Page 8 | ILs won't take no for an answer, but AIBU?

PinkCheetah · 2022-06-30T17:13:16+00:00

Hi all. I'm a first time mum and LO is 11 weeks old. We live in a different city to my ILs about a 90 min drive away. Since she was born, actually since I was pregnant, the ILs have been asking on repeat when they can take the baby away overnight to stay at theirs for a few days at a time. DH and I keep declining for many reasons. For example, she's exclusively breastfed. And mainly I don't like being apart from LO too long. Even when she goes out for a few hours with DH, I feel unsettled. And I don't agree with some of the things they want to do e.g ILs want to cosleep sometimes. I do sometimes cosleep but I only trust myself to do this and no one else. ILs have also been dropping hints that I should do things differently. For example, they keep suggesting I should just formula feed, so they can help with feeds. But I want to keep breastfeeding for the health benefits and she's growing well. I wanted to postpone a dummy until she was established with breastfeeding, but they kept pushing us to use a dummy. So all these little things add up and make me think even if I let LO stay over they wouldn't respect how I'd want her to be looked after once I'm not there. Anyway they came to visit and again asked the question when we are going to let her stay over a few nights with them. And again we've had to state our position and DH was getting angry with them. It doesn't help that their own daughter's son, who lives around the corner from them, they look after him 4/7 days a week so they think this should be the same as ours. But I said it's different living round the corner as opposed to living in a completely different city. I'm posting really just to get some perspective. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm the one BU? Are they just trying to help? Should I give in?

Spidey66 · 02/07/2022 13:30

You’re not unreasonable at all….how can they do it while you’re still breastfeeding?

As a compromise can they maybe look after the baby while you get your hair cut/go swimming/go out with husband?

BuntyMcHooves · 02/07/2022 16:39

Tbh their behaviour is ringing a lot of warning bells for me.
This is my experience - it might not be what's going on here, but it might help you or someone else not to get into the situation I got me and my family into.
We had neighbours (not related in any way) across the road from us in our last house. My husband used to go away on work trips and they would invite me over sometimes for meals, and we became friendly. I was in my mid-30s and they were in their 60s/70s but we had a shared sense of humour and both husbands were musicians.
When I got pregnant, they became much more interested in me. They treated me (and I them) like family. Once I had my son, pretty much immediately the woman started putting pressure on me to leave him with them, saying "you'll have to do it one day, might as well get it over with".
We relied on them a lot - they really were like an extra set of grandparents (both lots of real grandparents live 4+ hours away). They babysit all the time, we're always there in an emergency and made themselves indispensable. We lived in a very small village and they were pillars of the community types.
My son stayed overnight a couple of times when we had date nights. One thing that struck me as odd was that they'd insist he had gone to bed around 8.30pm and went straight to sleep and woke at about 8 the next morning - he never did that, he was an awful sleeper. Then it was that he'd woken in the night and the husband had gone in to see him and it was fine. There were so many "micro moments" where I thought, "that's a bit odd" but nothing ever concrete that I could put my finger on.
When I had my daughter, I noticed a distinct difference in how they treated her. They had no interest in her, and once or twice I was shocked at the way the woman spoke to her. It was also odd how their adult children were treated - one of them burned his leg badly, requiring hospitalisation, and when the women told me, there was no emotion there - whereas she was so emotionally invested in my son, if anything happened she'd be all over him. Then when my son started school, they became very possessive over him, insisting on seeing him after school. They insisted he wanted to stay there one weekend but he said he didn't want to. They got really weird with us. Eventually, 2 months later, we found out that they had been abusing him. They had been drugging him by crushing up Valium in orange juice mixed with cranberry.
This is the barest bones of the story. There were many more odd incidents and examples of things not being "quite right" - including their relationships with their own children.
For me, anyone who insists on taking a baby away from their parents is suspect. I was gaslighted by these people telling me they knew better than me what was right for my son. Trust your own judgment.

hellobeautifulsoul · 02/07/2022 20:27

@BuntyMcHooves oh my gosh that is awful I'm so sorry!! 🥺 thank you for sharing though it may help someone in the future. What is the world coming to!! 😣

ribbonhair · 02/07/2022 20:59

Urgh my mum did this. Eventually I lost it (easier as was my mum not MIL) and said awww well you're going to have to get over the fact I'm enjoying it baby as long as I want to do when I'm ready you'll have her over night. My dd is 9 and has never stayed overnight. I'm not saying that's what everyone should or shouldn't do but it's what felt right with me and I'm the mum so I set the rules!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 02/07/2022 22:05

Just say No. End of. Not open for discussion.

