Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

[FrillyBobs]

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

Even if there were no DSS I think I would still want to spend time with my parents without DH. Can you say this? That it’s about time for you with your parents, not time without DH. I would find it utterly maddening if my DH dictated that all weekend activities must be attended by all members of the family together. At weekends sometimes I take both children, sometimes DH takes both, sometimes we have one each, sometimes we’re all together. You bring witbDD and your parents gives him one on one time with DSS, which I’ll bet DSS would love and which frankly DH should love too

That should say ‘not time without DSS’ not ‘not time without DH’

I think you need to point out to him that even unblended families do activities which don’t require them all to attend en masse. When does he take Ds to visit his own parents/ grandparents? Do you always go with him then?

It’s understandable that your DH is very keen to make sure his DS doesn’t feel excluded. I think that he’s become too focused on what’s ‘fair’ and he’s missing the bigger picture. It’s really healthy for children to get to spend one on one time with their parents. I think most 8 year old boys would rather spend a few hours with just their Dad than go with a 2 year old to see her grandparents and great grandparents. If your DP insists that you go everywhere together how does his DS get any time when he’s not having to compete with his sister for attention?

Doesn’t your DH’s parents want to see him?

This is what makes it hard I think because he LOVES seeing my parents. So yes I actually think given the choice he'd want to come.

But the purpose of THIS PARTICULAR visit is to see your grandparents (DD’s great-grandparents) and he’s not invited. So he doesn’t have the choice. Because he’s not invited…

Could they come and join you later, so they have some alone time with DD first?

This. Give DSS something more fun

I think it's important that a child spends time with each parent one on one, even with the parents still together. Can you suggest something exciting so he doesn't feel left out?

Ah, just saw that your DSS would want to go. It’s time for a talk with your DH about your DSS’ behaviour then.

Yes because everyone is too polite and giving him all the attention.

no one feels they can tell him off for talking too much and misbehaving.

So of course dss loves that. Any child would. It’s up to adults to set boundaries.

my sister was annoying for trying to hog all the attention when we were kids.

Just say it's just you and DD going this time as it"ll be too much for your grandparents (who I'm assuming are elderly) if there's more people/2 kids there.

Growing up with a similar age gap with my sibling it wasn’t at all unusual for one of our parents to take DS to see relatives and the other one to take me out to an art class or just for a walk. I think just be frank with your husband, say it’s sometimes nice for kids to have time on their own with a parent and you’d like to do that today.

point out that families where kids share the same parents do it. And maybe suggest something really fun for later you can all do together - barbecue, cinema night, swimming

They aren't in the country

Is there something DSS has been wanting to do that wouldn't be interesting / suitable for DD?

Something like 'DH my DGPs have said they'd like to go out today, so I'm going to take DD over this morning. I expect it will be all day, but I know DSS has been saying he wants to go to the Skatepark so maybe it's a good opportunity for you and him to have some quality time together without DD taking your attention?'

But it’s not really about that is it, it’s about sometimes just wanting to take one child to something.

The questions about seeing his mum / her family. She works a lot of weekends at the moment. We never actually used to have this set up but she changed jobs and no works weekends. She has about one a month off where we'll swap the days around so we have him in the week and her at weekend.

It's lovely that your DSS and DH are so fond of your parents - a testament to lots of love & kindness all round.

But there's nothing wrong with you & your DD spending a few hours with your Gpts.

We often divide up over the weekends especially as our children are getting older. I think it's pretty standard of many families.

Definitely introduce the concept of doing different things because the wants and needs of a two year old and a child of 8 are entirely different.

suggest a couple of alternatives as above and maybe suggest meeting up later for a pizza or something.

unfortunately you’ve left it quite late today, if DH is annoyed you might have to compromise- they come but go off for a game of tennis/ football while you do something he’d find really tedious like a princess tea party. Apologies for the stereotyping it’s an extreme example.

Ah. So your DH is overcompensating by appropriating your family into that role.

Still, whatever. Just say - as soon as possible, it’s 10am now! - “Mum says grandparents would love to see me & DD so I’m popping round. Maybe you and DSS could bake a cake/get stuff for dinner/see that movie he’s been after/have that Nintendo marathon/whatever and we’ll see you later.”

But OP has a trump card here, because DH's DD is his.

If she wasn't, would it be fair if DH took out only his son? Of course it isn't.

OP has made a number of excuses as to why she doesn't want to take the child out so I can understand why DH doesn't feel particularly happy. SHe hasn't accepted his son.

This I’d be having a serious conversation about the attention DD gets it sounds like son is being put 1 st and your DH doesn’t want to spend with his son alone - so I’d be having a conversation

Why doesn’t DH go to the hobby too? Sounds like a perfect chance for them to spend some time together, they could go to the hobby, maybe go with the friend and their parent to have a burger or something afterwards and come on to your parents in the afternoon.

And think of the future, until now it’s been easy as your daughter was a baby but soon she’ll have her own activities etc