How would you feel if someone asked you this question?

[coulditbeyou]

If you knew who their bio dad was?

The mum is long dead, and you were friends with her when your kids were both babies, 40 years ago.

Assuming you knew the answer, how would you feel about receiving a message asking the question, and how would you respond?

I would tell them what you know, how you know i.e. is it word of mouth or have you seen DNA proof, and why, to your knowledge, they weren't told. I would meet them publicly or do it over the phone as emotions may run high and their mum is no longer around to manage this.

The only exception here is if it was rape or similar. I'm not sure I would want to send somebody off in the direction of an abuser who would of course deny it.

how would anyone know for sure op.

did you have a father figure?
i think it is an unwise path

If I had the information, I'd tell you.

I’d tell them what if anything you know. If you know it’s likely to be traumatic eg the mother said they were result of incest or rape I’d seek some professional advice first. But a he was a one night stand or married I’d just tell immediately.

Yes, I'm waiting on results back from Ancestry. But I just feel it's a bit of a long shot. A £90 long shot, but hey

To be honest, I haven't even asked my uncle. That one would be hard. We're not very close as I've gotten older, (although he is lovely) and that's as much down to me as him. More so, maybe. I'm not sure that's a conversation a sister would have had with her younger brother.

I barely know this lady. A few friendly messages from her on Facebook a few years back and that's it's.

But the friends of my mum that I am closer to couldn't tell me.

Thanks all. I'll figure it out.

He died not long after my mum.

If I received that message, and the person’s mum was dead, I would certainly tell her anything I knew that might help them. And I wouldn’t feel weird or awkward about it either.

If you’re messaging someone to ask this I’d maybe start with the bits you do know/suspect, then ask if they have any more information that could help you? For example, they may have had no idea your father figure wasn’t your dad, but if you just ask open questions they might be able to tell you that your mum was dating Paul, or friendly with Tom who then disappeared or whatever.

you might not like the answer op
they can't know for certain

I'd ask her. You've got nothing to lose and maybe something to gain. There might be a good reason why your mum didn't tell you who it is though.

I was only ten when she died. I wouldn't really have expected her to tell me by then. Not back then.

Generally, and adult asking about their parents should be told. Their rights trump the parents’ rights. BUT I’d be clear about what I knew and what was deduced/inferred/gossip. If ‘people said’ tell them people said. Don’t present it as fact.

I would urge caution, largely from something that I saw recently:

In June 1970, Duke learned she was pregnant and married Michael Tell on June 26, 1970, during a manic phase, to "give (her child) a name."
Their marriage lasted 13 days before ending in an annulment on July 9, 1970; Her son, actor Sean Astin, was born on February 25, 1971.
Duke said in her 1987 autobiography that the marriage to Tell was never consummated and that Astin was the actual biological father of Sean. Several chapters in her book emphasized the falsehood about her relationship with Tell and the paternity of her son. She later told Sean that Arnaz Jr. was Sean's biological father.
It turned out that all three statements were incorrect: in 1994, when Sean Astin underwent biological testing to determine his paternity, the results showed that Tell was his biological father.

Not a typical, everyday story, but something that shows the impact of changing a narrative.

How I would feel would depend entirely on whether or not I knew the answer to the question and the detail surrounding the answer

so impossible to answer

have you asked any relatives?
perhaps the dad never knew

I would gently share any info I knew. This is something an adult has the right to know about themselves.

They have a right to know who their Father is. I could not live with myself if i didn't give a truthful answer to that question. Her Mother should have told her.

This is so confusing.. have I got this right?
You are 40ish, and your mum and 'dad' are both dead. You want to ask somebody who was friends with your mum when you were a baby if she knows who your bio dad is/was?

If that's the case, no problem at all. She can always say 'no idea' if she doesn't want to say.

I would definitely tell them, unless I thought the information might be damaging (e.g. the father is still alive and married, or perhaps was a family member). In those cases I'd have to think harder but would probably still tell them. People need to know who their parents are and it's all a long time ago.

I can't imagine that your mum's friend would be upset with you for asking. You have a right to know. It isn't as tricky as it would be if, say, your mum were still alive.

Possibly she won't tell you the truth, for example if she thinks the truth would be hard for you to bear. But you have nothing to lose by asking. I also think you have nothing to lose by asking your uncle. He might know.

It's not a long shot with the DNA tests. I discovered a bunch of cousins in France and the US!

Can I ask what's confusing you?

I understand you need to know and would hope that if someone knew, they would tell you in a way that they were able to support you through the process of coming to terms with that information, however it pans out. Sending you hugs and hoping you get some answers.

oh i missed you had an uncle.

you could ask him, it needed be awkward, get it out in the open.