ILs won't take no for an answer, but AIBU?

[PinkCheetah]

Hi all. I'm a first time mum and LO is 11 weeks old. We live in a different city to my ILs about a 90 min drive away.

Since she was born, actually since I was pregnant, the ILs have been asking on repeat when they can take the baby away overnight to stay at theirs for a few days at a time. DH and I keep declining for many reasons. For example, she's exclusively breastfed. And mainly I don't like being apart from LO too long. Even when she goes out for a few hours with DH, I feel unsettled. And I don't agree with some of the things they want to do e.g ILs want to cosleep sometimes. I do sometimes cosleep but I only trust myself to do this and no one else. ILs have also been dropping hints that I should do things differently. For example, they keep suggesting I should just formula feed, so they can help with feeds. But I want to keep breastfeeding for the health benefits and she's growing well. I wanted to postpone a dummy until she was established with breastfeeding, but they kept pushing us to use a dummy. So all these little things add up and make me think even if I let LO stay over they wouldn't respect how I'd want her to be looked after once I'm not there.

Anyway they came to visit and again asked the question when we are going to let her stay over a few nights with them. And again we've had to state our position and DH was getting angry with them. It doesn't help that their own daughter's son, who lives around the corner from them, they look after him 4/7 days a week so they think this should be the same as ours. But I said it's different living round the corner as opposed to living in a completely different city.

I'm posting really just to get some perspective. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm the one BU? Are they just trying to help? Should I give in?

He's admitted he wants the child to stay over? Why?
When you're both ready? Fabulous, but what if the child isn't?

Op this is the last thing you should be worrying about. I can't believe that your having to worry so much about what your mil wants.

It's cruel and selfish beyond belief.
I think you need to be clearer with your dh and make him read some information about baby blues but also fog/ toxic parents.

Perhaps he needs to make it clear that you're getting to end of your tether with it and if they want to still come....shut up about and learn some basic manners

YADNBU
They are overbearing, and their ideas are really quite strange
Seems like to repeat your DH's childhood
It's good you and DH are on the same page. Stick to your boundaries
When your DC asks if she can stay, that's the time to consider it!

No no no and no.
She stays over when you and your partner decide. Don't let them bully you into letting them take her, lots of people wait years to let their children stay out! And I'm sure lots let them younger but it's totally personal preference. Especially if you are breastfeeding. I would make it very clear that you will let them know when you are ready and they don't need to keep asking.

To be honest it makes me wonder why they are so persistent to have the baby overnight anyway?
And I get the feeling they wouldn't stick to your rules when they had the baby either, which is my pet hate.

Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with and don't feel guilty about it. Your baby, your rules 🥰

Your DH sounds supporting and really lovely. I'm so glad you both feel the same. I really hope you can stop worrying about it and they stop asking x

If they refuse to stop asking, you need a consequence. If you're not willing to cut off contact immediately (and/or feel it's a bit much for a 'first offence' - even though this wouldn't be a first offence), tell them that you and DH think about 4yo before a sleepover, but every time they ask about it, the age goes up by 6 months. Mean it - make a note on your phone when they do it. "Well we did think 4, but you've asked twice since then, so it's 5 now."

it's petty and childish, but they are behaving in a petty and childish way by refusing to listen to you.

People who actively make demands to take an 11 week old baby away from his/her mother (who doesn’t want it) for a few nights are unhinged. Stand firm.

My kids slept over at their (lovely, kind, normal) grandparents when they were about 5.
But I might worry about letting my 5yo stay over with people who ride roughshod over other peoples opinions, wants and needs in the way that your ILs do. What if they bully and harass your child in the same way that they do you?

His being on your side of this is crucial.

Him having a frank word with them is a great idea.

I would give him full credit for this after the call.

This is a great marker for a long term successful relationship.

If they continue to harrass you about this, simply curtailing contact will be best.

Nothing should come between you and your new family enjoying this special time.

