about x time fancy a takeaway and film later” or similar.

You'd think so but I wouldn't put it past him to speak to my parents himself (it's not uncommon for them to talk, especially him and my dad) to say would they mind hanging on for DSS as he'd love to go blah blah at which point they'll say yes because how can they not?

Or he'll say "your parents won't mind, they love DSS I'm sure they'll prefer him to come"...

OP posts:
Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:19

And it would probably only be an half and hour/an hour's difference between when we'll be heading out and DSS getting back which won't help that argument.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/07/2022 09:22

Perfectly fine for you to want to do stuff just with your child. Sounds like your husband prefers you to be around so that he doesn't have to parent his own child in his own. I'd totally be nipping that in the bud.

KyaClark · 02/07/2022 09:24

Just leave while they are out?

bloodyunicorns · 02/07/2022 09:24

Just tell him. 'I want to see my family on my own. You spend some one to one time with dss. You know, I want them to be able to focus on dd' and see what he says.

Geneviev · 02/07/2022 09:24

My parents are not without their faults but they’d never be so unwelcoming. he’s their son in law.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/07/2022 09:25

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want to do something with just your DD and your parents.
It might also be nice for your DH and his DS to spend some one-on-one time. Apart from anything else, surely there are quite a few activities which aren't going to be particularly enjoyable for both a 2yo and an 8yo?

NCforgoodreason · 02/07/2022 09:26

Just tell him your going out with DD today and you'll catch him and DSS later? You don't have to be scared of being honest with him.

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 09:27

Do you all go to the hobby?

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:27

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/07/2022 09:22

Perfectly fine for you to want to do stuff just with your child. Sounds like your husband prefers you to be around so that he doesn't have to parent his own child in his own. I'd totally be nipping that in the bud.

I don't actually think it's this. He just wants DSS included in everything and gets very defensive if he's not. It's caused arguments with us before.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 09:28

Is your DH afraid to parent DSS alone? Doesn’t he ever spend time with him 1-1? He long have you been together - has it always been like this?

Just tell him - it’s not unreasonable and you shouldn’t be scared to say something.

lancsgirl85 · 02/07/2022 09:28

Absolutely fine. Not unreasonable in the slightest. Just tell him you'd like to go by yourself today. He would surely also enjoy quality time with his son where he can focus on him 100%? Win win. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:28

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 09:27

Do you all go to the hobby?

No. DH isn't either though, a friend is picking up DSS and they go together. As I say we won't be going out until later this morning so would only be half an hour or so before DSS was due back which is what I imagine DH will say.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 02/07/2022 09:28

Do you even need to tell him where you are going?
You can either just say you are going out with DD while they are at the hobby. Or leave after they have gone out.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/07/2022 09:29

Ok even if it's not what I said he still needs to get a grip with the 'everything must be equal' shit. At the end of the day, his child is not your parents grandchild. Of course they're not going to want to see as much of him as they are their actual grandchild. My mum barely knows my stepkids and that's fine - they have grandparents of their own.

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 09:29

I don't actually think it's this. He just wants DSS included in everything and gets very defensive if he's not. It's caused arguments with us before.

But it’s not his plan, his invite or his family. He can include his DS in whatever he arranges. Not in what other people arrange!

Greenberg · 02/07/2022 09:30

NCforgoodreason · 02/07/2022 09:26

Just tell him your going out with DD today and you'll catch him and DSS later? You don't have to be scared of being honest with him.

That's what I'd do. Just tell him you're meeting with your parents.

Tbh the fact that he's your SS is a red herring and making it more awkward. If he was your son, you wouldn't think twice about sometimes meeting your parents with the younger one. If your husband says anything, I'd just tell him that. Also, say it's nice for your SS to have some 1-2-1 time with your husband. It makes sense all round, so everyone gets that bit more attention.

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 09:31

As I say we won't be going out until later this morning so would only be half an hour or so before DSS was due back

Go earlier and do something else on the way.

lancsgirl85 · 02/07/2022 09:31

He just wants DSS included in everything and gets very defensive if he's not.

Well this is his problem, and also a bit silly. He can spend lovely quality time with his son doing their own thing, that they have planned together, while you do the same with DD. There's no need for him to be "included" in your plans - he can just make his own, surely?

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 09:32

You sound like you do want to exclude him, Op. Does that happen often?

DucklingDaisy · 02/07/2022 09:32

if DSS was your own DS, can you still imagine wanting to give your DD some individual time with her grandparents? If so, not at all unreasonable. (I can imagine doing this in the circumstances you describe.)

If you only want to do this because DSS isn’t their biological grandchild, that’s unreasonable.

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 09:33

Does the DSS ever get to see relatives on his mum’s side if he is with you every weekend?

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 09:33

“Hey, DH, I’m going to take DD to see my grandparents. I’ll be back around x - what shall we have for tea, I can pick something up on the way back.”

Anothernosebleed · 02/07/2022 09:33

“I’m taking DD over to mums today to see my grandparents, thought it would be a good chance for you and DSS to have some quality time together”