Sisters funeral

[Naughtybutnice76]

My sister sadly took her own life and the funeral is next week. Her son's wishes are that we as a family (mum, dad, sister, son) travel in the car and sit together at the funeral. My mum and dad are separated. My Dad wants his partner on the front row with us, the same woman he had an affair with while my parents were married. Is it unreasonable to ask that she doesn't sit with us? We all get along, that isn't the issue. It just feels like this should be a time where family wishes come first. AIBU?

Sounds to me like your dad is rather isolated from you, ex W and nephew and in those circumstances he will feel terribly isolated. Why can't you do what PP suggested that have dad and partner at one end and your mum at other end of pew? I too have not been to a funeral where partners weren't next to spouses and I couldn't have got through my Mum's without my DH.

Did your sister have a partner? Her son and partner gets to decide. I’ve always sat with my partner for support at a funeral and would rather sit a row back to sit with them, I didn’t realise people wanted the front row so badly. Can they sit separate sides of the aisle? So you sit with your mum one side and your dad the other?

with your dads partner going to support him on the day of the death to me that’s normal behaviour for long standing partners. But we don’t know the back story and I think you are rightly or wrongly projecting and seeing this as the place to place all your hurt on.

for my sibling, I would still want to sit with my partner over family for support and expect other siblings to want their partners their too and sit behind if needed to do that.

very sorry about your sister.

My mum hasn't said anything as I suppose what she would like to happen as already been asked by my nephew.

My Dad has said he doesn't think his partner would have any objection as her adult children are also attending so she could sit with them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think her son's wishes need to be paramount, especially as the arrangement there seems to be "chief mourners", so to speak...immediate family, and she isn't. But depending on the situation, you may decide it isn't worth insisting upon.

What's the problem then?
I would have said respect the son's wishes. I would have approached your dad's partner directly, myself, and got her on side if there were likely to be issues.
But if it's ok with your dad that his partner sits with other, albeit step, family, then I see no problem.

What?!!! Why should he be empathising with his Grandfather he’s lost his mother!!

OP going back to your post having been in a similar situation it’s such an emotional day (my mum’s sister also killed herself) we were totally overcome/overwhelmed by emotion/the loss. I don’t think any of us could focus on any thing that day other than keeping it together. I think just go along with it for now. Let your DF have his partner there.

Oh right let her sit with her kids!

@harriethoyle

You are probably right but this is because his focus is very much on his step family now and has been for quite a long time. I'm aware there are other emotions at play here for myself and one of those is that I have lost my Dad to another family

So so sorry about your sister. What a terrible thing to be going through as a family.
I would be inclined to say the partner can come but not sit on the front row, unless both your mum and dad are at wither end with kids and any grandchildren in the middle, with her next to him at the extreme end. But if I were her, I wouldn't want this, and would prefer that your sister's family grieve together and would be there in the background to support later. It's a hard one. Yes your dad will want comfort, but he have you and your sister for that.

It’s bizarre that the fathers grief and how he would like to grieve at this funeral is being diminished because he has a new partner? Does it make his pain and his need for support lesser? Nothing can bring back a child, certainly not restoring a marriage/your ongoing relationship with your ex, so why does it matter so much? Does your mum need a bit of extra support? Surely it can be given without excluding people or throwing around negativity towards others.

My Dad has said he doesn't think his partner would have any objection as her adult children are also attending so she could sit with them.

That sounds dignified and appropriate.

Exactly this

I think your mum should be on one side of the venue, your father on the other.
Your nephew wherever he feels most comfortable. Likewise yourself.
Everyone else can sit wherever they like and no one will take a bit of notice.
It must be horrendous losing a child. Equally, losing a sibling.
From experience, it will be life changing for your nephew at such a young age and in such circumstances.
Best wishes to you all.

I'm so very sorry, OP. What a difficult situation, for all of you.

Oh crossed with the update! So he’s comfortable with the request? Good, that sounds like it’s resolved itself.

Very sorry for your loss, hope the day goes as well as it can 💐

I think you sit with your mum and family in the front row, and your dad can either choose to sit there too or sit with his wife further back.

I'm sorry but I don't think your Dad's other half belongs on the front row. You're all happy for her to be there to support your Dad, you don't need to make room for her on the front row though.

I recently lost my Grandad, who I absolutely adored. I didn't get to sit on the front row, though, as my Nan, Mum, Uncles and great-Aunt needed to be on it. Did I have a tantrum, no! It was the RIGHT way to do it and not being on the front row didn't change how close I was to my Grandad or how close we were.

Funerals are not a time for people to strong-arm others to get their way. Just tell him firmly that she can sit behind you all.

I'm so sorry about your sister.

Your poor nephew has lost his mum in the saddest of ways and he's so young. Whatever he wants, that's what should happen. If your dad argues with that he's being an arsehole.

Once again I'm so very sorry, it's an absolutely heartbreaking way to lose a loved one.

I think your sister’s son’s wishes also trump your fathers and if he can’t show some respect in this situation then there’s honestly no hope is there!

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

@NightAndShiningArmour

No, he's not agreeing to the request just stating he doesn't think his partner would have a problem with it but that he wants her there with him

So sorry for your loss however as you all get along with the lady I would have her sat at the front supporting your father, I think the separation thing may caused a lot of unnecessary issues.

It’s bizarre that the fathers grief and how he would like to grieve at this funeral is being diminished because he has a new partner? Does it make his pain and his need for support lesser?

Lesser than the 19 yo boy whose whole world just disappeared out from under him? Bloody right it does.

but your father is family. Regardless of how/why your parents' marriage broke up, your father is now in a long-term relationship with his partner and of course he wants her there for support

There is also a mother involved here, who is also family. Her needs and wishes are also important. This is a funeral about their child. Affair partner is fine to be at the funeral but she needs to step back from being the centre focus.

Mum, you, nephew, sister, dad, stepmother.

Then he's putting his partner in a really awkward situation. The last thing I'd want if I was her, would be my presence distressing other members of the family, especially when I don't care where I sit anyway!

Of the four direct family members of the sister, three would prefer the partner to sit elsewhere. I'd say that the majority rule, and that the father needs to recognise that.
I know we can all behave unreasonably and irrationally in our grief, though. That's why, if possible, it's the partner who someone should have the gentle conversation with. She'll be able to see the situation with more clarity, one would hope.