ILs won't take no for an answer, but AIBU?

[PinkCheetah]

Hi all. I'm a first time mum and LO is 11 weeks old. We live in a different city to my ILs about a 90 min drive away.

Since she was born, actually since I was pregnant, the ILs have been asking on repeat when they can take the baby away overnight to stay at theirs for a few days at a time. DH and I keep declining for many reasons. For example, she's exclusively breastfed. And mainly I don't like being apart from LO too long. Even when she goes out for a few hours with DH, I feel unsettled. And I don't agree with some of the things they want to do e.g ILs want to cosleep sometimes. I do sometimes cosleep but I only trust myself to do this and no one else. ILs have also been dropping hints that I should do things differently. For example, they keep suggesting I should just formula feed, so they can help with feeds. But I want to keep breastfeeding for the health benefits and she's growing well. I wanted to postpone a dummy until she was established with breastfeeding, but they kept pushing us to use a dummy. So all these little things add up and make me think even if I let LO stay over they wouldn't respect how I'd want her to be looked after once I'm not there.

Anyway they came to visit and again asked the question when we are going to let her stay over a few nights with them. And again we've had to state our position and DH was getting angry with them. It doesn't help that their own daughter's son, who lives around the corner from them, they look after him 4/7 days a week so they think this should be the same as ours. But I said it's different living round the corner as opposed to living in a completely different city.

I'm posting really just to get some perspective. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm the one BU? Are they just trying to help? Should I give in?

Keep being firm, I’d say it wont be for a while yet. BF or not BF. You shouldn’t be pushed into doing it when you’re not ready

Show him this thread.
their behaviour is not normal at all.

I’d honestly be keeping my baby well away from them.

Yanbu she is far to young and I wouldn't want anybody co sleeping with my baby. Just tell them you will discuss it when she's 1 or whatever age you feel comfortable. It's good that you and your husband are on the same page

Next time they mention it act as if you haven't heard them
Don't let it be an awkward silence, but say something completely off topic "I can't believe what's happening in Ukraine, we tried a new pasta sauce yesterday etc.
Repeatedly do that

Wo wo wo op dont gey yourself more upset.you won't be able to ever be comfortable with them having your dc. Your doing all the right things.
You don't ever need to people please when it comes to your children,especially one so young.
Don't now add layers to your frustration and panic.
You don't want them to have her so they won't.keep level headed and say no.no no.keep saying it.calm though because you are doing the right thing by your family so there is NO need to feel any kind if bad.
No we don't feel comfortable with that yet.
And I no you've done it for sil and your great but that just isntfor us.
no not saying that way is wrong but for us this is our right way and we want to find out own path with lo.
They are very different kiddies and this is right for our dc.
We don't want to keep getting into this.you gave to accept we want to do things our way.we need toearn.we appreciate your support so much and ALWAYS take it on board. But just because we then differ doesn't make us wrong or you.we just ARE find I g our way.thanks though.
And as soon as we get there you'll be the first babysitters don't you worry. But we also need to no you will go by our way of treating dc.we are a bit worried you want to change what we 're doing so can you not see our hesitancy.

Keep strong op.pleaze don't worry.you be that bad ass protective mother ok.you got this.

You never have to let your DC stay over with them if you're not happy. The good thing is your DH is on your side you can be a united front.

This is a good place to start.

I'm so sorry you are feeling stressed out even more.

Certainly not my intention.

I would definitely not be one to go to dramatic accusations but I find this really strange.

11 weeks is just so small that most people would be genuinely hesitant at the responsibility, but these people are harassing you.

I never co slept with my 4 babies because I would have been a bit nervous of rolling on them or a blanket covering them, so the idea of someone wanting to do it with their grandchild is just very strange.

Such a huge responsibility to be pushing for.

I think their causing you stress by haranguing you to do this, is also very strange.

I am very sceptical of anyone that refuses to hear the word No.

It speaks to me as very disordered thinking.

They want what THEY want, won't accept that this is not what YOU want, and simply won't let it go.

Your husband has gotten angry several times because of this.

Definitely not normal healthy people who seem able to accept that you have no wish to be parted with your baby.

I think speaking to your GP and asking for support would be good.

Anyone stressing a new mother/parents, is to be avoided.

At the very least I would not be encouraging visits and would be making them very short.
If they visit, make plans so that it can't be for long.

Give your husband the final opportunity, before they next visit, to say that there is to be NO further mention of overnights.

If they still do not respect this, you really have the reason to choose very little further contact.

On the basis of what you have written I certainly wouldn't be leaving any child with them.

My children never went for overnights as it wasn't something that they, or we wanted, so it really isn't an automatic thing that every family does.

I was a very relaxed, confident, first time mother in my 30's many years ago, and what you have written would have stressed me out no end, so this really isn't just you.

These people should be supportive of you and your husband, but instead they are harassing you "for a go off your baby"......like it is a toy bike they want a spin on.

This is really not normal.

Their feelings of entitlement to remove a baby from its mother for THEIR entertainment is NOT normal.

So do whatever you have to, to set down very firm boundaries with these people, who care so little for what is best for your baby and you.

Do NOT allow their harassing of you, to spoil this very special time that flies by so fast.

Wishing you the very best.

My in laws said and did exactly the same. It's one of the many reasons we no longer speak. You are not being unreasonable. They are. And in fact cruel to a new, vulnerable mother. Get your partner to deal with them and ignore.

