Sisters funeral

[Naughtybutnice76]

My sister sadly took her own life and the funeral is next week. Her son's wishes are that we as a family (mum, dad, sister, son) travel in the car and sit together at the funeral. My mum and dad are separated. My Dad wants his partner on the front row with us, the same woman he had an affair with while my parents were married. Is it unreasonable to ask that she doesn't sit with us? We all get along, that isn't the issue. It just feels like this should be a time where family wishes come first. AIBU?

Thank you so much for all your replies. For context my father and his partner have now been together for a long time but my mum and dad have not spoken until now, very messy divorce. No other partners will be in cars or on the front row.

I have tried to look at it from all perspectives but ultimately my feeling is why can't my dad also consider that, like pp have said, a son has lost his mother and a mum has lost her daughter, their child together. Why is this just about what my Dad wants?

This is a woman who thought it appropriate to come to be by my father's side, on the day it happened, outside his daughters house with her friend in tow?

Am I wrong to feel like he should also show some respect for the mother of his child?

Leave it to the two of them to sort out. Only one of. Them can have it the way they want but no need for you to be part of that.

so sorry for your loss.

It's not clear whether having the partner there prevents the son's wishes from being fulfilled. Presumably the immediate family can all sit together in the front row as he asks? If he's unhappy about it, however, probably his wishes should be followed.

Is it just you that objects what does your mother think

Everyone should be respectful of everyone else.
Your Dad could sit in the second row with his new partner if he wishes. Or in the front row with his partner behind. The grief isn't lessened by how far away from the front pew you are but it would make it easier for your DM. A kindness on an otherwise dreadful day. I think your poor sister's son has the final say and your parents should listen. I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss op.

You don't say who, or even if anyone has raised an issue with your fathers wife sitting at the front with you.

I'm not really sure who should sit where in these circumstances... I'm erring towards partner supporting the father or partner sitting one row behind or nephew (son) deciding what he would like. It's a tricky one. The parents need support from their children but children of the deceased need support from all their family including the spouse of the deceased if there is one.

What I would say, from personal experience, is that a suicide funeral is a bit different from a normal funeral (in my experience anyway) and that dramas/feelings can be quite heightened, due to the suicide being an unusual circumstance.

Therefore, even though you should be adults, there needs to be an extra amount of sensitivity shown, at this time. I had this with my best friend when she committed suicide, where her DM either had an affair but basically left the family when the DC (now adults/teenagers) were young and the father remarried and there was still animosity from the DC etc towards their DM, I believe they were still estranged from their DM. Luckily nothing happened at the funeral, nor the wake afterwards, but I can honestly say it was one of the most painful funerals I've been to, ever in my life.

Sorry for your loss OP by the way.

Good point @MzHz You can't expect someone who had an affair (that's the other woman AND the married man) to have any consideration for other peoples feelings, after doing such a scummy thing as having an affair. This woman (affair partner) absolutely should NOT be with the 'blood' relatives though. If the dad insisted she were there, after the funeral I would never speak to him again - (or her obviously!)

I don't think I would go.

Have an alternative ceremony in your garden and let them get on with it.

Out of respect for your mum and support for his grandson I think your Dad should put their needs first. Blood relatives only in the front pew. If he doesn't accept that then he should sit with his partner in the pew behind.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. Wishing you strength for the funeral. God love her poor son xx

How old is your sister’s son and how long have your dad and his partner been together? For me that makes a difference

sorry for your loss

What I'd advise is that OP can and should go, but I think maybe family separately (e.g. DM and DC) should discuss how to behave (e.g. properly) at the funeral and agree to disagree, e.g. just don't say anything or do anything which would cause a scene.

Why should OP be denied the right to say goodbye to her sister just because of an affair and all the other things she's said? I know it's water under the bridge so she says and time has moved on, but it doesn't alter the fact that her DF had an affair and the woman in question is still with him. There would appear to be unfinished business there re the latter.

What I would say, from personal experience, is that a suicide funeral is a bit different from a normal funeral (in my experience anyway) and that dramas/feelings can be quite heightened, due to the suicide being an unusual circumstance.

I agree. The suicide funeral I went to was an entirely different kind of feel from any other funeral. The distress is a whole other level, and while other funerals felt like a positive step to healing, that one really didn't.

On my opinion, the newer partner really should recognise the needs of the mother and son. She can still support the dad while sitting behind him. She'll be just as physically close and able to offer a reassuring touch.

I agree I think the age of the son is hugely important here

Also to add there is no arguments about this, just tying to navigate through what is an extremely difficult decision/time for us all. Like a pp said, suicide is a different kind of funeral and emotions are almost over the place. I have never know pain like it.

Would make a major difference in how I feel about this, how long they have been together.

Had they had the affair and spent the next 20 odd years together going through life battles whilst I disagree with affairs I think she should sit with him.

If it's been a year or two then I think the sons wishes should be more honoured than grandads.

Not ideal either side really and I am so sorry for your loss.

The son is 19

No other partners will be in cars or on the front row.

Then she shouldn't be, either. You're right, your dad's wants shouldn't trump your nephew's, or your mom's, or yours.

A young boy has lost his mother, I feel his wishes are important and really feel there could be a compromise on your father's behalf.

Its not like the father is grieving this loss alone... he will be with his surviving kid(s), grandkid(s) and the woman he once loved enough to have said family with.

He has plenty of family 'support' sitting next to him on the front row all equally sharing and grieving a loss (which is not this womans loss).

I think that someone needs a quiet and sensitive word with the partner. I'm assuming there's no-one who has the kind of relationship with her that could facilitate this?

If you all get on, then include her for your Dad's sake.

It'll be such a blur on the day that you won't notice or care who's sat where, honestly.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I don’t think the son trumps the father (his grandfather). The son has lost his parent, but losing a child is the biggest trauma in life. I think that he should be able to sit with whomever he wishes.

Her son's wishes should be respected. Your Dad will just have to manage. It really isn't a big ask. That's my opinion.