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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ILs won't take no for an answer, but AIBU?

186 replies

PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 18:13

Hi all. I'm a first time mum and LO is 11 weeks old. We live in a different city to my ILs about a 90 min drive away.

Since she was born, actually since I was pregnant, the ILs have been asking on repeat when they can take the baby away overnight to stay at theirs for a few days at a time. DH and I keep declining for many reasons. For example, she's exclusively breastfed. And mainly I don't like being apart from LO too long. Even when she goes out for a few hours with DH, I feel unsettled. And I don't agree with some of the things they want to do e.g ILs want to cosleep sometimes. I do sometimes cosleep but I only trust myself to do this and no one else. ILs have also been dropping hints that I should do things differently. For example, they keep suggesting I should just formula feed, so they can help with feeds. But I want to keep breastfeeding for the health benefits and she's growing well. I wanted to postpone a dummy until she was established with breastfeeding, but they kept pushing us to use a dummy. So all these little things add up and make me think even if I let LO stay over they wouldn't respect how I'd want her to be looked after once I'm not there.

Anyway they came to visit and again asked the question when we are going to let her stay over a few nights with them. And again we've had to state our position and DH was getting angry with them. It doesn't help that their own daughter's son, who lives around the corner from them, they look after him 4/7 days a week so they think this should be the same as ours. But I said it's different living round the corner as opposed to living in a completely different city.

I'm posting really just to get some perspective. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm the one BU? Are they just trying to help? Should I give in?

OP posts:
Thehop · 30/06/2022 22:19

My answer was and is always “when they ask”

when can we take him overnight
when he asks to sleep out

why won’t you let us
because I love him

why can’t we just give him a bottle
because I love him

why can’t we take him out
because I love him

or

because he’s mine

because I said so

also work

bellac11 · 30/06/2022 22:20

Bluetrews25 · 30/06/2022 21:46

I'm not the kind of person who thinks everyone is a paedo.
But seriously.
Is this not what a paedo would do? Grooming from a young age, sleep in my bed etc etc?
Why else would someone push and push and push?

Can you/DH say 'cripes Mum, this sounds exactly like what a paedo would say! Haha. I think you need to let this go, to prove to us that you aren't!'

If they are paedos - rumbled and know it
If they are not paedos - then they think twice and cop on to what they are sounding like. And back the f off.

Unfortunately I was just wondering this, perhaps Im being stereotypical even though women can be abusers but I find it odd a father in law would be remotely interested in having an 11 week old over for days at a time, let alone co sleeping, why?

OP is this both mother and father in law badgering you or just the mother in law?

Cherrysoup · 30/06/2022 22:22

It’s up to your Dh to have a serious word with them. They’re upsetting you. How on earth can they take the baby when your ebf? Are they a bit thick? Why on earth would you want to do mixed feeding when you don’t have/want to? Don’t let them ruin your time with your baby.

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 30/06/2022 22:27

YANBU- mine stayed at IL at around 4 months but she lives locally. Absolutely your decision OP

Original poster
PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 22:31

Mememene · 30/06/2022 22:11

I felt sick and angry for you. How dare they try to take the baby? What about saying would you and DH like to come and stay with the baby? That's different but to take a baby away from a breast feeding mother.

NUTS!!

We have suggested they come and stay overnight in our home, where they can then share night duties with me. They have done this only once so far. Then when I suggested further nights their always busy doing something else.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 30/06/2022 22:33

PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 22:31

We have suggested they come and stay overnight in our home, where they can then share night duties with me. They have done this only once so far. Then when I suggested further nights their always busy doing something else.

Show quote history

I wouldnt encourage that to be honest

is that how the subject of co sleeping came up?

Original poster
PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 22:34

@bellac11 Both ILs are being pushy. I find though it's FIL that can be the one instigating it. Whenever we have MIL she does the same but does back down when told no by us and goes along with our wishes.

OP posts:
Phos · 30/06/2022 22:35

YANBU.

