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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you feel if someone asked you this question?

204 replies

coulditbeyou · 01/07/2022 09:14

If you knew who their bio dad was?

The mum is long dead, and you were friends with her when your kids were both babies, 40 years ago.

Assuming you knew the answer, how would you feel about receiving a message asking the question, and how would you respond?

OP posts:

Trulyweird1 · 01/07/2022 09:20

Tough question for you. Is the person whom the ‘child’ called Dad still alive? if so, I would tread very carefully, probably ask why they thought it wasn’t ‘dad’, and ask them to talk to him first. Certainly find out what triggered the question.

If not, and I had bona fide information I could share, then I would, but not by email , face to face, if possible, if not then a good phone conversation. Include all the relevant info that you have - mum’s state of mind etc .

i know if I had got to the point of asking the question, I would be desperate for the truth.

MatildaTheCat · 01/07/2022 09:21

I’d be very inclined to tell them whatever I knew. They are clearly desperate to know. Need more info though to be definite.

geojellyfish · 01/07/2022 09:22

This isn't about you and how you feel unless they are related to you.

In her position, I'd want to know and would hope that if someone else knew and I asked them specifically that they would tell me.

Mally100 · 01/07/2022 09:25

I would have to tell them. I can't imagine that such a crucial part of your life is still in limbo and I wouldn't want to be contribute to that. It's a tough one, but they are asking out of desperation I would think.

fabicelolly · 01/07/2022 09:26

I would share what I knew, face to face and gently. The truth is always better as it will help the person who asked resolving whatever inner conflict they’re facing that led them to ask. Any hurt/pain may come out but needs to be faced to heal.

Josette77 · 01/07/2022 09:29

I would tell them.

courtrai · 01/07/2022 09:37

Why would you not tell them what you knew?

Arenanewbie · 01/07/2022 09:39

I agree with @Trulyweird1 points Also are you 100% sure that you know the truth? How do you know it? What were the reasons for the situation? Depending on the answers I would tell the truth but in a gentle way saying it’s highly likely rather then it’s certain because even if their mum told you something 40 years ago she could be mistaken genuinely.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/07/2022 09:42

I would tell them what I had been told, unless there was a reason they would be better off not knowing (for example if it would bring them in contact with a person or family who were actually dangerous).

FuchsAndMöhr · 01/07/2022 09:44

I think the person asking deserves to know the truth above anything else!

SpringSparrow · 01/07/2022 09:46

I’d think that the person deserved to know who their biological parent was and tell them what I had been told. I don’t understand the the bit about how I’d feel about it tho. Are you thinking of asking someone?

Dirtylittleroses · 01/07/2022 09:48

Is it the child? I’d tell them in a flash. Why would you deny them

brokengoalposts · 01/07/2022 09:48

I'd be honest and factual, try to leave emotions and opinions aside, so don't comment on how you think anyone else felt or feels.

SunshineAndFizz · 01/07/2022 09:49

Yeah you've got to tell them really. Everyone deserves the truth.

KangarooKenny · 01/07/2022 09:55

I’d have told them long ago, I wouldn’t wit to be asked.

Electriq · 01/07/2022 09:59

I'm watching my family member going through this in his later life, his mum won't tell him (still alive) 2 x men he was told must be them, no dna match, lots of other lies (must have been swapped at birth etc so dna to prove his mum was his mum)
It's absolutely ruined him and the entire family, and he will probably never know.

Please tell what you know, even if it turns out to not be true.

DjoChateaux · 01/07/2022 10:01

I would feel sad that a child doesn't know who their real father is and is questioning who they are. I've been a child who didn't know their biological father for 20+ years.

You should tell the daughter what you know. What she does with that information is up to her.

ReneBumsWombats · 01/07/2022 10:01

I'd tell them, unless there were some exceptional circumstances that would mean it was better not to.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/07/2022 10:02

If the mums dead I'd tell them what I knew. They have a right to know their parentage

AlisonDonut · 01/07/2022 10:04

If someone asked me if I knew who their father was I'd say yes.

If I knew who their father was.

Or no if I didn't.

And then I'd arrange to meet up with them and tell them some history face to face, if I knew that history.

MaChienEstUnDick · 01/07/2022 10:04

If a 40 year old is asking this question, don't you think they'll have good reasons for it?

I would tell them what I know, of course I would.

Original poster

coulditbeyou · 01/07/2022 10:07

Thanks for the replies.

I am the 40 year old child.

I didn't mean to mislead you all. I just wanted to see how this lady might feel, as I know it could be really awkward for her.

I have no idea if she even knows, but obviously if she doesn't, it's a lot less awkward for her.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Pyewhacket · 01/07/2022 10:08

But how would you KNOW, unless the bio dad or mother confided in you, and nobody else it seems !. Otherwise, it's just gossip or rumour. I'd be careful either way.

Luidaeg · 01/07/2022 10:11

Oh, you want to ask this lady if she knows who YOUR father is ?

DjoChateaux · 01/07/2022 10:13