How would you feel if someone asked you this question?

[coulditbeyou]

If you knew who their bio dad was?

The mum is long dead, and you were friends with her when your kids were both babies, 40 years ago.

Assuming you knew the answer, how would you feel about receiving a message asking the question, and how would you respond?

Good luck in your search.

I would answer with the information I had and would feel it was really important given their mum was dead that I did that.

Have faith in Ancestry.com OP - my long lost sister found me via her recent Ancestry test - she contacted me on fb too once she knew we were related & I was able to tell her lots of things about our Dad even though I didn't have contact with him after I was 2.
I mainly joined Ancestry to find her.
Good luck with your search - it can feel like half of you is missing if you don't know who your parents were/are.

I would tell them but I would tell the person who he calls dad first.

Didn't read far enough. If there is no farther figure in the picture then I would just tell what I know.

I had this very thing happen in my circle. An old friend, a war baby, found out her father supposedly killed in WW11 couldn't possibly be her father as he died before she was conceived. When she found out the truth her mother flatly refused to tell her who her father was and went to her grave without telling her daughter. At her mother's funeral my friend said how sorry she was she would never know, my mum told me she thought it could be another married cousin but they were never sure. I decided to tell my friend what we thought we knew this was back in the 1990's, and she was happy I had told her. Fast forward to now and DNA, she has now found out that she has eastern European Jewish ancestry, so the man the family thought could have been her father wasn't. My mum did say that they went to Polish airforce dances, so I think that is the answer. As the family were roman catholic maybe that's why her mother wouldn't say.

I would always tell someone what you know, and say it might be wrong but to the best of my knowledge, secrets are not healthy.

You have every right to know by whatever method you choose, to find out.

I was brought up an only child by my parents. My late mom was 36 when I was born. My late father 49.

I was to find out when I was 36 my father had been married before and I have 2 half brothers alot older than me. I do have a good relationship with them as I tracked them down in 1997.

The damage that was caused to us all by my late father has meant alot of therapy and hurt.

It's called "Family secrets - what you don't know can hurt you"

I wish you well in finding out your truth and coming to terms with it all. We all have a right to know where we come from

I would tell you if I knew.

If I were your mum my brothers would know who your father was even if my friends didn't so I would ask your uncle.

I think in that situation I would phrase it as "this is what your Mum told me."
Not state it as fact

Glad you had an encouraging response, even if you haven’t got an answer yet.

You may find that if you find someone who knows, they’ll be relieved not to carry the burden of secrecy after all this time.

DNA is the way forward for you. There’s so much help out there to interpret your results. From having a ‘father unknown’ birth certificate of my dad, I managed to narrow the search for my grandfather down to two brothers. If one of their decedent’s children gets tested I’ll be able to know definitively who he was. It’s amazing stuff!

The lady she has contacted also doesn't know anything.

Should I just message my aunt now and ask her if she and my uncle know?

Other than that, I have one more neighbour I can approach - the one I messaged before who didn't respond. Doesn't look like she ever read the message, so may have gone into her hidden messages. I could friend request her and hope she accepts, or pop a written note through her door.

Last option is hold out for the Ancestry results. But it takes so long and when the feeling hits me, I want the answers asap!

So your Aunt and Uncle in a gentle way.

Ask your Aunt .....

I would absolutely help and support as much as I could, but also need to understand why now.

I was once in this position with a friend. She didn’t know who her father was but it was rumoured that her mothers five children (there was no father on the scene) were fathered by the brother in law. Her resemblance to his children was incredibly strong, so much so that I was amazed she didn’t know, or had at least speculated. She never asked me so I didn’t tell her, but I did encourage her to ask her mum. I moved away so don’t know if she ever did.

You have to tell what you know. Maker sure you DO know - otherwise it's no help at all. If you know, what possible justification can you have for being the "guardian" of that knowledge?

I don't have an answer for 'why now?'

