Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

[FrillyBobs]

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

No, it's the grandparents who are out of the country. Glad you made the same mistake, I'm already on the naughty step.

Just because you can't read properly it doesn't mean the rest of us can't @beautyisthefaceisee

No one mentioned his mum's parents.

OP, there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your child. If would probably be nice for your husband to spend some 1:1 time with his son too.

Fuck me.

I'm obviously the first person ever on MN to read something wrongly.

They complain about their partners assuming things from them that they did not agree to and are not how they are willing to run their blended family.

And no, you don't always know what you're getting into because situations change, not to mention many step parents start off with no children and have no idea what living with someone else's will be like.

@beautyisthefaceisee no I haven’t read it wrong, one set of grandparents are out of the country, the other set have not been mentioned, but are not connected to OP and her husband.

If you only want to do this because DSS isn’t their biological grandchild, that’s unreasonable.

I don't think it is actually. Presumably dss has two sets of grandparents already?

@beautyisthefaceisee your English comprehension could use some work. The OP clearly said the DH’s parents live abroad but that her stepson’s mother’s parents, his other grandparents, live locally.
I assume your DD doesn’t go with your stepson to see his maternal grandparents every time? Didn’t think so. So why should he come with DD to her maternal grandparents every time?

Asofanear you, I would have thought getting together with someone with a child would mean situations like this would crop up alot, par for the course

You're going out for girls time with DD. Go get coffee. It's important to have 1 on 1 time with your kids.

Then just happen to drop by your parents later.

OP I'm afraid your going to have to bite the bullet and have an awkward conversation with your husband. YANBU to want to spend some time with your parents without your dh and dss. Are you really going to spend the rest of your life doing things you don't like so as not to offend your husband. He's an adult and will have to get over it.

As others have said, it's normal for families to do different activities, especially with such big age gaps. Your husband is hypersensitive because of the situation but again that's HIS problem and he will have to get over it.

Have you read the OP?

If it’s only a one off then it’s fine, but really he is your family and spends half his time with you, and so should be included mostly. It’s sad for him you don’t see it this way.

Just cite the age difference and say you’d say the same thing if you had two biological children of those ages. Occasionally it’s good to mix and match combinations.

Speaking as a grandparent with a step grandchild there are honestly times where I want to spent time with my grandchild alone.

The part that pisses me off most is your DH undermining you by asking your parents and not just accepting what you say.

There is no need to offer a sweetener of takeaway, tea or a movie as if you have something to make up for. Your grandparents are there for a rare visit and you want to take DD alone you will be back later.

Ideally it would be on a weekend where DSS is at his mums but its not. Unfortunately I don't think you will enjoy it as you will feel uncomfortable because of your DH reaction.

Maybe this is the time to have that discussion about you spending time how you want to and not how he wants to?

Doesn't matter if he's got 73 grandads (please let's not go into the grandparent debate again after I was the worst guy ever for misunderstanding where they live).

The point is they're a blended family. OP doesn't like that the boy gets attention (which to be honest is more to do with age than anything else, a 2 year old in a pram or sitting with OP is not going to need as full on a conversation as an 8 year old boy). There are no issues with behaviour, OP retracted that later on, it's all to do with OP just wanting attention on her child. I personally believe that's wrong, and I really feel for the DSS in this as it has been made abundanltly clear he is only welcome if and when it suits OP.

I don't think you can marry into a blended family and then do that, but that's just my opinion. As I've said upthread, the supportive PPs wouldn't be if it was DH behaving in the manner about his child.

It's been said I take it personally, but it's not that - I don't know OP. But children being excluded on biology does bother me - OP would not be having this conversation if the same child was hers, this is purely about his parentage and hee haw to do with his behaviuor.

Yet another post you have read incorrectly @beautyisthefaceisee

OP didn’t go back on anything. She said she thinks dss has challenging behaviours, but her DH refuses to see it.

You seem to do this on threads, just read what you want to read, not what the op has actually said.

So could yours - I've been corrected 4 times already and already acknowledged it. Thanks though.

Well, you're assuming I have a DD, stepson and maternal grandparents which is an odd assumption.

Re comprehension - if you read super carefully, and use yours, instead of being rude, I have already said I understand why OP wants to take the child alone to her grandparents and spend some quality time. What I didn't agree with was the attitude towards the child. And I'm somewhat surprised I'm alone in this.

This isn't as hard as your DH is making it!

Tell DH you're having a girls day out (and if you must say, that you're meeting up with your Mum, DH doesn't need to know that DF is there)

He can have a boys day with DSS . (If he rings your dad, your Dad can be busy or not answer)

Surely your DH isn't that controlling that you're not allowed out on your own with DD?

It sounds like your DH doesn't see you as an individual or your DD. I have 3 DCs and regularly have time with just one or two of them whilst the other is at a friends or even with my DParents.

You're also allowed to spend time with just your DD or your Mum , see your parents on your own or your friends without DH and DSS tagging along all the time!!! That's suffocating, no wonder you don't want him coming this time.

DH must have friends he can hang out with. Or he can occupy himself. (Another PP said it sounds like he wants you all together so he isn't parenting DSS in his own...)

She hasn’t retracted anything. You are wilfully misunderstanding what everyone else can read correctly.

So when doe DSS get his sole attention with the grandparents?

When he is with his own grandparents

No family does everything together. If DSS was not a step child but both your child also there would be plenty of time where you only take one child somewhere. You have every right to take your child on your own. Let husband and his son have some time together

I do actually think having one on one time with each child is really important. Even if they don't choose to say a word, the fact that they have undivided attention and the opportunity to talk confidentially is so valuable. It's not about exclusion, it's about privacy and confidentiality. They can talk about school and friends and he'd be giving his son that chance too. I'd frame it in a positive way.

No, she didn't.

She said "he has challenging behaviour, DH thinks it's just kid stuff, which it probably is".

So it's not challenging behaviour, is it?

Re your last post - I'm not engaging, and you should be aware that bringing discussions from threads into other threads is against MN etiquette, the mods take a dim view and it can be reported. I'm slightly weirded out by your tracking of my movements on threads. Reading what I want to read and just completely disagreeing with you are two separate things, and only highlight your arrogance.

Did it not fill you full of enough importance the first time you wrote this, that you needed to write it twice?

This

ODFOD!!

Did you even read the OP before you stuck the boot in? Ridiculous comment.