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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
violetbunny · 02/07/2022 10:16

Just let DH be offended then. He is the one with the problem.

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 10:16

Yes, they're out of the country.

I said DHs family are out of the country. His mum's live locally.

OP posts:
Nothappyatwork · 02/07/2022 10:17

He’s probably hypersensitive because of the situation but we used to give our children one to one time with each of us as parents and with the grandparents it’s really important and the kids get the opportunity to be the sole focus of somebody’s attention

Justleaveitblankthen · 02/07/2022 10:17

Agree with PPS here. It's still important to spend some alone time with just one DC being the focus of attention, even if DS was your own son. Does his own DM work through every weekend, or is it just how the 50/50 contact works? Seems a shame his DM or his own DGP (if he has them) don't have quality weekend time with him.
Your DH is playing this deliberately IMO. It suits his own needs. He doesn't want to parent his DS all alone - not even for a single day?!

I honestly wouldn't even ask him. I would tell him Wink

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:17

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 10:14

Yes sometimes I'd like the attention to be on DD. I didn't say every time.

Show quote history

But what exactly is it that the son does, other than the fact he's older and not yours, that detracts all the attention? You cited challenging behaviour but you appear to have gone back on this.

If DD was your 8 year old child with no grandparents and everyone was all over the 2 year old (who presumably behaves impeccably) and DH wanted to leave her at home so his parents could just fawn over the 2 year old, would you be happy about this? No. And posters would be up in arms about the treatment.

I'm not having a go at you personally, OP. But i do think you have a very skewed version of the situation and I think DH has a reason to have a grievance with it.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 02/07/2022 10:17

If you momentarily ignore the half brother/ step son element - it is totally reasonable to take your 2 yo daughter to do things and go places without being constantly accompanied by her big bro. In this instance the extra consideration is appropriate to make sure dss doesn't feel left out or unwanted. The hobby and some time with his Dad doing something that might not be so easy to do with a 2 year old in tow sounds like a perfect accommodation (lunch out with his Dad, PG or 12 action type movie?).

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:17

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 10:16

Yes, they're out of the country.

I said DHs family are out of the country. His mum's live locally.

Someone asked if he had grandparents. You said they're out of the country. So mum lives locally now?

aSofaNearYou · 02/07/2022 10:17

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 10:12

A blended family should be just that, whilst of course it would be nice to sometimes do separate things, you knew he had a child when you got together with him

There is no "should" about it. Blended families vary enormously. My DP knowingly got into a relationship with me where his relationship with his DS would be largely separate from mine and my parents relationship with my DD, and that this was something he would need to accept and navigate. Knowing beforehand goes both ways. The opinion that becoming a step parent is akin to adopting the child is no more valid than the opinion that it is not.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:18

Nothappyatwork · 02/07/2022 10:17

He’s probably hypersensitive because of the situation but we used to give our children one to one time with each of us as parents and with the grandparents it’s really important and the kids get the opportunity to be the sole focus of somebody’s attention

So when doe DSS get his sole attention with the grandparents? Or does he not get any because he's not OP's child?

Staynow · 02/07/2022 10:18

Maybe DSS's behaviour would be better if he got some one to one time with his dad rather than his dad making him attend all your families events. If I was DSS I know which I'd prefer. I think you'd be doing them both a favour by making him spend some one on one with his son.

Notonthestairs · 02/07/2022 10:18

We divide up at the weekends - DH and DD love shopping, I don't so I take DS to tennis and sit around (on MN).
I take DD to the garden centre (shopping I enjoy) and DH does dog walk with DS.
We don't go as a unit to everything.

Staynow · 02/07/2022 10:19

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:18

So when doe DSS get his sole attention with the grandparents? Or does he not get any because he's not OP's child?

Show quote history

But he's got his own two sets of biological grandparents, why isn't he being taken to see them?

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:19

FWIW, I think it's nice OP wants to take the little one to her grandparents on her own. I think that's fine.

It's the attitude towards the child that doesn't sit right with me.

BattenburgDonkey · 02/07/2022 10:20

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:14

Why are you "putting aside" the fact she doesn't want the DH's child?

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread. If DH was behaving as OP is, it would be reversed. This is all because he's a man, and the child isn't hers.

Show quote history

Putting it aside because I don’t agree with her reasoning of him not being her child, but decided not to further have a go at her for it because it’s not particularly relevant to my answer as I think it’s normal to be able to separate off on weekends, I agree with her wanting to go off alone, but think it’s mean she just doesn’t want the kid around, coming from a blended family impacts my feelings on it, I’m a fellow human with different life experience to you and am allowed to have different opinions, is that ok with you? Bizarre that you pulled me up for not further reprimanding the OP when you think my opinion is wrong.

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 10:20

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:17

Someone asked if he had grandparents. You said they're out of the country. So mum lives locally now?

Show quote history

Erm no.. that person specifically mentioned DHs parents, I even quoted them in my reply. I never mentioned their mum's parents until you wrongly suggested he had none in the country. You seem to have taken this very personally.

OP posts:
Momicrone · 02/07/2022 10:20

Asofanearyou, fair point, but alot of people complain about step kids after getting together with people with kids, surely they knew what they were getting into?

GabriellaMontez · 02/07/2022 10:20

So when doe DSS get his sole attention with the grandparents? Or does he not get any because he's not OP's child

When he visits his own grandparents overseas.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:20

Staynow · 02/07/2022 10:19

But he's got his own two sets of biological grandparents, why isn't he being taken to see them?

Show quote history

OP originally said they were out of the country but in later posts they appear to have moved back.

We don't have the full story re the grandparents as OP writes about DD sympathetically and DSS negatively.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:21

GabriellaMontez · 02/07/2022 10:20

So when doe DSS get his sole attention with the grandparents? Or does he not get any because he's not OP's child

When he visits his own grandparents overseas.

And that will be OK will it - DH off on holiday with his son and OP at home with the 2 year old?

If OP would be fine with that, I take it back. But somehow I don't think she would.

TimBoothseyes · 02/07/2022 10:21

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:17

Someone asked if he had grandparents. You said they're out of the country. So mum lives locally now?

Show quote history

NO. if you'd read it properly you would see that DH's family are out of the country but the boy's mother lives locally. Maybe start reading things instead of making assumptions.

GabriellaMontez · 02/07/2022 10:21

@beautyisthefaceisee is the dss.

BattenburgDonkey · 02/07/2022 10:21

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:17

Someone asked if he had grandparents. You said they're out of the country. So mum lives locally now?

Show quote history

They asked if the kid wanted to see DHs parents, who are out of the country. The kid has a mum who probably also has parents, but I imagine it’d be odd if DH took his son to see his ex wife’s parents.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:21

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 10:20

Erm no.. that person specifically mentioned DHs parents, I even quoted them in my reply. I never mentioned their mum's parents until you wrongly suggested he had none in the country. You seem to have taken this very personally.

Show quote history

I haven't taken anything personally. But I don't like to see a child being excluded and spoken about negatively based on biology, and that is what is going on here.

So as PP have asked, does DSS get to see his grandparents?

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:22

GabriellaMontez · 02/07/2022 10:21

@beautyisthefaceisee is the dss.

You got me there. School holidays and all that.

Viviennemary · 02/07/2022 10:23

The whole thing is really sad. I don't blamd you for wanting to spend time with your parents. But it is sad for this child who seems to be nobodys priority. Could you not arrange it so one weekend you see your parents alone with your DD and thd next you arrange to go somewhere your DSS would enjoy.