Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
PurpleWisteria · 02/07/2022 09:33

Tell him DSS's behaviour is a problem and your family want to spend time with DD with no distractions.

He must know DSS is a pain.

Geneviev · 02/07/2022 09:35

Tell him DSS's behaviour is a problem and your family want to spend time with DD with no distractions

yes do this. And then report back.

lancsgirl85 · 02/07/2022 09:36

PurpleWisteria · 02/07/2022 09:33

Tell him DSS's behaviour is a problem and your family want to spend time with DD with no distractions.

He must know DSS is a pain.

This is what I'd say too. But my DP isn't defensive and weird about me doing my own thing when his kids are over, because he likes to do his own thing with them sometimes, too. And if their behaviour was an issue he would be fully aware of that and understand where I was coming from. So I'd have no issue saying it exactly as it is.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/07/2022 09:36

DucklingDaisy · 02/07/2022 09:32

if DSS was your own DS, can you still imagine wanting to give your DD some individual time with her grandparents? If so, not at all unreasonable. (I can imagine doing this in the circumstances you describe.)

If you only want to do this because DSS isn’t their biological grandchild, that’s unreasonable.

How is it unreasonable though? He's not their grandchild. Logic like this really pisses me off.

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 09:37

“Hey DH, mum just told me grandparents would love to see DD today before they go home so I’ll pop over to parents with her, back about 5pm. Shall we plan a movie tonight with DSS or something?”

SausagePourHomme · 02/07/2022 09:37

if you don't have the freedom to say "i'm off to see my parents while you're at x with dss", that's a problem in itself

GenItalienSchauen · 02/07/2022 09:37

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 09:32

You sound like you do want to exclude him, Op. Does that happen often?

You forgot the head tilt emoji.

OP, I'd just come clean and say that you're taking your DD to see your parents/grandparents, and that it would be nice for them to see just the two of you as it doesn't happen very often.

If he sulks, which he probably will, ignore it and crack on with your day.

OwlinaTree · 02/07/2022 09:38

This is a tricky one. Your DH is seeing you all as a family but you do not. You are saying that you want you child to have more time with your parents than your DS because she is yours and DSS is an outsider.

I think you will need to have a chat with your DH and say you want to have some time with your parents on your own occasionally. Tbh, I often see mine on my own and so does my DH, but we take the kids with us.

Oh the whole I think YABU sorry.

Thehop · 02/07/2022 09:38

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 09:37

“Hey DH, mum just told me grandparents would love to see DD today before they go home so I’ll pop over to parents with her, back about 5pm. Shall we plan a movie tonight with DSS or something?”

This. Perfect.

the fact that you’re so worried is concerning.

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:39

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 09:32

You sound like you do want to exclude him, Op. Does that happen often?

Well yes I'd rather him not come.

No it doesn't happen often.

OP posts:
lancsgirl85 · 02/07/2022 09:40

You are saying that you want you child to have more time with your parents than your DS because she is yours and DSS is an outsider.

Except OP definitely didn't say this, did she.
She said his behaviour is hard work and she wants her parents to enjoy their grandchild without the distraction of having 99% of the attention on another child and his poor behaviour.

Geneviev · 02/07/2022 09:40

It’s a weird split of time though. Doesn’t he spend any quality time with his mum and her family?

ManateeFair · 02/07/2022 09:40

I would have thought DSS would actually love a day with his dad without a toddler getting in the way.

The age gap between me and my brother (same parents) is the same as the gap between your DD and DSS. We didn’t do all the same things when we were kids because two kids six years apart have different needs and interests, so I don’t see why one kid can’t do their hobby while the other one sees grandparents, regardless of whether they’re step-siblings or half-siblings or full siblings.

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:40

You are saying that you want you child to have more time with your parents

Yes I do, and I believe they feel the same to be honest.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 09:41

Do you all always spend all weekend together as a 4? I just can’t think how this goes - we’re always free to make plans in various combinations of people and just communicate it breezily.

lancsgirl85 · 02/07/2022 09:42

I would have thought DSS would actually love a day with his dad without a toddler getting in the way.

Exactly. DP and I have a toddler together, and he has 2 older kids from previous marriage. He really enjoys the opportunity to spend quality time with them occasionally while I do something separately with our younger DD. Why wouldn't he? It's odd to me to insist on every child being included in exactly the same outing or activity every weekend ..... just bizarre. Occasionally, yes. But every time? No.

lancsgirl85 · 02/07/2022 09:42

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 09:41

Do you all always spend all weekend together as a 4? I just can’t think how this goes - we’re always free to make plans in various combinations of people and just communicate it breezily.

Yep. Same.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 09:43

Its not fair that dss gets all the attention due to his behaviour.

even if they were both your own children that would be annoying.

kids don’t have to do everything together. You need to start setting boundaries.

anotherneutralname · 02/07/2022 09:43

Sensible advice on here already - if the two children were full siblings, it would be totally normal for a parent to take one each to different activities sometimes, especially with a 6 yr age gap.

I too think this is more “I don’t want to parent on my own” from your DH than “everything has to be the same”. Presumably DSS has other family on his mum’s side that he sees sometimes anyway. Regardless, what’s going to happen when DD has a weekend play date? Is your DH going to think DS should go to that too?!

8 is a good age to be able to find an activity father and son can do together as “their thing”. And if DSS is playing up on outings, maybe he’s not exactly having the time of his life either, and would prefer to do something else.

RandomMess · 02/07/2022 09:44

You phrase it "DSS really needs some one to one time with you and my parents want some one to one time with DD"

Mally100 · 02/07/2022 09:44

Yanbu at all. Putting it bluntly your dss isn't any relation to them and rightly so they want to spend time with their gc. I would be pissed off at never having this one on one time with my own child with their family. And as he gets alot of the attention this would irritate Me more. Your dss gets the undivided attention from his mums side so it's unfair that your dd doesn't. You need to be straight here with your dh.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/07/2022 09:46

Would an 8yo boy really enjoy a visit to his DSMs parents and grandparents with a small child more than doing something with his dad?

Howeverdoyouneedme · 02/07/2022 09:47

Your husband sounds a touch controlling, he’s basically telling you what you can and can’t do.

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:49

ErrolTheDragon · 02/07/2022 09:46

Would an 8yo boy really enjoy a visit to his DSMs parents and grandparents with a small child more than doing something with his dad?

This is what makes it hard I think because he LOVES seeing my parents. So yes I actually think given the choice he'd want to come.

OP posts:
Zaccat1 · 02/07/2022 09:49

What about - hey I’m taking DD to see my grandparents today. Why don’t you take DSS to the new Minion’s/Buzz Movie or Trampoline park as DD is too little. I’ll be back at ….