Sisters funeral

[Naughtybutnice76]

My sister sadly took her own life and the funeral is next week. Her son's wishes are that we as a family (mum, dad, sister, son) travel in the car and sit together at the funeral. My mum and dad are separated. My Dad wants his partner on the front row with us, the same woman he had an affair with while my parents were married. Is it unreasonable to ask that she doesn't sit with us? We all get along, that isn't the issue. It just feels like this should be a time where family wishes come first. AIBU?

I'm so sorry your been through this too.

However I don't think it's fair to compare your grief with the OP's. How she and her family are dealing with things may be based on a completely different background and family dynamic to yours

Grief hits us all differently. And we all respond differently too.

Not everyone grieves in the same way.

Not every funeral has to have drama or arguments. In fact a lot don't have drama or arguments.

Unless you've never been to one, a suicide funeral is completely different to a normal one, in my experience. Very emotionally charged.

OP, you have my deepest deepest sympathies.

As someone who has gone through this tragedy in recent months I know just how different bereavement by suicide is and the emotions that entails so please take pp comments with a grain of salt, until you are in it you truly have no idea.

The road for you all is tough and long, but from experience we've found its been toughest on the children so if your nephews request is for blood line family to sit front row then that is what should happen. Your fathers partner will completely. understand if its broken to her in the right way

Please take care of yourself in the days, weeks, months, years ahead. Talk openly to each other and seek out additional support. May your dear sister be at peace now

@GonnaGetGoingReturns

Exactly this! My father's partner of course helped him support my sister through her dark days but her children were not involved in this nor are we particularly close, so I think as you said the fact that they are attending is enough.

My mum supported my sister day and night through very very dark times, shouldn't she at least get to grieve her daughter with her family?

@Tubs11

Thank you so much for your kind words. As you've said unless you've been through a bereavement by suicide there is no way anyone can possibly understand the emotions. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. So sorry for your loss, these truly are dark days 💐

I’m so sorry you have lost your sister, OP, and now your father is causing further upset with his and his partner’s selfishness. Your nephew’s wishes are more important than your father’s. It would also be unpleasant for your mother to be forced into the OW’s company, even though the loss of her daughter is uppermost in her mind.

Also, I’m surprised the partner wants to intrude on such a painful occasion — she must have skin thicker than a rhino’s.

The father and his partner have already illustrated their priority by turning up at his daughter's house following her suicide with a friend in tow. The lack of sensitivity and thought for his grandson, other children and his ex wife who must have been in shock and distraught doesn't look good. As OP has indicated his priority now seems to his partners children and not his own.

Dad should sit with family.
OW should be elsewhere, ideally the Far Side of Fuck. How dare she even think to show her face on such a day.
Sorry, Dad, but there are consequences for your actions.

There is also a mother involved here, who is also family. Her needs and wishes are also important. This is a funeral about their child. Affair partner is fine to be at the funeral but she needs to step back from being the centre focus.

This.

Is there an aunt or uncle who could have a quiet word with the OW and your father to say this. Yours, your nephew’s and your mother’s wishes collectively should have priority.

@stayingpositiveifpossible

I'd rather people were looked after in their grieving rather than maintain outward appearances of what they think is right.

This really resonates with me. Who cares if someone has a navy coat or anyone remember the thread about burgundy nails for a funeral? Honestly who cares

OP you'll see from the vote that most people think YANBU. Your dad's partner sits with her own family and that's that. Your dad and his partner obviously have form for struggling to respect others.

This is a woman who thought it appropriate to come to be by my father's side, on the day it happened, outside his daughters house with her friend in tow?

Whaaaaaa? Sorry I missed that upthread. I am losing sympathy for her.

And your father seems to lack emotional intelligence…

Sorry to read of your loss and I think your son's wishes should prevail.

She is getting to grieve with her family, though. Her ex isn't more or less her family based on whether his partner is there, the fact that he has a partner that isn't her is reality. Why doesn't your dad just sit in a different row with his partner?

I’m sorry for your loss
Everyone should be allowed to sit where they want. There are usually two front rows (both in church and crematorium) so maybe all the family could sit at the front. I personally sat in the back row of the church for my mothers funeral, it was ‘her’ seat, one where she always sat when attending church services, my dad wasn’t particularly happy about my decision but the important thing was that I was there. On the day I’m sure it won’t matter who sits where.

But where one person wants their partner to sit, is at odds with three other people's wishes. So everyone sitting where they want is impossible.

And on the day it clearly WILL matter who sits where. I have no idea why you think otherwise.

OP - I am really sorry about your sis.

I know this is different because it didn't involve suicide but at my dad's funeral last year, the front row was my mam together with me and my siblings. Behind us were BIL, SILs, nieces and nephews. There is no reason why your dad's partner cant sit with her own kids wherever they are in the church or crematorium.

It does sound like he is trying to make a point but his timing is pretty brutal...

I'm so sorry for your loss, you don't need a reappearance of your father's selfishness at such a traumatic time in your lives.

Given that your father and his partner had an affair, and then moved on from you and your sister to a new family, it's hard to see how they would have a better nature to appeal to. I guess your father has realised that you, your mum and your nephew will clearly be supporting one another while he has distanced himself, and can see that he can't expect support from a family he abandoned.

Of course your father shouldn't expect his partner to be on the front row with him. The calmest way forward may be for your nephew to approach your father's partner, and ask for her help in managing your father's demands.

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are having to navigate this.

In my experience the front row is reserved for the closest relatives of the deceased - those who are most impacted by the loss. The partners, children etc. of the chief mourners sit in the rows behind. In Ireland after the removal the congregation usually goes to the front row to offer their respects to the chief mourners; it would be unusual for someone not immediately impacted by the death to be there accepting respects.

In this situation I think it is better to stick to status quo rather than asking for traditional rules to be changed and potentially hurting his grandson and the mother of his children.

This is not about coats or nails. It's about the conflicting emotional needs of those who've suffered a traumatic loss.
One out of the four is demanding something that will actively hurt the other three. The fifth person involved doesn't seem to mind fitting in with the three, so the dad needs to recognise that the majority rule applies. His partner can still sit every bit as near to him, just behind rather than next to him.

How awful for you OP.

Your father has form so no surprise he is being selfish at a time like this.

Best to tell him to sit with his partner and away from you and the rest of the family, if he cannot behave with basic consideration and decency at this time, and follow the wishes of your nephew.

His partner has no business sitting with you and your family, and it doesn't sound like she wants to either.

Just your father being a selfish arse and putting what he wants ahead of his grandsons expressed wishes.

Your poor nephew, mother and you.

Who is emotionally the strongest at this point? My husband had to go and tell his father's mistress, as she and her family rocked up the driveway for his niece's funeral, that they were not welcome, and should find a need to be elsewhere - immediately. He was the one most able to do it.

Your father, who left his wife and his children to be with his current wife and her children, needs to pick a role and a place. If he wants a prime 'spot' so to speak, in the role of grieving father, then he needs to accept that it is inappropriate in that role for his affair partner to be at his side.

I am so very sorry for your loss, your nephew's loss (poor boy, having to navigate all this plus the family politics at 19), and your mother's loss. It sounds like you and your sister 'lost' your father quite some time ago.

i dont think anyones partner shold be in the front row then its fair all round

It is normal where I am from that is the closest family members on the front row; blood family. If your dad is insistent he sits with his partner then he goes a row back considering the circumstances. saraclara has summed it up and if his current partner cannot see this then she is an emotional blackhole and the 2 of them can fuck off forever.