Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if someone asked you this question?

204 replies

coulditbeyou · 01/07/2022 09:14

If you knew who their bio dad was?

The mum is long dead, and you were friends with her when your kids were both babies, 40 years ago.

Assuming you knew the answer, how would you feel about receiving a message asking the question, and how would you respond?

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 01/07/2022 11:11

neednt be awkward
although he may not open up immediately.

perhaps a letter to both of these contacts

Bunty55 · 01/07/2022 11:13

I know who the real dad's are to one or two of my daughter's friends. I would not dream of saying so even if asked since I was not there at the conception and it's not my business to gossip.
Too sensitive a subject to get involved in/mud slung at

SurpriseSurprise · 01/07/2022 11:16

I’d definitely ask her.

Was it your uncle who brought you up after your mum died? If so he may well know something

WinterMusings · 01/07/2022 11:22

I'm sorry you lost your Mum so young x

How did you get on with your 'Dad'? Who brought you up after they both died? Would they not know?

Do you know for definite that your 'Dad' wasn't your father?

I would ask the woman, with a lot of 'padding' but she might not know anything other than assuming your 'Dad' was your father ?!

were they married?

I hope you find out.

Irishfarmer · 01/07/2022 11:24

I'd ask your uncle and I'd ask your mams friend. Worst they can say is they don't know.

I did have a name (which is so so common, think John Smith, it didn't actually help a lot!) but I didn't know my dad so I do understand the desire to know who he is/ was. I'm sure you are aware it may not be the ending you'd like. I have cut contact with my bio dad again. But that was my choice. Your dad may not even know you exist, mine did so it's a different situation.

In saying all that I know that the bio dad of an old friends DS is not who he thinks it is. She had very good reasons to keep bio dad as far from DS as possible

queenrollo · 01/07/2022 11:25

I hope you can find the answer you need.
My situation is slightly different in that I actually found out who my biological father is when I was 13, but into adulthood no-one would ever answer my questions about him and it was very distressing for me.
People here saying they wouldn't tell - it's honestly better to know and process the truth, however unsavoury it may be, than to spend your whole life with no answer to something which eats away at you.

Trivester · 01/07/2022 11:46

I wouldn’t send a message asking - it’s a question I’d want to ask face to face, rather than have someone overthinking it.

And if I was asked, I’d consider it very much a tea and cake kind of conversation.

So why not ask to meet up for a cup of tea and take it from there?

5128gap · 01/07/2022 11:50

I would tell you anything I knew. It would be very arrogant to appoint myself gatekeeper of such personal information and decide I was best placed to judge what a 40 year old woman should know about herself at her request.

perimenofertility · 01/07/2022 12:21

How she feels about receiving the message will depend on what she knows about the situation and how close she was to it. For example, if the two mums were friends, is there a suggestion that the husband of the friend fathered a child (you) with your mum? In which case, receiving the question would be awkward.
If it's just a search for knowledge then no harm in asking, if it was me I'd give any information I knew. You could phrase it something like that you are researching your family history, and you've always suspected the man who raised you wasn't your biological father, but as your parents died when you were so young the conversation was never had, and as mum's friend, was it something she ever discussed with her.
Good luck with it. I'm sorry your parents died when you were so little, I hope you've gone on to have a good life.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 01/07/2022 12:29

You have every right to know, OP. I do hope those with information tell it to you. OK it may be disturbing for your biological father and his family. But as the resulting child, your needs should take priority.

Also, it's not just curiosity. Your parentage affects your health. At cancer screenings, for example, I've been asked if any relatives died of cancer and if so what kind. That helps in making a diagnosis.

GoldenSongbird · 01/07/2022 12:30

I think I'd ask her and explain everything you have put here ie your 'dad' has died; your mum's other friends don't know; and that you're also using Ancestry. It lets her see that you've tried other avenues and that you're seriously looking into this and it isn't just a whim. Of course, she may not know and what she thinks she knows may not be accurate - but as long as you're aware of those provisos - then ask.
I'm so sorry you lost your mum and your father figure so young Flowers

PipeScatter · 01/07/2022 12:33

I know people that have found relatives they didn't know they had (half-siblings) via Ancestry so you may find something. Even if you don't now, at least you will be on record if someone else does it later (which is how my friend found out).

