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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ILs won't take no for an answer, but AIBU?

186 replies

PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 18:13

Hi all. I'm a first time mum and LO is 11 weeks old. We live in a different city to my ILs about a 90 min drive away.

Since she was born, actually since I was pregnant, the ILs have been asking on repeat when they can take the baby away overnight to stay at theirs for a few days at a time. DH and I keep declining for many reasons. For example, she's exclusively breastfed. And mainly I don't like being apart from LO too long. Even when she goes out for a few hours with DH, I feel unsettled. And I don't agree with some of the things they want to do e.g ILs want to cosleep sometimes. I do sometimes cosleep but I only trust myself to do this and no one else. ILs have also been dropping hints that I should do things differently. For example, they keep suggesting I should just formula feed, so they can help with feeds. But I want to keep breastfeeding for the health benefits and she's growing well. I wanted to postpone a dummy until she was established with breastfeeding, but they kept pushing us to use a dummy. So all these little things add up and make me think even if I let LO stay over they wouldn't respect how I'd want her to be looked after once I'm not there.

Anyway they came to visit and again asked the question when we are going to let her stay over a few nights with them. And again we've had to state our position and DH was getting angry with them. It doesn't help that their own daughter's son, who lives around the corner from them, they look after him 4/7 days a week so they think this should be the same as ours. But I said it's different living round the corner as opposed to living in a completely different city.

I'm posting really just to get some perspective. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm the one BU? Are they just trying to help? Should I give in?

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 30/06/2022 18:36

They don't have your baby's best interests at heart.

The formula feeding and dummy suggestions are purely for their benefit. You don't need to ever introduce a dummy by the way.

Your baby is far too young to be away from you and they are wrong to keep asking you. I would also be very worried about anyone but you and your DH cosleeping with baby. Why on earth do they think that's appropriate?!

It's lucky they are 90 minutes away. I would suggest only limited contact until they respect your wishes.

creamwitheverything · 30/06/2022 18:37

Start being less available OP,Let your dh deal with them,Your baby your rules,they have no say or rights what so ever, Stay strong and donot bow to the pressure,They are barmy,

justanoldhack · 30/06/2022 18:39

I find these kinds of requests so weird. It's not your baby! WHY do you think they should overnight with you? And the co-sleeping added on top? So fucking weird.
Just say no.

007DoubleOSeven · 30/06/2022 18:45

They are completely unreasonable (and selfish). Keep refusing and don't feel bad about it.

Jubaju · 30/06/2022 18:46

Hell no

Original poster
PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 18:46

Thanks everyone. I just needed to check if I was BU because they ask that many times you start to question yourself, don't you?

It doesn't help that SIL has allowed ILs to be this way with her own DS. They keep comparing SIL and I, saying "well SIL stopped BFing after 3 weeks, and it were fine" and "we took her baby on holiday at 3 weeks old". And they have her son stay overnight most days of the week so they probably think this is the norm and that's good for her son I just don't want that for my own child.

They've always been like this even before we we became parents. Always repeating questions until they get the answer they want. Sometimes DH and I would give in just to keep the peace but now we have a Dd we don't want her to learn it's normal to lack boundaries.

DH to his credit, has always been firm with them on my behalf and says no. He isn't afraid to get angry with them. They just don't seem to listen. I admit I haven't been as direct or blunt with them because I find it awkward and prefer DH to do it with his own parents. But today I've had to step in and say "no, not until she's at least older, I don't feel good about it". But then MIL made me feel silly and said "she'll be fine, what do you think's going to happen?" And I just said "probably nothing bad, I just don't want to." And I just find it frustrating having to justify myself I wish they would just take no for an answer.

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 30/06/2022 18:51

No you're definitely not BU.

Do you think there will come a time when you'll want them to have her overnight? Only because it may help whether your (grey rock) response is not until she's weaned/night weaned, sleeping through the night, potty trained, able to ask herself, graduated from high school etc.

If your SIL's arrangement works for her, that's great. If they want a close relationship with your daughter, 90 minutes isn't that far for them to travel to see her (with you there too).

Hemax1 · 30/06/2022 18:52

Please stand your ground as to how you both want to bring up your child. It sounds like DH is on the same page as you so it’s good you are united regarding this!

its lovely that they want to be involved but seem to be confusing involved and being supportive with getting their own way over how your child is brought up. As you say it’s not like they are just round the corner to pick up if anything we’re to happen or your child doesn’t settle.

id be tempted to say that the more they ask about a sleepover the longer it’s likely to be … but that’s probably just me being petty !

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/06/2022 18:54

"Anyway they came to visit and again asked the question when we are going to let her stay over a few nights with them."
"When hell freezes over" would be my response. I really don't like being pushed and tend to dig my heels in. But that's just me.

Regardless, they are being very unreasonable. As a child I never overnighted in my grandparents' houses, it just wasn't a thing; and I really find the idea of it totally bizarre. And they want to co-sleep with your baby - that's heading into Fuck Off Territory. Everything they're pushing for is for their benefit, not your and definitely not your baby's.

I'd tell them 'no' one more time, and add the rider that if they ask this again, they'll be asked to leave. No ifs no buts, don't ask again when you know my answer is 'no'.

ittakes2 · 30/06/2022 18:55

I think without you giving any reasons why not the fact you don't want to is enough. Plus 11 weeks old! I am quite liberal but I am shocked they are expecting you to do this at 11 weeks old.