"No, and this is non negotiable, so please stop asking"

DD is 19 months. Neither set of grandparents has ever had her overnight by herself (we've all stayed with my PiLs, but that's different). They've not actually had her all that often by herself full stop, and the vast majority of those times were because I've had a pregnancy scan (her upcoming sibling has to have two-weekly growth scans so I've had a lot of scans!) She's spent plenty of time with both sets of grandparents, but it's generally been when DH and I are around as well.

I always fail to understand what is gained in the grandchildren/ grandparent relationship by spending time exclusively together (particularly so young - when they're older and maybe the grandparents want to introduce them to a hobby or something that's a bit different). There's nothing wrong with it of course and if it's necessary for childcare or to give the parents a break or whatever, then great. But otherwise, I'd be making it clear (or getting DH to) that you're a package deal for the moment - they're welcome to see her but you come along too.

“Their feelings of entitlement to remove a baby from its mother for THEIR entertainment is NOT normal.”

This.

I’ve honestly only ever come across this on mumsnet, it’s very, very strange for grandparents to be so insistent on having your child overnight, as if she is some toy to ‘have a go of’.

DC1 is 5yo and has only ever spent the night away from me (with my mum and dad) twice and that was when I had DC2 and DC3.

@PinkCheetah
They sound like they're desperate to be more involved and so this is then coming across to you as being incredibly intense and repetitive.

I do not want it think that you can infer anything sinister due to them having coslept with their own children and other grandchild.

Are your parents @PinkCheetah more local? Do you have more frequent and regular contact? Please bear in your mind that often the father parents do get a rougher "deal" when it comes to grandchildren etc and their dils attitude towards them.

I don't think that you need to lose your shit. I think that you need to just be stating that you have no, intneiton of your child sleeping elsewhere overnight until they're significantly older. If you want say a toddler or something.

If they then ask again after saying this, I'd suggest asking them what date they were thinking of. Then say, OK, that's a date, at your home. You're then being very reasonable and offering them more contact in a manner you find comfortable.

Sorry, @TheVillageElder I disagree.

They sound like they're desperate to be more involved
There are so many ways to express or do this. Why is there a massive focus on taking this tiny baby away from its parents overnight?

If they then ask again after saying this, I'd suggest asking them what date they were thinking of. Then say, OK, that's a date, at your home. You're then being very reasonable and offering them more contact in a manner you find comfortable.
So OP needs to give them a date now one, two or more years away when she will hand her child over, regardless of her feelings or the childs?

What's wrong with just saying no?

OP has just given birth. She doesnt need this harrassment. The ILs and their wants and expectations are not her priority. They have shown they really don't prioritise the baby's needs by asking for BF to stop. And they don't care about OP's needs by asking again and again when they can take her 11 week old baby away to co-sleep with them.

They need to listen when they have been repeatedly asked to stop raising this topic.

Overnight, maybe when she’s 3 or 4. Several days, when she’s 7 or 8. They are being utterly bonkers.

And no one except parents ever gets to co-sleep. Ever.

If they're that keen to be helpful, perhaps they could come over a couple of times a week and take DD out for a walk in the pram so you can catch up on some sleep. If they're not keen on that idea, then you know this isn't about DD and helping you and DH, but some other weird control issues. Which I suspect it is.

If they're not keen on that idea, then you know this isn't about DD and helping you and DH

They live 90 minutes away. A 3 hour round trip just to push a pram is not my idea of a fun day out TBH.

I would be tempted, given that they are going on about cosleeping, and that they are not accepting the “no” from you, to use the “advice from the health visitors” or some other authority as a possible tactic when dealing with them.

overnight - health visitors recommend against this as the parents are bonding with the baby and due to the practicality of breastfeeding.

cosleeping - also not recommended by health visitors, similar reasons to above and also it has led to safeguarding concerns. We wouldn’t want anything like that to happen.

Of course that’s all nonsense but I found that saying that the GP/midwife/health visitors had said something meant interfering people would accept it or at least shut up about it for a while.

And yes, they are the crazy ones, not you!

RTFT! OP has invited them to stay over. They did this once and then have been 'busy' for subsequent invitations.

that's crazy! all of mine were a nightmare and I had to force my mum to have dd one afternoon a week (because she would cry at nursery until she threw up as she hated it so) and was DESPERATE for the grandparents to have an interest.

But overnight> no co - sleeping ? GTFOOH
way way way over the top

couple of hours when YOU are ready? to spring clean/get your hair did/sleep/go for lunch - oh god please - but when YOU feel comfortable

A bit of an update.

First off thank you all so much for your responses and kind words. You've really helped to clarify my thinking. To also clarify also, FIL keeps asking for overnight stays but it's the MIL who wants to cosleep. I don't think FIL has any preference on the matter so I get everyone's concerns but I find it unlikely anything sinister going on.

DH and I have had a long talk about it again this afternoon. I discussed all my concerns mentioned here. I've told him it feels like harassment/bullying. He is equally as frustrated and admits when ILs bring up the subject he just loses it sometimes with them meaning talks are not as productive as they could've been.

He's admitted he would like DD to stay with them for a few days but he was thinking when she was 4 or 5 years old. And when we felt ready. I agreed with him.

He's going to get both of them on the phone this evening and speak to them again. Restate the position and tell them not to bring it up again. I offered to be there with him or wait to do it face to face altogether but he says he just wants to deal with them sooner rather than later. I just don't feel hopeful it's going to change anything because we've been here before and they keep doing it.

Good luck and when they bring it up again you can refer back to today's conversation again and refuse to discuss it again.

Your DH sounds amazing.
fuck no would be my answer.
and if it was yes it would be a few hours to start and then build up bit just handing her off for a couple of nights!