I think you can otherwise contact the friend and ask, but perhaps acknowledge in your contact that you appreciate it might put them in an awkward position.

I assume you know none of the history at all? There is a possibility it wasn't a good story behind why you were never told, and you should brace yourself for that.

mam0918 · 01/07/2022 12:41

They have a right to know.

What if they are asking now because they have or suspect a genetic medical issue that doesnt come from their mam etc... they dont have to dislose their private issues to be entitled to an answer though.

I know who my bio dad is, my step dad is still my real dad though... I also known friends who didnt know who their bio family was and watched it distroy their mental health (one friend of mine became so obsessed with the fact she could accidently sleep with a sibling without knowing that she went completely off the deep end).

SettingsO · 01/07/2022 12:53

It’s confusing because in your OP it’s not clear that the person your mum was married to isn’t your father, also the OP is a little unclear on who is who.

Slutdrop · 01/07/2022 13:01

@queenrollo that's so sad. I found out my dad wasn't my biological dad when I was 15. Nobody wanted to answer questions and wanted to brush it under the carpet. I had a name but couldn't find anyone who knew him, after months of facebook searches, and someone very unkindly leading me on telling me she knew him well and that he was a property millionaire and I should look into my inheritance (which I wasn't bothered about) I just wanted to see what he looked like, if I shared any traits with him, etc Last year I finally found out through Ancestry that he had died in 2010. I was distraught even though I'd never known him. He also had 2 sons (my half brothers) who had also died, one only just before I found out about them in November 2021. Sorry for the long reply. It still upsets me now, even though I have a photograph of him, and I've met my niece who is 20 years old.

SkeletonFight · 01/07/2022 13:03

I'm sorry but have I missed the bit where you say how you know that your bio Dad was someone else other than the man who reared you ? Who told you this?

2bazookas · 01/07/2022 13:07

I was asked exactly that question, out of the blue, by a total stranger whose existence I'd never heard of. He had tracked me down ( unusual name) . He knew me, my life, my mother (very well) and is, her sisters child, my cousin. Our parents were dead. His mother refused to speak of his father. He thought mine knew, and might have told me .

Mother did know but didn't tell me. I found out... elsewhere. Having found it, I understood why both our mothers, and the entire family, had decided decades ago for very good reason, what my aunts children should never know about their father. They all took enormous, very painful, sacrificial steps to protect his children. So I lied to my cousin for his own sake.

There are some things a child should never have to know, and this was one.

Lovelydovey · 01/07/2022 13:17

I think I would have to tell them. My aunt was horribly traumatised when my DGM died and still hadn’t told her who her bio dad was - except to say it was someone she had met at some point in her life. I couldn’t knowingly deprive someone of that info - especially if there was no-one else who could tell them.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 01/07/2022 13:23

I'd feel very sorry that they had to ask, and I'd tell them whatever I knew.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 01/07/2022 13:23

I would tell anyone who asked me any information that I had.

I think it's morally wrong for anyone else to withhold information like that. No one has the right to decide on someone else's behalf what information should be shared.

I would be prepared for the fact they may not know. I've had relationships in the past that every few if any people are aware of.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 01/07/2022 13:30

There are some things a child should never have to know, and this was one.

This wasn't a child but someone old enough to track you down. And you had absolutely no right to lie to him. Whether he's the product of incest, the son of a notorious serial killer, or the love child of Putin, he deserves to know. You did very wrong.

MrJi · 01/07/2022 13:40

I would tell you if I knew. I think it is totally reasonable that you want to know and would ask. We all want to know where we come from.
Good luck. I hope you get answers.

Ihatemyroad · 01/07/2022 13:59

I would be truthful.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2022 14:00

She may not know if your mother was keeping it so secret. Did your mother ever say why she wouldn't tell you?

billy1966 · 01/07/2022 14:04

OP, you have every right to ask and unless their was some compelling reason to protect you from the truth, I would tell you.

Good luck.