How would you feel if someone asked you this question?

[coulditbeyou]

If you knew who their bio dad was?

The mum is long dead, and you were friends with her when your kids were both babies, 40 years ago.

Assuming you knew the answer, how would you feel about receiving a message asking the question, and how would you respond?

Sorry I should have read all of your posts first, it may not have been a big secret then, you were just very young when she died. Unless there's a massive reason for the secrecy then i don't see why this lady wouldn't tell you if she knew. there's a chance though that she may not even remember if she didn't know the guy personally

Ask her. If I was the woman you were asking I would be thrilled to help you, if I could. But bear in mind she may not have all the facts. I hope your DNA results give you some new avenues to explore..

Who is named as your father on your birth certificate?

That’s terrible, why did you lie??

@2bazookas

I could think of a few reasons why it might be better for a person not to know - rape, incest off the top of my head

Ask her. This knowledge if she has it is deeply personal to you. Id feel they had a right to know unless there was some sort of safeguarding or mental health issues in play. If it was me Id want you to ask and I'd tell you everything I knew.

It's not better for them not to know. There's so much research and evidence into this - wanting to know who you are (who your parents were) is such a fundamental thing, and it's so damaging not to know. That's why sperm donation can no longer be anonymous; the damage really started to show when the first donor kids grew up.

Thanks for the replies.

I am 100% certain that 'dad' was not my bio father, and this lady will also know that. He didn't even meet my mum until a was a toddler. This lady was my mums friend when I was a baby.

I was raised by his family after he died.

I was told he wasn't my dad when I was about 17, but I'd worked out myself long before that.

I don't really want anything from my bio dad. But sometimes it really gets inside my head that I could walk past him in the street every day and not know.

And I do believe he knows about me. I can't be 100% sure of that, but I've been told he does.

Don’t have anything to add OP because I’ve never been in your situation but I want to say good luck and I hope you get the answers you’re looking for x

You have every right to ask OP and if she knows, she has a moral obligation to tell you. I agree with your thought process that a friend at that time is more likely to know than a younger brother.

I would share what I knew. Probably face to face if possible.

The question isn't being asked by some nosy randomer - it's coming from the child themselves. A child has a right to know who their parents are, and to know their heritage. And in this case they obviously want to know, so it wouldn't be right to keep it from them.

I would tell - someone I know kept the true identity of her DD’s father a secret from her for 25 years. Her pretend dad informed her by text in the end as he couldn’t sustain it any longer. Shocking really

How I would respond might depend on what the situation was and whether the person's mother had told them. I would not act on the basis of something such as rumour.

I hope OP that if you do find out it gives you some inner peace.

This was wrong.

Assuming the man asked you as an adult he will have weighed up what the potential 'worst case' answers might have been, and been prepared to hear them. Instead you decided you knew what was best for him.

Paternalism like this might have made you feel like you did something nice, but all you did was override his wishes and leave him with a gnawing question. Badly done.

@2bazookas I disagree...

I think these things leak out whether through whisperings, 6 sense that something is being hidden or something else.. and I think secrets have long lasting impacts that ripple outward. The truth may be difficult but it is easier to understand and to heal from something that you know rather than from something you know you don't know. I also believe that your cousins know something even if they don't understand the black hole of questioning in their lives.

I would be honest.
Of it was a terrible fact e.g. grandfather was your father, I might say are you really sure you want to know? Or even, be sure you want to know and if you decide you do ring me back next week. But I would then tell them.

Lies are never a good idea. They have a way of coming out anyway. I have seen this in my own family fifty years after the initial lie was told and it caused a lot of hurt to the individual most affected.

Yes, the fact that the entire family knew (except those who most deserved to know) will have meant that snippets and whispers and half-truths will probably have filtered through to those children.

Denying them the opportunity to understand and come to terms with where they came from, even if that was a very dark place, is just all kinds of wrong.

And I personally would hate if other people knew who my bio dad was and I did not. However bad it was.

I am 52 and although not the child in question a similar child

i become a mother myself after my own died she has never met my DH or DC

In the last decade my child and I have both developed serious medical conditions that had we known about in advance could have been planned into our lives

The conditions are inherited and almost certainly from my absent parent, knowing about him and his history would have made life much easier

if you know, please tell her

Your Mum knew and your Dad who raised you knew but never told you. Perhaps this was at your Mum's request? You think your bio Dad knows and is alive but he has never approached you. Perhaps he is keeping respect for your Mum or he is not interested. It's a hard one. How would I respond if I got asked that? There are several family secrets that I became aware of - a woman who wanted to know who her real mother was and why she was given up ( mother was dead by the time she found out) , a child who was given to his father's family and was raised in secret and denies his original mother to this day and wants no part in it. I'm not sure what I would say but it would depend on if eg my friend had asked me never to reveal.

mmmm I guess you're right

Yes, of course ask her, if only to find out any inherited medical/ genetic health issues that you are not aware of.
Wishing you the best .

Your Mum knew and your Dad who raised you knew but never told you. Perhaps this was at your Mum's request? You think your bio Dad knows and is alive but he has never approached you. Perhaps he is keeping respect for your Mum or he is not interested.

I like to think he would have told me, or I'd at least have had the opportunity to ask him, if he hadn't died a couple of years after her. I wouldn't have expected him to tell me that so soon after she died.

Yes, my bio dad might not be interested. And I think that's possibly the case as it would have been easy enough for him to get in touch. But I don't really care if he's interested or not. I would just like a name and a face, and an answer.

I'd feel obligated to tell an adult if they asked and I knew. It wouldn't feel fair for me to know and not them.