Lacey247 · 30/06/2022 18:55

Absolutely not! She’s a tiny baby! I would feel the same about her being away from me for the night. My son is 4 and hasn’t spent a night away from me and I have no plans to allow him until he personally wants to. Tell them to piss off and that the discussion is over. How odd that they want to co sleep with someone else’s baby!

FinallyHere · 30/06/2022 18:55

DH and I keep declining for many reasons.

Stop with the reasons. This is your baby. Say you will let them know when you are ready to leave the baby overnight.

Maybe before age 18, maybe not.

No one can know the future with perfect certainty.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 30/06/2022 18:56

My dc slept out at 3 +when they could decide themselves that they wanted to!!. Anything younger is for the benefit of usually bloody dgm's imo!
Suggest she gets a dcat she can cuddle in bed.

MintJulia · 30/06/2022 18:57

Yanbu. There is no benefit to your child to be separated from you.

Your ILs may not mean to be but they are being selfish, entitled and bullying. Stand your ground.

Greensleeves · 30/06/2022 18:57

Do NOT give in. People like this will keep pushing and encroaching on every boundary you try to set - compromise on your part will be taken as a sign of weakness. There is no reason whatsoever why they should have overnight care of your child, certainly not while she is a baby and actually, not ever, unless you and your DH ask them to. It's not a right, and they are being incredibly rude and pushy. DH needs to make it clear to them that the harder they push, and the more boundary-trampling they do, the less they will see of you, and therefore of their grandchild.

merryhouse · 30/06/2022 18:58

Good god, no yanbu.

And I'm the sort of middle-aged woman who asks to hold other people's babies and has caught myself speculatively eyeing my young adult sons for signs of broodiness...

OldGreyAppleFence · 30/06/2022 19:01

Stand your ground, you are right to keep your baby near you. The fact that you don't want to is the only reason you need.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 30/06/2022 19:04

You are 100% not unreasonable, they are being VERY unreasonable. I don't think many parents would want to be away from their young baby for a few days and especially with it being a distance away. How dare she try to tell you to formula feed, you want to breastfeed and your baby is doing well so that's great and you should continue as long as you want to. I also wouldn't introduce a dummy unnecessarily. I think your ILS are far too bossy and pushy, they've had their chance at parenting with their own children and now it's yours and your DH turn to do it and do it how you both choose to. If i were you their behaviour would put me completely off ever letting them mind my baby. I would get DH to tell them (as it's his parents) that they won't be having baby over to stay for a very long time, if at all, so they need to stop asking. If you let it carry on they'll get worse, you need to nip it in the bud now. Congratulations on your new baby 💐

Original poster
PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 19:05

ittakes2 · 30/06/2022 18:55

I think without you giving any reasons why not the fact you don't want to is enough. Plus 11 weeks old! I am quite liberal but I am shocked they are expecting you to do this at 11 weeks old.

They were asking since when she were much younger than this, about 2-3 weeks old!

OP posts:
catsnore · 30/06/2022 19:08

Why on earth would they want to co sleep with your baby? Sorry but I find that weird. Also it's only really safe for the person breastfeeding to do Co-sleeping when baby is so small. Please stand your ground - your instincts are 100% right. Tell them they are welcome to visit and can hold the baby while they are napping etc but make sure you are clear where the line is. You have many years of this to navigate and you need to make it clear that you won't be pushed to do things you don't want to. You will need to be blunt and direct by the sound of it as they haven't taken the hint already! If they suggest formula feeding again just act really shocked and ask if they have read the WHO recommendations!

OrlaOrka · 30/06/2022 19:11

They sound like crackpots tbh so for that reason alone I would never be leaving my child with them overnight

11 weeks is so tiny still. Co-sleeping with someone that isn’t you is just plain dangerous, and I know personally I would probably have an aneurysm at the thought of other adults sleeping in the same bed as my tiny baby, that just sounds like a recipe for disaster, they don’t sound very responsible at all!

you stick to your guns, don’t ever let anyone guilt trip you into doing something with your baby that makes you feel even 1% uncomfortable. My in laws are experts at the guilt trip and I used to fall for it but not anymore, and they don’t try it now.

i feel for you, it sounds like they are trying their best to railroad you, and weirdly pretend they have a baby of their own again.

stuntbubbles · 30/06/2022 19:13

Anyone who wants you to stop breastfeeding for their own benefit does not care about your baby. They want to do some weird cosplay reenactment of parenting – taking over feeds, cosleeping, overnights for several days in a row?! This is so beyond the boundaries of normal grandparent behaviour I wouldn’t just say no, I’d severely limit contact full stop. And I would never leave my DC alone with them after six months, because it sounds like they’d also ride roughshod over your weaning wishes, potty training, everything.

GG1986 · 30/06/2022 19:13

Do not give in to their demands, she is your baby not theirs!! In laws like to get very involved with their grandkids sometimes and it's very difficult to tell them to back off, but be firm with saying no to things and do not listen to them tell you how to parent your own child.

LemonPledge555 · 30/06/2022 19:15

They have zero respect for you or your wishes. That’s the kind of language your DH needs to use. I would be so upset at their attitude to you and your child. My DD has done 2 sleepovers with my DM and she’s 5.5 - and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Fink · 30/06/2022 19:16

Thank goodness your DH is on the right side here. Stick together and stay firm. They can back off. Grey rocking might be an option if necessary.