ILs won't take no for an answer, but AIBU?

[PinkCheetah]

Hi all. I'm a first time mum and LO is 11 weeks old. We live in a different city to my ILs about a 90 min drive away.

Since she was born, actually since I was pregnant, the ILs have been asking on repeat when they can take the baby away overnight to stay at theirs for a few days at a time. DH and I keep declining for many reasons. For example, she's exclusively breastfed. And mainly I don't like being apart from LO too long. Even when she goes out for a few hours with DH, I feel unsettled. And I don't agree with some of the things they want to do e.g ILs want to cosleep sometimes. I do sometimes cosleep but I only trust myself to do this and no one else. ILs have also been dropping hints that I should do things differently. For example, they keep suggesting I should just formula feed, so they can help with feeds. But I want to keep breastfeeding for the health benefits and she's growing well. I wanted to postpone a dummy until she was established with breastfeeding, but they kept pushing us to use a dummy. So all these little things add up and make me think even if I let LO stay over they wouldn't respect how I'd want her to be looked after once I'm not there.

Anyway they came to visit and again asked the question when we are going to let her stay over a few nights with them. And again we've had to state our position and DH was getting angry with them. It doesn't help that their own daughter's son, who lives around the corner from them, they look after him 4/7 days a week so they think this should be the same as ours. But I said it's different living round the corner as opposed to living in a completely different city.

I'm posting really just to get some perspective. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm the one BU? Are they just trying to help? Should I give in?

[queenmabb]

They sound awful. Thank goodness your husband is on your side. Just keep repeating and tell them when she is about 3.

[PaperTyger]

I can't imagine going to see my dc babies and demanding when I will be able to get them alone.

Really your DH is doing all he can , at least he's standing up to them.

[Mischance]

How very weird - who the heck do they think they are?! Tell them to go forth and multiply.

[SeaToSki]

If I had been asked ‘what do you think is going to happen’ in that context, I might have been tempted to answer…you will ride roughshod over her just like you are trying to ride roughshod over me.

It sounds like they are acting like toddlers, I want I want gimme gimme…. Maybe it can be good practice for you to handle them before your LO turns into a toddler and tries on a tantrum.

So dont give the discussion oxygen.
I wont discuss this anymore MIL.
MIL the more you badger me about this, the longer it will be.
Why are you still going on about this, I thought I had made myself clear.
MIL if you ask me one more time, we will leave and we wont make more plans with you until you promise not to ask again.
When I am ready I will offer, its not for you to ask.

and then dont justify yourself or try and reason with them…you can never win when trying to reason with a toddler

[Maurepas]

They sound bonkers - no way let them take the baby! Very strange!

[Horsemad]

Honestly, if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. That's the sort of people they are. They've had their turn at parenting, now it's your turn.
Just. Say. NO.

She's YOUR baby, you decide where she sleeps.

My MIL lives in the same road as me & my (now adult) DC have never slept over at her house.

[Mally100]

Stop entertaining them with explanations. Tell them firmly, not for the next few years and to please stop asking.

[Raera]

The first time I looked after my grandson overnight alone, he was 2. His parents were in hospital having his brother and he slept in my bed in their house because it was very strange for him and needed that comfort, it was his choice to come in my bed.
He stayed at our house for the first time when he was over 3 because he wanted to!
I feel that's normal!

[Palava57]

Your LO is far too young and as a GM I certainly wouldn’t want the responsibility! We are looking forward to grandkids staying over maybe when they are 3-5 and they and their parents are comfortable with it 😊

[ComDummings]

@Horsemad

Honestly, if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. That's the sort of people they are. They've had their turn at parenting, now it's your turn.
Just. Say. NO.

She's YOUR baby, you decide where she sleeps.

My MIL lives in the same road as me & my (now adult) DC have never slept over at her house.

This ^

Do not be bullied. I’m always really suspicious of family who are desperate to separate a baby from their mother and keep pushing it. There’s no need, it’s pure selfishness.

[Gymnopedie]

But then MIL made me feel silly and said "she'll be fine, what do you think's going to happen?" And I just said "probably nothing bad, I just don't want to."

Perfect. I just don't want to is the only answer you need. No excuses or finding reasons. Keep saying it.

[RockinHorseShit]

Definitely NBU!!

Your baby is not a toy for their entertainment & they definitely don't have your babies best interests at heart, or are very ignorant. Neither one bodes well I'm afraid, it won't get easier unless you really put your foot down & then there can be falling out which in my experience is no bad thing with family like this

I'd reflect her question back to her... "oh really MIL, did FILs dad take your kids when they were so tiny?" I bet it's a no & even if she says yes, they did, then remind her how awful & taken over she most likely felt about it, & can you imagine if they lived so far away too" I would suggest ending with I hope you now understand why baby will not be staying with you until we are ready, if at all & that you must stop pressurising us as of now, as it puts us off ever letting DC stay with you at all as yiu are not respecting our very clear boundaries... now would you like tea, cake or whatever & refuse to discuss it further

[Lifeismeh]

I had this with my in-laws from pre birth. I said no and I got painted to be an absolute heathen and the exact words were ‘you’re ruining my chance to be a grandmother, this was my chance to do it all again’ 😬

in the end it went explosive and I said that there’s no way it would be happening until they were old enough to communicate it’s something that they wanted. It would have been sooner if she wasn’t such a dick 😊

YANBU op.

