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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel if someone asked you this question?

204 replies

coulditbeyou · 01/07/2022 09:14

If you knew who their bio dad was?

The mum is long dead, and you were friends with her when your kids were both babies, 40 years ago.

Assuming you knew the answer, how would you feel about receiving a message asking the question, and how would you respond?

OP posts:
IndiaRose22 · 03/07/2022 16:32

Hope you get some answers OP

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 03/07/2022 20:06

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:17

Missed update!

give your aunt time!

we are so used to instant responses on messaging.

but this is sensitive and you need to be patient

Yes, but the silence is telling me they know probably know something. And if they do, surely they would have discussed how to approach this day at some point. If they don't, then just say so.

OP posts:
Original poster
coulditbeyou · 04/07/2022 10:25

36 hours and still no reply from my aunt.

Feel like I've really messed that one up!

OP posts:
courtrai · 04/07/2022 10:31

coulditbeyou · 04/07/2022 10:25

36 hours and still no reply from my aunt.

Feel like I've really messed that one up!

None of this is your fault. For what it's worth I don't think it's fair of her not to at least acknowledge something of such magnitude

oviraptor21 · 04/07/2022 10:49

All sorts of reasons why she may not have replied yet.
On holiday, doesn't check the app that often, deciding what to do.

oviraptor21 · 04/07/2022 10:53

I assume you are certain about the number you sent the message to?

Also, is there a reason that you messaged your aunt and not your uncle?

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 04/07/2022 10:56

@oviraptor21 I sent it on FB Messenger, so can see she's read it on Saturday and been on there a few times since.

My uncle isn't on FB.

I'm sure she has her reasons.

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 04/07/2022 12:16

I would assume there’s a reason she is hesitant to tell you. Have you prepared yourself for the answer on your dad perhaps not being a positive one? I hope it’s all good, but your Aunt’s hesitation is for a reason I guess

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 12:39

Personally

I would have hand written her a letter

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 12:39

And if you do follow up, I would hand write her a letter rather than another message

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 04/07/2022 12:43

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 12:39

Personally

I would have hand written her a letter

Can I ask why?

At least this way I know she's received my message and read it, I'd never know that with a letter. Well unless I sent it recorded, which would seem a little odd.

But I won't follow it up if she doesn't reply.

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 12:46

Two reasons

firstly I am guessing your message was long. Receiving a long ream of a message on watsapp is not appealing to many

secondly, you’re not asking if she knows when the bin men are due. I think that there is a place for virtual messages and this was not one.

if your aunt was a teenager, maybe. But given she is likely to be of the older generation, a leather I suspect would have been better received

been and done it. · 04/07/2022 12:56

My SIL at the age of 70plus found out the man she had called dad for all those years wasn't her bio father. Ancestry led her to her deceased Canadian father plus other living relatives who she is in contact with in Canada. She was shocked but in her case thrilled!

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 04/07/2022 12:59

Ohthatsexciting · 04/07/2022 12:46

Two reasons

firstly I am guessing your message was long. Receiving a long ream of a message on watsapp is not appealing to many

secondly, you’re not asking if she knows when the bin men are due. I think that there is a place for virtual messages and this was not one.

if your aunt was a teenager, maybe. But given she is likely to be of the older generation, a leather I suspect would have been better received

I see. But no, it wasn't long at all.

She's only in her 50's, so I wouldn't class her as older generation.

The neighbour who is my last option, I will write her a letter. She's not read my message and she is older.

OP posts:
Vikinga · 04/07/2022 13:01

If you think your aunt knows i would be more pushy. You deserve to know.

Pr1mr0se · 04/07/2022 13:02

Please contact her. It's been a long time. Share the information you have. Are you sure 100% accurate as it's bad enough having to ask you after all this time without the emotional fallout from that kind of mistake. Perhaps write to her but say you are happy to talk to her about it. She may want to take her time or need to be on her own when she gets the information.

Summerofcontent · 04/07/2022 17:41

How old is your uncle?
Could he be your dad?

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 04/07/2022 17:46

Summerofcontent · 04/07/2022 17:41

How old is your uncle?
Could he be your dad?

Am I meant to consider this a serious question?

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 04/07/2022 18:02

i agree that messenger is not appropriate for many generations, i know you are not a youngster op but even so it is a fairly serious question

Josette77 · 04/07/2022 18:51

Her aunt is in her 50's. Perfectly able to answer via messenger.
I hope you get some answers OP. I'm adopted and think knowing where you come from is a human right.

TreePoser · 04/07/2022 18:58

How could they think you wouldn't ASK one day.
You havent anything impatient by asking. You waited a long time to ask

Original poster
coulditbeyou · 04/07/2022 19:59

My aunt has replied.

She doesn't know anything, but my uncle will call me in a few days and arrange to meet me for a chat.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 04/07/2022 19:59

oh glad to hear your update op

ChateauMargaux · 04/07/2022 21:37

I hope he is able to help...

lljkk · 04/07/2022 21:46

That's tough, OP.
I'm very slightly in this situation, at least I know that one of my cousins has been lied to his whole life about who is bio-father is. His sisters could work out the likely bio-dad if they knew (but they don't) that he's not their full brother.

It just feels wrong to me, that he doesn't know the truth. I can see all the reasons why things went this way, too. So I don't intend to speak the truth, and indeed no one will ask... or could they. I'm brooding on at least one other big family secret that might come out, too.

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