BuntyMcHooves · 03/07/2022 19:12

@hellobeautifulsoul thank you - we've all had a lot of help and ds is a happy 13yo now

BusyMum47 · 03/07/2022 19:23

NO! Your baby...your choices...your decisions. Stand your ground - you're not being at all unreasonable. Great that your DH has your back, too. They absolutely wouldn't respect your instructions if you were to give in.

Spidey66 · 08/07/2022 20:13

BuntyMcHooves · 02/07/2022 16:39

Tbh their behaviour is ringing a lot of warning bells for me.
This is my experience - it might not be what's going on here, but it might help you or someone else not to get into the situation I got me and my family into.
We had neighbours (not related in any way) across the road from us in our last house. My husband used to go away on work trips and they would invite me over sometimes for meals, and we became friendly. I was in my mid-30s and they were in their 60s/70s but we had a shared sense of humour and both husbands were musicians.
When I got pregnant, they became much more interested in me. They treated me (and I them) like family. Once I had my son, pretty much immediately the woman started putting pressure on me to leave him with them, saying "you'll have to do it one day, might as well get it over with".
We relied on them a lot - they really were like an extra set of grandparents (both lots of real grandparents live 4+ hours away). They babysit all the time, we're always there in an emergency and made themselves indispensable. We lived in a very small village and they were pillars of the community types.
My son stayed overnight a couple of times when we had date nights. One thing that struck me as odd was that they'd insist he had gone to bed around 8.30pm and went straight to sleep and woke at about 8 the next morning - he never did that, he was an awful sleeper. Then it was that he'd woken in the night and the husband had gone in to see him and it was fine. There were so many "micro moments" where I thought, "that's a bit odd" but nothing ever concrete that I could put my finger on.
When I had my daughter, I noticed a distinct difference in how they treated her. They had no interest in her, and once or twice I was shocked at the way the woman spoke to her. It was also odd how their adult children were treated - one of them burned his leg badly, requiring hospitalisation, and when the women told me, there was no emotion there - whereas she was so emotionally invested in my son, if anything happened she'd be all over him. Then when my son started school, they became very possessive over him, insisting on seeing him after school. They insisted he wanted to stay there one weekend but he said he didn't want to. They got really weird with us. Eventually, 2 months later, we found out that they had been abusing him. They had been drugging him by crushing up Valium in orange juice mixed with cranberry.
This is the barest bones of the story. There were many more odd incidents and examples of things not being "quite right" - including their relationships with their own children.
For me, anyone who insists on taking a baby away from their parents is suspect. I was gaslighted by these people telling me they knew better than me what was right for my son. Trust your own judgment.

OMG that's awful! Did you report them?

purplecorkheart · 08/07/2022 20:18

Congratulations on the birth of you lo.

Be straight with them. Tell them it will be when she is 8 or 9 years old or whatever. Repeat, repeat, repeat

winnieanddaisy · 08/07/2022 20:54

I’m a DGM to 5 between the ages of 10 and 17 and have never once asked to have them for an overnight visit .
your PIL sound barking mad . How often do they/ you visit ? Next time they ask about having baby I would tell them that if they don’t let it go then I will drastically cut down the number of visits allowed. Maybe once every 2 months will shut them up .

CactusBlossom · 09/07/2022 02:09

You've tried telling them politely, they just don't take the hint. You don't want to let ILs take LO overnight, understandably as they seem to be pushing their own agenda, stand your ground and say no. If they go off in a huff - problem solved! If they accept your stance - problem solved! Just say no. Don't let them bully you.

What you could try is saying "can you hear that...?" then whatever they say, tell them "it's the sound of luck being pushed".

It's one thing to offer to help, but they are not. They are wanting something that suits them, no you.