Sisters funeral

[Naughtybutnice76]

My sister sadly took her own life and the funeral is next week. Her son's wishes are that we as a family (mum, dad, sister, son) travel in the car and sit together at the funeral. My mum and dad are separated. My Dad wants his partner on the front row with us, the same woman he had an affair with while my parents were married. Is it unreasonable to ask that she doesn't sit with us? We all get along, that isn't the issue. It just feels like this should be a time where family wishes come first. AIBU?

@howtomoveforwards

My feelings exactly

Totally understand there are different views and a man has lost his daughter but maybe the your sisters son only wants his imitate family by his side that includes his Grandad.

I’m very sorry for the loss of your sister.
Her son has lost his mum and his wishes should be respected and there should only be family in the front row. Your parents have lost their daughter, at her funeral the OW should not be sat at the front, it’s quite thoughtless to your mum.

Personally I think it would be nice to do it the way the son prefers, then all the close family members of the persons whose funeral it is are at the front.

however I can understand her father might want support and might want to sit back with his wife.

whatever happens, sorry for your loss and the added complication the separated parents brings to funeral arrangements.

That's not fair @Naughtybutnice76 @howtomoveforwards - OP has said nothing to suggest that her father's partner is seeking to be "centre focus". On the contrary, she's happy sitting with her family. It's her partner, OP DF's who wants her support at his daughter's funeral and there's probably a way to ensure he can have the support he wants and OP and the other family members can too.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable

These are times to pull together not play family politics. Your father has lost his child, let him have the comfort of his partner. It’s such a sad time, anything that helps without harming others (for example by denying them the support of their partner) is okay. Sorry for your loss.

There is more than one way of saying goodbye.

You don't have to be dicatated to by others.

It is your grief and the OP's grief.

Try turning it round

If a grandfather doesn’t have enough empathy for his grandson who has lost his mother to take a short car journey without his partner and then sit one row in front of his partner?

Your dad should accept it’s not appropriate to have his partner sit there. She can sit elsewhere as it’s not her immediate family. If her needs support he has his children there who can comfort one another. Plus it would be so inappropriate and disrespectful to your mum. Sorry for your loss

So very sorry about your sister OP.

If the OW had one strand of decency in her,she should be the one saying, I will sit with my children you sit with yours.

Once the service is over she can be with your Dad.

I truly hope your Dad does the right thing. 💐

Three of the four memebers of the immediate family are agreed. And yes, having her in the car and on the front row DOES harm others. The bereaved mother who has to have the OW sitting with her, and the son and sister who would also much prefer to only have those who share the same close family relationship with them at such a traumatic time.

I think YABU. Your nephew is not your dad's child so I think this is quite a strange demand coming from him, it would make more sense coming from you.

Even so, given you say you all go along I think YABU.

he doesn't think his partner would have a problem with it but that he wants her there with him

I think he needs to decide whether it is worth causing a fuss over. He has lost a daughter, which is terrible for him. But you mum has also lost a daughter. And your nephew, at just 19, has lost his mother. I'd tell him to respect your nephew's wishes tbh.

I agree 100% with this. If the dad’s wife had empathy then she herself would understand that it’s a lot of additional stress to put into a woman whose tragically lost her daughter.

So sorry for your loss.

Your dad can choose whether to travel with his partner, or with his grandson, daughter and ex wife.

He can choose where he wants to sit, with his grandson daughter and ex wife or with his partner.

Personally I think it's more appropriate for him to sit with his current partner than his ex wife, especially if he wants her comfort.

He clearly isn't sitting with his ex, grandson and daughter in order to support them so he should sit with someone who he feels supported by.

Do your mum and you have partners? If they aren't going in the car, neither should his.

I've been to funerals where a parent has lost a child. I'd never deny them any comfort that helps.

If it upsets your mum, they can travel separately, and sit at the other end of the row perhaps.

The pain I've seen is all encompassing, unnatural in a way. That doesn't diminish the pain of losing a parent or a sibling, it is however something I'll never forget the sight and sound of.

In fairness though, she is probably more concerned about her own husband wanting and needing her support than how his ex wife (or presumably many years) feels about it.

I think dad should sit elsewhere with his wife though, if that's what he needs, rather than trying to force her into the front row.

Exactly. For those who have never been to a funeral of a suicide, honestly, I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I know suicide is so complex for everyone involved but it (for me) was the worst thing possible to attend and so, so sad. And I was her best friend and not even a relative. God only knows how you're feeling OP so big un-MN hug to you from me.

I think I'd probably do this... honestly it's not all about her at this moment in time. If she were mature enough to think about this, she'd just back off/step aside at this moment in time.

I can't believe you have all got the emotional reserve to argue over where people should sit. When I brother took his own life last year I couldn't even attend his funeral I was so distraught let alone get caught up with who might sit where!

OP's step-mum is bloody lucky (even after all this time and remarriage) that she and her DC are being allowed to attend the funeral, because a lot of families I know, would have a hard time allowing that to happen (as step-mum was originally OW). I mean, how close were the step-mum's DC close to OP's sister? Presumably not that close... at a guess.

This sort of post reminds me of why DH and I have chosen to have direct cremations not funerals.

@Libertybear80

Read the thread we are not arguing!

I agree with you actually. Suicides as I've said before (and others) seem to render people so distraught that they don't care where they sit, in my experience anyway. It was all I could do to be in the middle/back of the church, supported by 2 close friends (had broken up with my partner recently) and even then I was very upset. Her family were even more upset naturally but it was an event (a suicide) that I wouldn't wish on anyone to have to go through, ever.