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ILs won't take no for an answer, but AIBU?

186 replies

PinkCheetah · 30/06/2022 18:13

Hi all. I'm a first time mum and LO is 11 weeks old. We live in a different city to my ILs about a 90 min drive away.

Since she was born, actually since I was pregnant, the ILs have been asking on repeat when they can take the baby away overnight to stay at theirs for a few days at a time. DH and I keep declining for many reasons. For example, she's exclusively breastfed. And mainly I don't like being apart from LO too long. Even when she goes out for a few hours with DH, I feel unsettled. And I don't agree with some of the things they want to do e.g ILs want to cosleep sometimes. I do sometimes cosleep but I only trust myself to do this and no one else. ILs have also been dropping hints that I should do things differently. For example, they keep suggesting I should just formula feed, so they can help with feeds. But I want to keep breastfeeding for the health benefits and she's growing well. I wanted to postpone a dummy until she was established with breastfeeding, but they kept pushing us to use a dummy. So all these little things add up and make me think even if I let LO stay over they wouldn't respect how I'd want her to be looked after once I'm not there.

Anyway they came to visit and again asked the question when we are going to let her stay over a few nights with them. And again we've had to state our position and DH was getting angry with them. It doesn't help that their own daughter's son, who lives around the corner from them, they look after him 4/7 days a week so they think this should be the same as ours. But I said it's different living round the corner as opposed to living in a completely different city.

I'm posting really just to get some perspective. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm the one BU? Are they just trying to help? Should I give in?

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Glittertwins · 30/06/2022 18:14

She is way too young to be away from you. Put your foot down, you clearly are not happy being pushed into something you don't want and ILs are being bloody ridiculous

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whiteroseredrose · 30/06/2022 18:15

When LO is old enough to say that she wants to?

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Amichelle84 · 30/06/2022 18:17

You aren't being unreasonable at all, don't give in.

They will keep asking though so I think you and your partner need to have a firm conversation with them.

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Keyboardist · 30/06/2022 18:18

Tell them to piss off. I never understand other people's desperation to take another mother's child away from her when the mother has said no.

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JennyForeigner · 30/06/2022 18:19

With in laws that pushy I'd be saying not till the heat death of the universe

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Isaidnoalready · 30/06/2022 18:19

Nope keep your boundaries they have raised there children time for you to raise yours your way not there's

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Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2022 18:20

Of course you shouldn't give in, and I wouldn't let my baby stay with these obnoxious nutters ever. If I were you, I would consider that bridge thoroughly burned. What they are demanding is absolutely ridiculous and just not normal, acceptable behaviour. Who on earth do they think they are? You can't trust them, they have made that abundantly clear.

This is your baby. Never, ever back down.

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5zeds · 30/06/2022 18:21

Tell them when she’s between 5 and 7 if she wants to. Tell them she is going to be breastfed for several years in line with best practice. Tell them she is never going to sleep in her grandparents bed with them.
You would be totally unremarkable in all these decisions and they are being extremely silly. If they argue with you explain gently that she is your child and will be raised as you see fit. If they continue to argue pick the baby up and leave the room.
youare the mother, they have had their turn.

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Hollygoshitely33 · 30/06/2022 18:21

Wtf. They are crossing the line massively here. Why do they feel the need to co sleep with your baby? Very odd and overbearing. Say no and keep saying no until they take the hint or piss off and leave you alone. A young baby belongs with its parents.

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Sharrowgirl · 30/06/2022 18:22

Of course you’re not unreasonable. Your DH needs to have a word with them and tell them to back the fuck off.

They’ve had their babies and raised them how they wanted and now it’s your turn. Don’t let them make you think you’re in the wrong, you are absolutely not.

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Waterfallgirl · 30/06/2022 18:23

You are not being unreasonable and I’m glad your DH and you are both agreed on this.
Wanting to co sleep seems really OTT to me also / they sound like they want to be very controlling over her. Keep to what you are doing and saying …. No no no .. that’s it.
I like @whiteroseredrose suggestion above.

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VickyEadieofThigh · 30/06/2022 18:23

YANBU. Your baby, your rules. I think you possibly need to close it down by telling them that YOU will let THEM know when you're ready - but in fact, that day might never come, so they need to STOP BADGERING.

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MatildaTheCat · 30/06/2022 18:23

Good God this is madness.

DH needs to tell them in words of one syllable that she won’t be staying with them for a really long time and you absolutely don’t want to have it mentioned again. You will bear it in mind and ask them if and when you want to.

Which might be never. I’d also reduce contact with them especially if they continue.

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pamshortsbrokenbothherlegs · 30/06/2022 18:23

Your in laws sound batshit OP. Almost like they want to pretend they have a baby again? 😒

I mean, cosleeping is safest (some might say only safe) for breastfeeding mums. We know this. The idea of sleeping with somebody else's baby is just... odd, to me.

Besides, your DD is WAY too young for you to even be considering this! Stick to your guns.

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Summerofcontent · 30/06/2022 18:24

Why are some grandparents so desperate to have their grandchildren overnight.

My only grandchild isn't yet two and although I look after her one day a week I can think of nothing worse than having her overnight.

I would have her in an emergency, no problem but not just for fun

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Shinyandnew1 · 30/06/2022 18:24

They can’t just decide that they will cosleep with someone else’s child!

It would be an indefinite ‘no’ from me

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CucumberCool · 30/06/2022 18:24

God no you are definitely not being u! It's a bit weird they want to cosleep in my opinion!

My little is 4 months and I definitely wouldn't be leaving her with anyone!

Stick to your guns. You're baby, your rules.

Tell them in no uncertain terms it's not going to happen

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comealongponds · 30/06/2022 18:27

YADNBU

Your DD is so tiny! She needs to be with you.

Absolutely do not change how you parent her based on what your PIL would prefer. You and DH are her parents, you get to do what you think is best.

even when she’s older, there’s no need for her to stay with PIL if you don’t want her to, especially if you don’t trust them to do things how you want.

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cptartapp · 30/06/2022 18:29

Just see less of them.

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phoneybaloney · 30/06/2022 18:29

Agree with everyone else.

I think have one more conversation, stating to them that this is the last time you will be saying no. The conversation is over. If they continue asking I'd cut the visit short. If they carry it on next visit, decline visits for a while.

They sound bonkers and with zero boundaries btw. I'd personally not be heartbroken if these were my in-laws and a huge falling out happened.

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Staryflight445 · 30/06/2022 18:30

Yeah they’re being weird. Yanbu

Just say no. You don’t need to give a reason. No is enough.

‘no’

‘oh op but…’

’my answer was no and this is not up for discussion’

simples.

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BringBackCoffeeCreams · 30/06/2022 18:30

My son is 9 and has never spent the night away from me. Don't allow them to guilt you into doing something you don't want I always get the feeling that people who push to do this do it precisely because they want to be free to impose their ways rather than following the parents.

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TakeYourFinalPosition · 30/06/2022 18:31

Oh got my in-laws are like this. Just say no. No reasons; just close it down every time it’s mentioned.

Honestly I spent years trying to be nicer and friendlier and it doesn’t work with this type of person. Life has been easier for us all since I’ve been a lot more blunt. They ask less frequently and it’s not as stressful.

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PragmaticWench · 30/06/2022 18:31

I'm glad to hear your DH is getting cross with them about this, you see so many people on here in this situation where the DH is as supportive as a wet dish cloth and let's his parents walk all over his wife.

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EmbroidedFlowers · 30/06/2022 18:32

That must be so difficult OP. You're right to say no, they're stepping way over the line. You're the parents, not them. Your family unit is more important than how the IL's feel, they can't force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with.

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