ILs won't take no for an answer, but AIBU?

[PinkCheetah]

Hi all. I'm a first time mum and LO is 11 weeks old. We live in a different city to my ILs about a 90 min drive away.

Since she was born, actually since I was pregnant, the ILs have been asking on repeat when they can take the baby away overnight to stay at theirs for a few days at a time. DH and I keep declining for many reasons. For example, she's exclusively breastfed. And mainly I don't like being apart from LO too long. Even when she goes out for a few hours with DH, I feel unsettled. And I don't agree with some of the things they want to do e.g ILs want to cosleep sometimes. I do sometimes cosleep but I only trust myself to do this and no one else. ILs have also been dropping hints that I should do things differently. For example, they keep suggesting I should just formula feed, so they can help with feeds. But I want to keep breastfeeding for the health benefits and she's growing well. I wanted to postpone a dummy until she was established with breastfeeding, but they kept pushing us to use a dummy. So all these little things add up and make me think even if I let LO stay over they wouldn't respect how I'd want her to be looked after once I'm not there.

Anyway they came to visit and again asked the question when we are going to let her stay over a few nights with them. And again we've had to state our position and DH was getting angry with them. It doesn't help that their own daughter's son, who lives around the corner from them, they look after him 4/7 days a week so they think this should be the same as ours. But I said it's different living round the corner as opposed to living in a completely different city.

I'm posting really just to get some perspective. Sometimes I do wonder if I'm the one BU? Are they just trying to help? Should I give in?

Why are people so obsessed with having a baby for a sleepover? My mum is amazing and close to all my children, sees them regularly and they adore her and have done since they were tiny but they didnt go for sleepovers until they were older. DS was 4yrs, DD1 was 2yrs (wanted to be like her brother) DD2 was 3yrs. They have a rota system and she has 1 of them every friday night (they are now 7yrs, 5yrs and 4yrs) which they love but no way would i have let them go as babies.

It's bloody weird isn't it? I also don't understand why people, especially grandparents, get sooo obsessed with wanting to feed the baby? Especially to the point where they're encouraging a mother to give up breastfeeding!

My mum was gutted when I had to start combi feeding and I still maintained that I wanted to be the only one to feed him (except for DH) 🤣

As for wanting to co sleep with your baby?! Utterly bizarre

Pink, I can't understand why in law's do this.
I had the same,my mil absolutely ruined the happiest days of my life when dd was born.
She wedged in, critising, telling me I was lucky, because I was walking around, got me working, told me off for eating chocolate breast feeding, shouted at me.

Then as I was distraught the health visitor said DH should take dd there once a week ???

Where mil would wake her up and when dd cried she said "it's because she doesn't know me".

I'll never ever forgive her. .we don't speak now,we have tried but it's her personality and yes these people are like this with the DC!
It's beyond disrespectful to override you and their own son! He said no!!!!

We went no contact for about six months, she realised it was me who facilitated the relationship (mostly due to DHs work comitmenrs)

my DH told her that if her behaviour didn’t change she wouldn’t see them at all because she wasn’t respecting us when we said no. It’s harmonious now.
i still don’t trust her, I still don’t like her, but she’s a fantastic grandmother and I don’t want to get in the way of that.

she sees us once a week, and maybe once or twice a month she’ll have them for a couple of hours. We drop them off at her house (I’m anal about car safety and don’t trust her/anyone) and that’s it so far. I’m not ready to be away from them for the night yet! (1&3)

set your boundries, be firm. It was easier with the second because she’d made a mug of me with the first, basically 😂

They asked when your baby was 2-3 weeks old, WTF??? Absurd! I'm amazed they didn't try to take her when she was fresh out of your womb 😟

My daughters started sleepovers with their grandparents at about 3 to 4 years old. Grandparents never asked for this when they were babies.

Get them a reborn doll.

honestly, encouraging a mother to give up feeding her tiny baby just so they can have the baby overnight is absolutely insane. Who do they think they are, putting their own needs above a newborn’s!

Don't doubt yourself! Don't let them dent your confidence.

My dch didn't stay with their DGPs until they were 8 or 9 and the ILS let them watch an 18 cert film that frightened the living daylights out of them, so that was the first and only time!

If your DH gets angry with them, let him. This is outrageous behaviour by them.

id be deeply suspicious of someone who thinks this is ok. Do one or either of them have mental health issues???

Oh and as others have said (but I just have to say again) non parents cosleeping with babies is dangerous. OP they just sound awful!

OP do not say perhaps when your dc is older because they’ll just push and push.
Tell them straight that you refuse to discuss your baby leaving your care and will not give it any thought at all until you’re ready to do so.
If they bring it up again just close the conversation down every time.
And the answer to what do you think will happen is ‘nothing because my child is staying with me.’