My 5 year old stayed the occasional night with my mum since she was a baby and now stays once a week but she lives 2 miles away and has helped with looking after her since she was born pretty much. She never pushed for it, it's always been mutually agreed.

I will not however allow my 5 year old to stay with my ILs who live an hour away. Not least because they have shown previously that they haven't a clue how to look after her properly and would probably fill her head with nonsense. The idea of a sleepover at theirs hasn't come from her, they've suggested it to her behind my back.

Original poster
PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 22:36

Cherrysoup · 30/06/2022 22:22

It’s up to your Dh to have a serious word with them. They’re upsetting you. How on earth can they take the baby when your ebf? Are they a bit thick? Why on earth would you want to do mixed feeding when you don’t have/want to? Don’t let them ruin your time with your baby.

My DH has sat them down on his own multiple times. And when he does the ILs nod and agree to leave it alone. But the next time they visit or call then they start asking again.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 22:39

@bellac11 I can't remember when and how the issue of Co-sleeping came up. I do remember them saying they did it with their grandson.

OP posts:
FairFuming · 30/06/2022 23:01

My ex MIL did this. She has never been left alone with my DC overnight and they are 3 and 5 and never will be.

My DD didn't stay with my own parents who live 5 minutes away until she was almost 2 and that only happened because I was in labour with her brother. My DS went overnight for rhe first time 2 weeks ago as I was ill and he's almost 4.
These are mt parents who regularly help with childcare, never push their own agenda and completely respect all of my parenting decisions.

They are DC not dolls to play with and what your SIL allowed them to do has fuck all to do with anything.
Just give a solid No, no explanation or excuses.

EllaDuggee · 30/06/2022 23:03

YANBU. I would be deeply suspicious of anyone else wanting to co sleep with my baby, why would they want to , they wake up all the time at that age, it's really hard. That is very strange and would worry me something sinister is going on.
No your SIL is not helping , but that's her life/child ,you don't need to have the same approach. You may need to limit contact with them if they persist and it's getting too much. "I don't want her staying away from me overnight until she is much older" is a perfectly valid response.

Mememene · 30/06/2022 23:09

PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 22:31

We have suggested they come and stay overnight in our home, where they can then share night duties with me. They have done this only once so far. Then when I suggested further nights their always busy doing something else.

Show quote history

Then you have been more than reasonable. It sounds as if they are just interested in taking control of your baby. That's weird, wouldn't let them get any where near the baby on their own. Not a chance. They come and visit when you are there or forget it.

One great thing here is your husband is not siding with them.

MsMarple · 30/06/2022 23:15

Maybe don’t leave it to your DH then, if he’s tried before unsuccessfully? You really do need to be clear with them yourself though, as they sound utterly unreasonable, and wearing.

Next time they are planning to meet you, tell them before they come, that they are not to even mention it or you will cut the visit short and not feel able to see them for a while as it makes you feel so anxious. Make sure they know that your child won’t be staying anywhere without you until at least 7 years old, and if they keep harping on it will be a bit fat never ever for them.

Don’t enter into any discussions - and if they push it when they visit, give them a warning then ask them to leave.

billy1966 · 30/06/2022 23:40

Honestly OP, my spidery senses are going at your FIL wanting so young a baby to stay and to co sleep.

I really think you should talk to your GP.

I genuinely think this is very strange, not normal and frankly fxxked up.

I wouldn't want his parents around this child.

Ask the GP do they find it strange.

As for your husband, be honest and say you are going for independent advice because this is very off.

I was hospitalised after one of my babies was 8 weeks and was seriously ill. I was in hospital for 8 days. I expressed and dumped as I was on a lot of medication.

When I came home I was disorientated for weeks afterwards as it felt like I didn't know my baby.
An awful feeling.
I couldn't imagine any mother would want to volunteer their baby to be looked after anyone other than its parents.

It absolutely isn't in the babies best interests.

Protect your baby and yourself from these freaks.

