Sisters funeral

[Naughtybutnice76]

My sister sadly took her own life and the funeral is next week. Her son's wishes are that we as a family (mum, dad, sister, son) travel in the car and sit together at the funeral. My mum and dad are separated. My Dad wants his partner on the front row with us, the same woman he had an affair with while my parents were married. Is it unreasonable to ask that she doesn't sit with us? We all get along, that isn't the issue. It just feels like this should be a time where family wishes come first. AIBU?

So sorry for your loss.

I totally get where you are coming from but your dad, who has lost a daughter, will want the support from his partner.

It's a hard one.

That's a tragic situation, I'm sorry. I agree with the pp, your father should have his partner. I know you will be, but shifting your focus from where people sit back to your sister will help.

🌈💐🙏so very sorry for the passing of your sister.
It is her wishes at her own funeral and they should be respected and followed through with good grace by all concerned.

I'm very sorry for your loss

I disagree with PPs. I think the son's wishes trump your father's. It will be very difficult for your mum to have the OW there. There are times to put your own feelings first and times to think of the needs of the greater number. Your father is being unreasonable.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it's reasonable that immediate family only sit in the front row. I've been at family funerals where the children of the deceased sit in the front row and their spouses sit behind them. I don't think it's a big ask for her to sit with other family members further back if it is your nephew's preference.

i think your father needs to ask your nephew if he's ok with that. And if your nephew says ok, then you all have to live with it, and if he says no (and father sits elsewhere) you all have to live with that too.

I am very sorry for your loss for all of you who are left behind. It must be unimaginably awful to lose a sister especially in that way. But does it really matter if your Dad has his partner there in the front row? She will give him the support he needs. I would say that if your nephew feels very strongly either way then his wishes should come first, but surely a death this close means that this isn't the time to let old grievances affect the way we are towards the ones that we love. Time to focus on how short life is and lovingly let those that we love, be.

If the nephew doesn't have enough empathy for his grandfather, who has lost his daughter , to allow him the comfort of his partner... his wishes really don't matter. Affair or not, your dad can sit with his partner, and if he's relegated to a different seat, so be it. That would be pointlessly cruel though.

I'm probably going to be in the minority here, but I think you should respect her son's wishes, and leave the affair partner out. It's horribly disrespectful to put her with the mum, dad, sister, and son. So she's your dad's partner? So what? She doesn't belong in the car in this instance.

Also, I am really sorry for the loss of your sister. How sad.

Does he want her in the car or just to sit with him at the service?

I really dont think its fair that the mom who's lost her daughter has to sit with the affair partner on one of the hardest days of her life. Immediate family. Follow the sons wishes. His partner can support him, she doesn't need to be sitting next to him.

In my experience, spouses sit on the row behind immediate family. That's how it was at my dad's, my late husband's and most recently, my MILs funeral.

Of course that's not a rule that everyone had to abide by, but its traditional enough that your nephew isn't out of order for wanting that to be how it is.

Personally, if I was the OW I hope I'd be tactful enough to say that I'd rather be in the second row, directly behind partner.
She'd still be able to support, and even hold his hand or whatever, from there.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister. You must all be absolutely heartbroken.

Family's wishes are indeed important, but your father is family. Regardless of how/why your parents' marriage broke up, your father is now in a long-term relationship with his partner and of course he wants her there for support. The loss of a family member is hard enough for all of you as it is, and I think telling your father his partner can't sit with him is simply going to make it all much harder. This just isn't the time for that kind of conflict. You say you all get along, so if you've managed to get along up until now, do not pick a traumatic time like this to change that.

I'm so sorry for your loss. At my family funerals only close family sit in the front rows. My Dh + other DW/DHs/ Partners etc sat behind us.

says a lot about people that on the eve of someone’s funeral they can’t just do what that person would have wanted. For all of an hour .

sorry for the loss of your sister. I hope for her and her son’s sake the other adults concerned can do the right thing, especially given the circumstances of the affair.

I appreciate that this is a difficult time for all of you but you yourself said “Family wishes come first”; Well your Dad is family too! Also, I would not think much of the new partner who didn’t care about being there, providing support to him. A funeral is a time when you might need a handhold or an arm round you after all.

You say "family's wishes come first" but isn't your Dad just as much "family" as anyone else? Losing child is very hard. I think that if there is space and if she is unlikely to behave inappropriately in any way, then your Dad should be able to have her with him if he wishes. Especially if, for example, you/your mum/your nephew are closer to each other than to him, and more likely to be supporting each other. Do any of the other three of you have partners? If you do and they are being left out then that would be somewhat different.

When my sibling died as an adult both myself and my parents were in an awful state at the funeral. My poor dad had me on one side and my mum on the other. My husband sat separately as he had my young daughters. My aunt came and sat with me so I had someone to support me. She was amazing and I really needed her.

We were actually ok in the car, just the service. Could you consider a compromise where she isn't in the car but is next to your dad for his support?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm pretty sure at both my mother's funeral and my father's funeral, partners sat together.

He should follow his grandson's wish. If your dad's new partner is understanding, she should support this.

Of course her son's wishes should be respected. He has lost his mother in tragic circumstances. He wants and needs his blood relatives close to him to help him through and support each other with what will be a very difficult day. I would hope your Dad's partner would be sensitive and recognise that while she can support your Dad she needs to stay in the background.

People are referring to your sister's wishes. How do they know what they would be?

Note to self- remind my kids I don't give a shit who sits where at my funeral and they can have whoever they like to support them in the car, seat, bar.

The son has lost his mother. Your parents have lost their daughter. IMO the affair partner/ second wife should have a bit of respect/sensitivity and sit with the other spouses in the row behind the parents, son and siblings.
There should be no arguing about it.

Good for you!