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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
DottyLittleRainbow · 02/07/2022 19:26

Anothernosebleed · 02/07/2022 09:33

“I’m taking DD over to mums today to see my grandparents, thought it would be a good chance for you and DSS to have some quality time together”

This.

EnterACloud · 02/07/2022 19:27

Leaving both kids aside entirely, it’s nice for your parents to see you sometimes without your partner.

would he be funny about that too?

Well done on today OP and do it again sometime soon. Maybe give a bit more warning and see if he comes up with something fun for him and your DSS.

StationaryMagpie · 02/07/2022 19:29

i think you need to have a sit down with your DH and have a proper chat with him.. his DS deserves time with his dad on their own, just as DD deserves time with her grandparents/ggps.

Yes, when you have a stepchild you treat them as your own while they're with you, but even with your OWN children, when you have more than one its not unusual to take one child out and leave the other at home.

He is being ridiculous and getting hurt/feeling slighted and creating drama, and he needs to pack it in.

GenItalienSchauen · 02/07/2022 19:35

Leaving both kids aside entirely, it’s nice for your parents to see you sometimes without your partner

This. I like seeing my DC with partners, and I like seeing them on their own. It's a different dynamic, and I wouldn't want it always to be one or the other.

GenItalienSchauen · 02/07/2022 19:37

I’m taking DD over to mums today to see my grandparents, thought it would be a good chance for you and DSS to have some quality time together

I'd stick with just "I'm taking DD over to Mum's today to see my grandparents". What he chooses to do with his child is up to him.

DashboardConfessional · 02/07/2022 19:45

How would you feel if you separated from your husband and his new wife suggested excluding your children.

"Excluding" them from going to see his new wife's mum and dad? Absolutely not fussed, at all!

DasGirl · 02/07/2022 19:51

GenItalienSchauen · 02/07/2022 19:35

Leaving both kids aside entirely, it’s nice for your parents to see you sometimes without your partner

This. I like seeing my DC with partners, and I like seeing them on their own. It's a different dynamic, and I wouldn't want it always to be one or the other.

Agree with this. It's nice to see your parents/grandparents on your own without DP sometimes. This thread has all focused around inclusion of stepchild but fundamentally the OP also wanted to see them without DP.
He needs to stop living in your pocket OP and letting you go off and do some things yourself sometimes. It's a bit weird to always have to do everything as a foursome

PinkSyCo · 02/07/2022 19:56

Of course YANBU. Your DSS would probably appreciate some quality time with just his dad too.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 20:11

If my husband tried to dictate to me about when I could see my parents and who I couldn’t or couldn’t take with me I’d tell him to fuck off to be frank

You’re not all joined at the hip

does your husband think he and his son come with your when you meet your pals for cocktails at too?!

ivykaty44 · 02/07/2022 20:16

They haven't done much I don't think other than nip to the park earlier.

thats a shame really as they had the opportunity to do something together, which is natural in any family.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 20:18

ivykaty44 · 02/07/2022 20:16

They haven't done much I don't think other than nip to the park earlier.

thats a shame really as they had the opportunity to do something together, which is natural in any family.

@ivykaty44

how do you mean?

Angrywife · 02/07/2022 20:22

Next time just say you're having a girly day!

Tandora · 02/07/2022 20:30

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 17:41

surely he’s not so thick as to not know that the way they feel about their biological grandchild will be different to the way they feel about their step grandchild?

I'm starting to wonder tbh.

out of interest , why is biology so important to your grandparents ?

