Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

[FrillyBobs]

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

@beautyisthefaceisee of course she’s accepted her dss.

do you let one child have all the attention in your home?

You need to put your foot down and be blunt with your DH, stop feeling like it makes you mean because it doesn't. He needs to allow you and your family space. When he says "I'm sure they'd prefer it if he was there" you need to be able to say "actually I think they would like some time with just DD sometimes", as well as "DSSs behaviour can really dominate and it isn't great to be around all the time". At the moment you're pandering to your DH's defensive tantrums. He needs to be able to handle these truths.

FWIW my DSS and DD are similar ages and my DSS's behaviour also dominates. My DP is fully aware of this and wouldn't expect me and my family to want to be around that all the time. Your DHs attitude is a real problem.

Even if they were full siblings, there is no need for a 2yo and an 8yo to be treated the same all the time.

Can't your husband take his son to the cinema or something equally not-todde-friendly as an alternative?

It's not as if you never do anything all together.

They share it so one weekend DH takes DSS and friend and the next friend's dad takes them.

When he says "I'm sure they'd prefer it if he was there" you need to be able to say "actually I think they would like some time with just DD sometimes"

He would be thoroughly offended at the notion they wouldn't want his son there. I have no doubt about that. Unfortunately DH doesn't always appreciate DSS has challenging behaviour. He thinks it's typical kid stuff which I guess some of it probably is but it's still annoying and attention drawing.

Loads of people have said something along the lines of ‘just say I’m taking DD to see my grandparents, why don’t you take DSS out for lunch and wel have a take away later’…. Are you going to try it?

It seems unreasonable of your DH not to assume you might want the odd time without DSS. I don’t mean that cruelly, but it seems you never get any weekend time without him? So of course he is generally included, as is right as he is part of the family, but there is also the age difference, surely him and his dad could do something together which would be lovely (& age appropriate that maybe DD could not take part in/appreciate at her young age), and let you go off on some occasions with DD and your family?

I’d go about it that way personally, rather than make you the baddie. How likely is it an 8 year old boy would not relish going to the cinema/play football/insert whatever activity he likes with his dad over seeing someone’s parents/grandparents?

If you are swapping your days soon, does that mean you will be able to see your family more often without DSS?

I think you should just be honest with your husband - surely your allowed to see your own parents without your husband coming too? T

Yes I will

It doesn't sound liek that at all! To me, it sounds like the son is put last!

He has no grandparents, OP blatantly doesn't want to spend time with him with her list of reasons, and he isn't allowed to come with the sister's grandparents either!

I think it's obvious he's bottom of the pile, and I don't blame DH for being annoyed.

You're allowed time with your daughter.

Stop feeling bad for wanting this. Even when there are full siblings, it's nice to have time with one on their own.

Start saying it. "I'd like some time with my parents alone" " I'd like some girl time" If he wants to sulk about this let him. Don't apologise.

Does your dh ever have time with his son on his own?

This is the problem, though. He should be able to handle the truth. It isn't right for him to be offended, your parents have a different relationship with their own grandchild to his child, he is being overbearing and entitled.

Spending time with your own family without your husband/partner is perfectly reasonable. Just tell your husband that’s what you’re doing and you’ll see him later. Your husband should be spending time with his son without you too. Job done.

Right, so he doesn't have challenging behaviour then. You just don't like him taking the attention away from your child.

I'm not surprised he's offended!

If your child was the stepchild and DH was behaving like this you would get completely different response.

I agree with the PP who said When he says "I'm sure they'd prefer it if he was there" you need to be able to say "actually I think they would like some time with just DD sometimes"

He may not agree but you need to push it more. If he disagrees, you say, again, "well actually DH no, DSS's behaviour means that the three of us would like some time just us occasionally. His behaviour isn't just typical kid stuff, it's very wearing. etc etc"

You don't need to accept your husband's wishes over yours on this.

You may need to tell him that your parents agree. Tough love. He needs to know the truth. Tell him, if he rings to ask them then they are just being polite.

But it sounds like this also needs a bigger discussion between you around general boundaries and discipline for DSS.

But that's exactly what OP wants! For one child to have all the attention!

Just tell him OP. Be honest and say you want to see your parents and grandparents alone with dd sometimes.

If he is unable to understand that and takes offence then you have deeper issues you need to address.

A blended family should be just that, whilst of course it would be nice to sometimes do separate things, you knew he had a child when you got together with him

Let us no how it goes. Putting aside wether it’s fair or not to specifically want an 8 year old not to come because he’s not YOUR son, it’s totally normal in most families to be able to separate off and do different things at weekends. Your DH sounds annoyingly codependent really, I’d possibly try and make a habit of going off without him and DSS occasionally on weekends to get him used to it because it’s normal to do different things and as the kids get older they’ll have different things on on the weekends anyway.

He has no grandparents, OP blatantly doesn't want to spend time with him with her list of reasons, and he isn't allowed to come with the sister's grandparents either!

Have we been told he doesn't have GPs on his mother's side?

OP spends other time with him, and he has obviously accompanied other visits to the GPs. She wants one without him today for the reasons she's given.

Be good for father and son to do a regular activity together like mountain biking trails or swimming or kayaking or something. I'd be emphasising how bonding this would be in strengthening the very important and particular father and son bond. With any luck they'd get obsessed. Or maybe not...

Why are you "putting aside" the fact she doesn't want the DH's child?

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread. If DH was behaving as OP is, it would be reversed. This is all because he's a man, and the child isn't hers.

Yes sometimes I'd like the attention to be on DD. I didn't say every time.

Yes, they're out of the country.

Yes - she has cited his behaviuor which in later posts she has gone back on, the fact she wants all the attention to be on HER child.

None of those are in way valid. And there is no chance she only wants this 'today'.