LegInLegOut · 01/07/2022 00:00

It is entirely your and your husband's decision. They're clearly not taking no for an answer, therefore I think the only way now is, when they ask just say sternly ' I'm not getting into that again, so drop it ' and refuse to engage in the subject any further.
There would be no chance of my kids sleeping in the same bed as the grandparents when they were babies.
I used to have my grandchildren overnight as babies and the only time they went into bed with me was on a morning for a feed, nappy change and cuddles while grandad made me a cuppa.
Stick to your guns on this one.

Original poster
PinkCheetah · 01/07/2022 00:34

billy1966 · 30/06/2022 23:40

Honestly OP, my spidery senses are going at your FIL wanting so young a baby to stay and to co sleep.

I really think you should talk to your GP.

I genuinely think this is very strange, not normal and frankly fxxked up.

I wouldn't want his parents around this child.

Ask the GP do they find it strange.

As for your husband, be honest and say you are going for independent advice because this is very off.

I was hospitalised after one of my babies was 8 weeks and was seriously ill. I was in hospital for 8 days. I expressed and dumped as I was on a lot of medication.

When I came home I was disorientated for weeks afterwards as it felt like I didn't know my baby.
An awful feeling.
I couldn't imagine any mother would want to volunteer their baby to be looked after anyone other than its parents.

It absolutely isn't in the babies best interests.

Protect your baby and yourself from these freaks.

A couple of you have mentioned this now re FIL. Honestly this has never crossed my mind and I've never had the sense of anything sinister. But now my anxiety is through the roof and I'm doubting myself again. I wonder if I should mention this to DH, but to even do so would devastate him how I would even begin to discuss it??

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 01/07/2022 01:11

how I would even begin to discuss it

"Look, DH, their refusal to listen to us regarding DD is really affecting our relationship with them. If they don't want people to think they're weirdo paedophiles for wanting her in their bed, away from us, then they need to shut the fuck up, immediately. If they start up again I want you to give them one final warning, that the matter is closed, and that if they continue then we will not be seeing them any more, as they clearly don't give a shit about anything but themselves"

ThreeLittleDots · 01/07/2022 01:13

to even do so would devastate him how I would even begin to discuss it

Show him this thread.

KosherDill · 01/07/2022 01:17

I wouldn't let an 11-weeks old puppy do an overnight let alone a human.

They are nuts.

Pocodaku · 01/07/2022 02:00

bellac11 · 30/06/2022 22:20

Unfortunately I was just wondering this, perhaps Im being stereotypical even though women can be abusers but I find it odd a father in law would be remotely interested in having an 11 week old over for days at a time, let alone co sleeping, why?

OP is this both mother and father in law badgering you or just the mother in law?

Show quote history

Well, bed sharing with children and then grandchildren is perfectly normal in many cultures, as can having the grandkids overnight from a very young age. It isn’t, in itself, an expression of paedophilic desires. (Though 11 weeks is unusual even in these contexts!)
That said, the OP’s wishes must overrule the grandparents, and it’s wrong that they keep badgering her and trying to impose their own child-rearing practices.

Marvellousmadness · 01/07/2022 02:12

Make it very clear that this overnight stay isnt gonna happen for the next year at least! And tell them to stop asking

And never let yourself get pressured into anything. You dont have to. Just say no

Autienotnaughtie · 01/07/2022 03:30

I'd just say bluntly "sorry but dc won't be stopping out with anyone for at least a year or so. We will let you know when we feel ready. "

toooldtocarewhoknows · 01/07/2022 04:45

Give them a cheery 'oh it will definitely be before she starts school' and laugh.

I think mine were 3 or 4 before this happened. My in laws looked after them overnight at our house occasionally whilst we went away for a night.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 01/07/2022 05:01

11 weeks is way too young for a breastfed baby to be away from its mother for more than a couple of hours. Maybe suggest that they baby sit while your and DH go for lunch or something.

more than that is pretty unreasonable at 11 weeks. I Didn’t leave mine with my in laws (who also kept asking to have them) until they were at least 2.