Tandora · 02/07/2022 20:33

Youseethethingis1 · 02/07/2022 19:22

I see the tired old "surely when you marry a man with a child" line has been trotted out... Sigh.
There's nothing "surely" about other people's lives/families/relationships.
I have never been asked to pretend to be DSDs mother. She knows who I am, she knows who her parents are, she knows who my parents are. She knows she has family that aren't shared with DS, she knows she has family who are shared with DS. She has different relationships with different people than DS. They are different people with different families.
What in the name of fuck is wrong with being honest with kids and helping them understand their own reality?

there’s nothing wrong with it except when it upsets/ hurts step children, which often it does.

ivykaty44 · 02/07/2022 20:35

how do you mean?

the dad had the opportunity to do stuff one to one with his ds

without a 2 year old around it gives a great chance to go and do something more age appropriate, for example of the top of my head go carting or trampolining

it would have been great if he'd grabbed that time to do something like that

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 20:36

there’s nothing wrong with it except when it upsets/ hurts step children, which often it does.

Then the parent should not seek out another relationship, because they can only expect so much from others.

HS1990 · 02/07/2022 20:36

"DD and I are having a mum/daughter day and swinging my parents after X activity together. Why don't you have some quality time with DSS too?"

He doesn't need to know the actual activity you will do and you can always leave the house a bit earlier to make it seem believable.

saraclara · 02/07/2022 20:39

Tandora · 02/07/2022 20:30

out of interest , why is biology so important to your grandparents ?

Show quote history

I imagine for the same reason that a step mother, however find she is of a step child, will never feel as instinctive a love for then as they do the child that they have carried and given birth to.

Of course grandparents haven't given birth to their DGPs but there's still a very primitive response to the arrival of a baby grandchild and the primal connection that they have to them.

As I said in another thread, I was entirely unprepared for that when my DGD arrived. And however much I might accept and grow fond of any step sibling she might ever have, I can't imagine having quite such a fierce love and protective instinct for them as I have for my DGD.

I world never say that biology is important, but my subconscious would act that way.

Youseethethingis1 · 02/07/2022 21:03

there’s nothing wrong with it except when it upsets/ hurts step children, which often it does
The parent didn't do a very good job helping them understand who their relatives are and what they can expect of people then, did they?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/07/2022 21:07

Youseethethingis1 · 02/07/2022 21:03

there’s nothing wrong with it except when it upsets/ hurts step children, which often it does
The parent didn't do a very good job helping them understand who their relatives are and what they can expect of people then, did they?

Aye

ChampagneLassie · 02/07/2022 21:10

bloodyunicorns · 02/07/2022 09:24

Just tell him. 'I want to see my family on my own. You spend some one to one time with dss. You know, I want them to be able to focus on dd' and see what he says.

Agree just tell him truth. I don't think you need to tell whole truth - just GPS visiting I want to spend some time just me and DD with my family. Totally reasonable.

wellyelliebee · 02/07/2022 21:59

I'm another who thinks the dad is just trying to get out of taking responsibility for looking after his own child. A couple of weeks ago my DH was meeting his mum and gran for a meal. We have two sons and agreed that taking them both would be too much. So he took the younger one and the older son stayed with me. We spent the day doing all the stuff which it is usually hard for him to do with his kid brother around (playing board games, chilling in a cafe with a book, etc). The older one definitely thought he got the better deal, even though on paper the younger one got more treats. My point is, I think it's normal and good for children to spend quality time with family separately, regardless of whether they are step children or not.

wellyelliebee · 02/07/2022 22:01

(I should clarify- we thought both of them together would be too much for his gran, not for DH - because they are much more boisterous as pair and she is frail. She does see them together but it seemed the best way of managing a nice meal with lots of breakable stuff!)

diddl · 02/07/2022 22:13

Did the whole 'your parents love him, they won't mind, he'll want to see them' and wouldn't have it when I said they would also just like some time with us occasionally.

Perhaps he feels a bit "guilty" because his parents are in another country?

Did he even offer to come as well so that his could see your parents for a while & they could then go off together?

It's quite sad that he didn't seem to have done much wth his son.

Sisisimone · 02/07/2022 22:38

So your DP didn't do anything with his ds when you were gone? That tells you everything really doesn't it. A lot easier for him when ds goes off to your parents. I actually think it's very unfair of you be taking dss every week to your parents especially when his behaviour is bad. They clearly won't say anything because they want to see their granddaughter but it's not fair on them.