Just say no! Don't even entertain any further convesation on the matter. My two were exclusively BF and they would have hated being away from me all night at that age, let alone several night. My rule has always been they can go when they ask me. They're 5 and 2 and haven't asked yet.

Also when did go there alone on the odd occasion, in law's worked on them to say they wanted to stay over, even their voices sounded different.

Agree with everyone above, your baby is tiny and doesn't need to be staying the night with anyone else.
Could be good in the future for nights out/weekends away though if you think they're cabapable! It's going to depend on what your sons personality is like and his relationship with them. My boy is nearly 2 and an absolute clinger, hasn't spent much time with relatives so I'm a bit worried but if we could see my SIL a bit more I'd be happy for him to stay with them.
Perhaps you could give them a rough idea of when might be appropriate I.e when they're a toddler and sleeping properly?? That might bat them off for a bit.

What? A 11 week old? Tell them she can come when she expresses her wish to do so. Which is what I told my parents and ILs....

OP,

You are being bullied by them.

It is in laws like this that can trigger the blues in new mothers.

I am not being dramatic when I suggest you go low contact via your partner.

Thank goodness they live 90 minutes away.

Stop any phone contact and tell your partner you need space from them and their utterly ridiculous suggestions.

I can believe how entitled they are.

They certainly don't care about you.

I wouldn't trust them with any child of mine, they are to detached from what is normal.

Demanding a new born for sleep overs is NOT normal and to my mind fxxked up.

Step away from them.

I'm not the kind of person who thinks everyone is a paedo.
But seriously.
Is this not what a paedo would do? Grooming from a young age, sleep in my bed etc etc?
Why else would someone push and push and push?

Can you/DH say 'cripes Mum, this sounds exactly like what a paedo would say! Haha. I think you need to let this go, to prove to us that you aren't!'

If they are paedos - rumbled and know it
If they are not paedos - then they think twice and cop on to what they are sounding like. And back the f off.

Your baby could develop an attachment disorder if she is away from you for several days which will be a lifetime to her. It will break her trust in the person she is bonded to. Absolute madness and utterly selfish of them to suggest it.

No freakin’ way. Pushy nightmares.

Just laugh at them and say no. Every time. You’ll have to stay it a lot.

"If your daughter wants to delegate her parenting to you, then that's up to her, however we will be parenting our daughter, to our standards.

I said on another thread yesterday that the Three Do's apply to GPs with no or poor boundaries and, God knows they'll apply to the arseholes who procreated your husband.

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what the fuck you're told, then.

It's a shame that anyone would have to be so blunt with the GPs, but it's the only way with batshit imbeciles like those. I'd be recommending NC as no-one needs a relationship with selfish cunts, regardless of any shared DNA.

The bairn needs you two.

This comes up often on MN. You don’t need to give them any reason other than you don’t want to do it.

Agree with others that the demands for formula and expectations of cosleeping are really chilling. And all about them. And weird.

The constant asking is really unsettling and must feel like harassment. I think they are creating an ongoing sense of you disappointing them in the hope that you cave in, but please DON’T.

Can you and your DH sit them down and say ‘We need you to listen carefully. We don’t want baby going anywhere overnight and you need to stop asking. If she wants to in a few years then we will ask you then. We are not discussing it any more,’

And then pretend you can’t hear them if they ever mention it again. They are being VVVVVVU.

YANBU! DS1 is 2.5 and has only stayed out with grandparents in a complete emergency. DS2 has never spent a night away. We don't plan on that changing any time soon. Anyone who was SO pushy about having them alone would be a red flag as it would tell me they want to do something they know you would never allow. I have also never understood people wanting to co sleep with someone else's baby. I wouldn't even trust myself never mind a grandparent. Stand your ground. I know people who have let their babies sleepover with grandparents at 3 weeks old, and others that haven't allowed it til 5. It's down to what YOU feel comfortable with. I'm firmly in camp when they're old enough to ask to

In life I have been one to avoid conflict and people please. But not with my daughter
This was me too. It's hard.

I say "in a few years" because just saying when she's older means they'll keep asking.
And "it doesn't matter what could happen or what someone else does with their kids. DD is mine and I'll do what I think is best for her and me." And when they say "what about what we want?" "You're not my kid."

I felt sick and angry for you. How dare they try to take the baby? What about saying would you and DH like to come and stay with the baby? That's different but to take a baby away from a breast feeding mother.

NUTS!!

It all depends on you. My dd spent a night away at 4 weeks old because it was right for us. It sounds like your DH is supportive though so I would let him deal with them

No way. Stand your ground. Far too young, it would be traumatic for both of you