[CoffeeLover90]

My DS turned 3 this month. He's never slept out. My mam has let me know the offer is there, when I'm ready/needs must. I know a few people the same, I know some people who let theirs sleep out for a night from a few months old. Never heard of anyone having their 11 w.o stay out for a 'few days'. It's good to hear your DP is standing firmly in your corner. Tell them YOU decide when DC stays out and how long for. You're the parents and only yours and DP opinions matter.

[DelosParks]

My dd was nine (years) old before she wanted to have a sleepover.

[SnackSizeRaisin]

Mine is nearly 3 and I am thinking that she might like to have a sleepover with Mil in the next year. Might have done it sooner if the relationship was close but due to overbearing behaviour at the start it isn't. I definitely wouldn't do it before 18.months unless I actually needed a break myself. I don't think it's in the baby's interest and wouldn't do it for grandma's benefit alone. Plus it would cause problems with breastfeeding. If I thought they were going to cosleep against my wishes I would leave it until the child was school age.

I think you just need to be very clear and say she will not be staying at yours overnight for at least a year as it will interfere with breast feeding. They will get the message.

[PinkCheetah]

@Lifeismeh

I had this with my in-laws from pre birth. I said no and I got painted to be an absolute heathen and the exact words were ‘you’re ruining my chance to be a grandmother, this was my chance to do it all again’ 😬

in the end it went explosive and I said that there’s no way it would be happening until they were old enough to communicate it’s something that they wanted. It would have been sooner if she wasn’t such a dick 😊

YANBU op.

My ILs were like this from pre-birth too. Can I ask what your relationship with them is like now? Do you let them look after your DC independently in any other capacity? I'm starting to think the way it's going I'm gonna have to burn bridges with them.

[AmaryIlis]

You need to say that it isn't going to happen till your child is at least a year old, and you're not guaranteeing it will happen even then. And say that if they can't stop asking you're going to have to stop letting them see her even in your presence, because they're just causing a nasty atmosphere and unnecessary stress.

[PrinnyPree]

Oh my god YADNBU! That's insane, my son's 2 and I'd feel uneasy about that situation even now! No way in hell! I could understand them asking you ALL to stay over so they get an extended visit (although I still wouldn't be comfortable with this until 6 months) but why the hell do they want your baby alone. As another poster said I would be VERY uncomfortable with someone who'd try to seperate me from my baby.

Don't feel like you're being rude you tell them you don't want to hear about it again, it's not going to happen until your child is much older (and has the ability to communicate whether they would like to go). But certainly you will never be seperated from your child overnight whilst they are still a baby! I can't believe they are pressuring you to stop BFing to fascilitate this utter selfishness too. Absolutley appalling!

I wouldn't be letting them take her for hours on end without you either, I wouldn't trust them to not try to introduce formula or wean early with their inability to respect boundaries. X

[Ledkr]

Omg this makes me angry just reading it.
I'd just laugh and say don't be silly I'm nowhere near ready for that (shake head and carry on chuckling)
It's ludicrous. I have 6 gc and help if I'm asked to but apart from that I see that when it suits the parents.
They are jokers.

[NoSquirrels]

Oh they sound absolutely awful. Stick firmly to your guns on this. Your baby, your boundaries. They don’t sound like they have anyone’s interests at heart but their own.

[PaperTyger]

@SeaToSki

What a perfect response!

I wish I had said that !

[WishILivedInThrushGreen]

Please don't cave.
Your baby, your rules.
Your baby might never need a dummy , your mil is just latching onto this and bottle feeding so that she can have her all to herself.

Honestly, she sounds a bit desperate to relive her own babies all over again.

Keep firm and don't relent until you're comfortable. Tell her that you'll let her know when you're comfortable about leaving her overnight. Keep repeating this in a firm but friendly tone.

Your daughter is your baby, not hers. She's had hers.

Me... I'd love to be a grandmother ( my children are mid/late20s ) but the thought of a needy / feedy baby , overnight, fills me with angst.

[PinkCheetah]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm actually getting a bit emotional because I started to doubt myself and think maybe I'm the crazy one. But this thread has showed me that I can trust my instincts. In life I have been one to avoid conflict and people please. But not with my daughter. I've so far stuck to my guns on that but just needed a bit of hand holding today.

[Aquamarine1029]

In life I have been one to avoid conflict and people please. But not with my daughter

I'm very glad you've realised this. You no longer have the luxury of avoiding conflict. You shouldn't give a fuck what these nutters think anyway.