It's only in the last 4 or 5 years that I've felt I need to know. Like I say, I can't imagine being devastated if he doesn't want to know me, but I'd like a name and a face to put to it. And of course to know what happened. Although obviously with my mum being dead, I'm not guaranteed the truth of that.

yes ! Ask your aunt and uncle.
best of luck with the search

If you can help I would, my sister has no idea who her father is, and our mum will not give any information, so we are starting at dna tests and will probably have to ask that question. It’s a child’s right to know who their father is, if the father decides he doesn’t want that job then that’s down to him but it shouldn’t stop the child knowing where they came from!

I would tell them what I knew

Of course you want to know OP.

Just ask people. Everyone who you think might be able to help, just ask them. One day they’ll be dead and you’ll regret not asking when you had the chance.

Do you know much about your mums life in the year before you were born? Where she worked etc? Or what she was doing in general?

I wish you luck OP
But remember - you are 40- and you are asking questions of people who I guess must be in their 60s at least. Now I am in my 60s and what my mum might call 'modern'. But 40 years ago people were still talking about babies being born 'out of wedlock', 'unmarried mothers' 'spoiled goods' and men being saints for 'taking on another man's child'. So bear in mind that some of these neighbours and relatives may feel disloyal to your mum discussing how you came to be conceived. Or they may feel the need to 'protect' your bio father.
I hope for your mum's sake this is just a story of contraceptive failure and a loved boyfriend who couldn't face up to his responsibilities. But, you must also realise that the story may not be like that.

Ok this is really difficult as I’m in this position in a way as I’m the one who isn’t sure about my bio father. I’ve asked a couple of people who were quite honest with what they thought but had no proof but I really don’t know now if I really want to know. It certainly has put a few ‘ghosts’ to rest for me but the one person who could answer my mother, is very old and frail. If she wanted me to know she would have told me surely. What’s to say she wouldn’t lie? I mean she has for many decades now! I’m of a mind to wait until after she has died then get a DNA test done with my sisters to see if we’re full siblings or not. Also if I did confront her and God forbid something happened to her I’d never forgive myself. For me it might be a case of letting sleeping dogs lie. A tricky situation and not a yes or no answer. Sorry I can’t be of more help.

This happened to me and I can only give you my perspective.
Growing up I always felt like the black sheep and like I never fitted but I thought it was in my head.

Who I thought was my Dad died 20 years ago when I was 33.

Within a few months my Mum got back with a childhood friend his wife had also passed the same year.

My Mum wanted my to have a friendship with this Man and whenever I would call her she would want me to talk with him to discuss our day.I always thought this was because he had a son but they weren't very close.

Two friends mentioned they thought I looked like him and I even mentioned it to him and my Mum but my Mum told me I was being silly.My Mum had a very strong personality and was quite controlling within my life even when I left home and had my own children.

My Mums friend and herself were diagnosed with terminal illnesses and they were together for around 13 years when my Mum passed.

After I kept intouch because I felt my Mum would have wanted this and I also wanted him to remain in my life.

He eventually went into hospital and then a nursing home.I started visiting 4 times a week and we chatted.He once asked me did I ever have girly chats with my Mum my response was "did he know my Mum" we never had chats about anything and I would say she was a cold person,no hugs no I love you etc.

When he became more poorly I had a awful feeling I just needed a answer to.
So I asked him "was he my Dad" to which he replied "yes" and yet I still didn’t believe it.So I did a dna test and of course it came back 99.9 %

It's crazy that it was something I needed to know but that day it ripped my world apart.
Two weeks later he passed away and in the time before he wasn’t really up for speaking.
I was with him when he passed and went in the family car at the funeral.

A couple of months later I told his sister who thought things now slotted into place.She welcomed me with open arms and we are still in touch.

It turned out my Mums sisters knew but didn't think it was their place to say and they said my eldest sister knew which is something she denies.

He has now been passed 7 years and in those 7 years I had a breakdown,lost my job of 23 years was under a physiatrist,on high doses of medications and suicidal.

If I could change things I would still want to know but earlier so I could have chosen my own path but definitely after the man I thought was my Dad had passes away.I take it he knew and he also knew who the man was.

Even now I break down and cry,I no longer know who I am my older siblings have each other but I feel I am the odd one,even writing this as brought me to tears I'm not sure the pain will ever end 💔