It doesn't bode well for the future and it is better to be realistic about these things than fight it.

The very best of luck.

YANBU

Continuing to bring it up when you/DH have said NO so clearly, needs consequences.

If you bring it up again the visit will end.
If you bring it up again it will be 1 week / 1 month before we see you again.
If you bring it up again you will only be allowed to see DD with both of us present.

And stick to them. They have shown they do no respect you or your DH as parents (probably as adults!) It's time they change that - or they loose.

YANBU. Your ILs sound very unsavoury.

Flipping heck. I haven't RTFT, but when I'm a DGM the last thing I'll want to be doing is having my DGC overnight when they're so tiny! That's their parents' job, not mine! It's not on the horizon yet, but I already know I'm not going to be like the poor OP's ILs.

OP, stand firm. I did have similar from my ILs (luckily we lived a plane journey away, but they still managed to guilt-trip us) and my DH wasn't as good at saying 'no' to them as your amazing DH seems to be (whether they listen or not, he's still backing you)

They're little for so short a time, and no, choosing to exclusively breast feed isn't for everyone (and nor would it every be) but for those of us who did choose this, it's not up to ILs to tell us to stop just to suit their own needs.

YANBU OP. If anyone kept at this with me for this long, I'd say "no - ask me again and watch what happens". I'm aghast that any grandparents would want to co-sleep, that's immediate red flags and not in this lifetime would they ever be allowed to mind my children.

You are absolutely, 100 million% not unreasonable and completely right. DO NOT LET THEM TAKE YOUR CHILD. PERIOD. It doesn’t matter who they are ILs or whatever. It’s highly inappropriate to ask such a thing AND to suggest bottle feeding so they can help?! If you’re breastfeeding it’s best to do so for as long as YOU AND LO can. Wow I literally cannot believe how ILs are overstepping their boundaries. They had their chance with your DH. It’s your turn now and critically important for you so stand firm especially during this most important bonding time with your LO. Maybe to soften your response tell them they can have overnight stays when LO is a toddler - when you might really need the help! Right now stay strong, hold your baby and enjoy this most precious time in life. 😊

Great update, OP. And brilliant that your DH is with you and so proactive.

Hope the call goes well and you can get some lovely peaceful time with your babe. 🌺

I’ve not read the full thread but so fed up of ILs pushing themselves onto others and issuing a set of demands of a new mother and her baby. Seriously - what is it with these people.
As others have said, def not unreasonable to say no. Suggest you say thanks but you’ll let them know if and when.
FWIW - we had a similar situation when DS was 6 weeks old. I mean ffs - these people are on a different planet.

Sorry but that is a bit creepy….
FIL wants to share a bed with children?
No bloody way. That is not normal behaviour. And I wouldn’t have them overnight in my house either.

Personally, with their behaviour I would be going very low contact, but if you have to see them, travel to their house, and you can leave when you want to.

I felt wound up just reading about your dreadful in laws. Currently pregnant and no one will be taking my baby anywhere while I’m breastfeeding ⛔️

I think at this point I'd have to do the PA approach if a head tilt and "have you forgotten what we said already".

Then they either have to say yes in which case you can play on it or admit they have heard and are ignoring you!

"If you keep ignoring our wishes, then you don't see us or baby at all, so wind your necks in" about sums it up.

I actually feel sorry for your SIL. Did she want to be a part-time parent or was she bullied into it?

I'm so glad your husband feels the same way as you do, it will be a lot easier to manage.

No no no.
Stop arguing with them. Stop justifying anything. You've given your reason and they are simply trying to grind you down. You don't have to engage with them on this level.

Can LO come and stay?
No

When can LO come and stay?
When she's 35

But XYZ whine whine whine .....
say nothing. Or say no. You can just say nothing.

Sorry you are going through this and congratulations on your beautiful baby.

They're asking for the benefit of themselves, not your child, or you. Ridiculous. She's not a doll.

“We consider the subject settled.”
And move on.