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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if someone asked you this question?

204 replies

coulditbeyou · 01/07/2022 09:14

If you knew who their bio dad was?

The mum is long dead, and you were friends with her when your kids were both babies, 40 years ago.

Assuming you knew the answer, how would you feel about receiving a message asking the question, and how would you respond?

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 01/07/2022 17:41

It would not feel awkward at all telling a friends dc any information I had and would happily help with tracking down any other contact names if I could.

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 01/07/2022 20:04

Okay, I am going to message her.

How does this sound?

Hi Jane,

How are you? Hope you're doing well.

I hope you don't mind me asking you this question, but it is something I've been wondering about for a long time and I have asked most of the people I can think of, without much luck.

Since you were friends with my mum when I was a baby, do you happen to know anything of my biological dad?

Curiosity has gotten the better of me, and any info you might have would really be appreciated.

Thanks,

coulditbeyou

But... having read back the few messages she sent me last year, it seems she's had a hard few years. Which makes me worry about putting an additional pressure on her.

What do you think?

OP posts:
AmJustDone · 01/07/2022 21:07

I think that sounds fine. Perhaps add in that you don't want to bother her etc?

ChateauMargaux · 01/07/2022 21:25

Your message sounds fine.. I don't think you need to be any more apologetic.. your mesaage is polite.

(I have recently adopted the strategy of neither apologising nor expecting apologies .. just being polite and rolling over the rest.. when I am too apologetic I think people see that gap and weigh in to it.. if I expect an apology for some wrong doing, they turn it on me.. so riding the middle road is bringing me a lot more calm in my life.)

chiffchaffchiff · 01/07/2022 21:44

It doesn't sound like you're putting pressure on her.

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 01/07/2022 21:58

Okay, thanks for the replies.

I will pluck up the courage to message her tomorrow.

OP posts:
SpringSparrow · 01/07/2022 23:44

Good luck, fingers crossed you get some helpful news.

Sswhinesthebest · 02/07/2022 05:40

I’d be even stronger in my message.

I’d say “the need to know is really eating away at me”
and
”if you don’t know, can you possibly think of anyone else I can contact, that might know please?”

Good luck op.

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 02/07/2022 11:54

I've sent it. She has read it, but not replied.

I hope I haven't freaked her out Sad

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/07/2022 12:06

I hope I haven't freaked her out

I doubt you have freaked her out but you knew what the message was going to say and this lady as just received this out of the blue. Give her a little time to digest this and also possibly think about events that happened back at the time you were born etc.

I hope that she has some answers for you

MrJi · 02/07/2022 12:11

2bazookas · 01/07/2022 13:07

I was asked exactly that question, out of the blue, by a total stranger whose existence I'd never heard of. He had tracked me down ( unusual name) . He knew me, my life, my mother (very well) and is, her sisters child, my cousin. Our parents were dead. His mother refused to speak of his father. He thought mine knew, and might have told me .

Mother did know but didn't tell me. I found out... elsewhere. Having found it, I understood why both our mothers, and the entire family, had decided decades ago for very good reason, what my aunts children should never know about their father. They all took enormous, very painful, sacrificial steps to protect his children. So I lied to my cousin for his own sake.

There are some things a child should never have to know, and this was one.

I can totally understand wanting to protect someone if their biological father was an evil person, but with dna technology now, anyone can get a rough idea of their origins, particularly if the parents were from different places, and the truth is likely to emerge eventually. I feel that even if a father was evil, the truth, however painful, belongs to that child. Better to hear it from someone who cares about you than finding out accidentally.
Very difficult call to make though.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/07/2022 12:31

op i think a face to face meeting would be more appropriate
suggest you send a message asking to meet for coffee or something

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 02/07/2022 12:33

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/07/2022 12:31

op i think a face to face meeting would be more appropriate
suggest you send a message asking to meet for coffee or something

I've already messaged and asked her my question.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/07/2022 12:34

i know,
i mean send a follow up
even if she doesnt know it would friendly to touch base

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/07/2022 12:35

personally i dont think it is a text worthy discussion

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 02/07/2022 12:40

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/07/2022 12:34

i know,
i mean send a follow up
even if she doesnt know it would friendly to touch base

I think she would have found it really odd for me to message and ask to meet up with no explanation, and us never being in touch apart from the few messages last year.

Now that she knows my question, I'm more than happy to do that if she suggests it.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/07/2022 13:45

i am sure you know what is best
hope you find satisfaction op

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 02/07/2022 15:05

She's replied now. She doesn't know anything, but has offered to contact another neighbour whose name I've never heard of, so that was good of her.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/07/2022 16:14

very good op
best of luck

menopausalbloat · 02/07/2022 17:40

I would love to know who my bio dad is too. I've uploaded my DNA to a few sites in the hope I'll come across siblings etc.

Ginandtonics · 02/07/2022 17:53

Important information regarding potential genetic inheritance, are the any inherited diseases in the family. Knowledge of this sort can be truly life changing.

Lizzy53 · 02/07/2022 18:10

But it's not all about you is it.? Its their life! And they deserve the truth or information.

Hmm1234 · 02/07/2022 18:13

I would tell them child could of been adopted and searching for answers which are guarded by the courts

Strangeways19 · 02/07/2022 18:17

Yes op hi ahead & ask what they know, say it's ok if they don't necessarily know for certain but some idea is better than none
Google luck

impossible · 02/07/2022 18:25

Good luck OP. That was a brave move - I hope you get some results.

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